Wednesday, January 30, 2013
The world gasped in shock and horror this week when Iran surprisingly launched a monkey into space, raising the nightmarish possibility that while we were distracted by little things like Iran's nuclear weapons program, they were actually planning to leapfrog the rest of the world in monkey launching.
Aboard the Iranian rocket, the tiny monkey - named Hussein Muhammed Mo Hominid - was strapped into a "cruel" restraint harness which PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Astromonkeys) found highly offensive but which would simply be considered less-kinky-than-usual bedroom equipment in San Francisco. The monkey was then launched to an altitude of 72 miles where it is said to have caught a fleeting glimpse of 99 sexed-up monkey virgins before it was safely returned to Earth.
Barack Obama has demanded that the United Nations send a harshly-worded letter to Iran warning that uncontrolled proliferation of space monkeys will not be tolerated and could lead to drastic consequences.
The president preferred not to get specific, but said that "all options will be on the table." Including, presumably, sending Joe Biden to San Francisco to be fitted for a restraining harness.