Friday, February 1, 2013

Shear Madness

obama, obama jokes, hope and change, hope n' change, stilton jarlsberg, janet napolitano, homeland security, scissors, gun control

Following the tragic massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, the government is doing everything in its power to make citizens safer by taking guns out of the hands of sane people. But that doesn't mean that they intend to leave us totally defenseless when facing down a well-armed psychopath.

That's why the Department of Homeland Security has produced a video which explains that in an "active shooter" situation, you can take out the bad guy using an ordinary pair of scissors - assuming that the shooter isn't wearing body armor, that he doesn't see you coming, that you don't slip in the blood of other victims, and that the shooter doesn't turn you into swiss cheese when he gets tired of receiving annoying little jabs.

The video, produced at taxpayer expense and having all of the cinematic panache of a 1950's "Duck & Cover" public service film, gives additional helpful tips that people might not think of when confronted with a death-dealing maniac: run away if you can, or hide and be quiet while waiting your turn to die.

No mention is made of "shooting back," because the only people who should be carrying guns are police, lunatics, and the Mexican drug cartels. Additionally, the video doesn't clarify whether it would be permissible to use scissors against a radical Muslim like Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hassan, considering there's a chance you might accidentally cut off part of his holy beard.

While some people viewing this video might feel like they're not really getting topnotch value out of the tax dollars being spent at Homeland Security, it's important to note that Ms. Napolitano's agency offers protection for citizens which goes far beyond scissor-fu during an "active shooting."

For instance, last week the DHS released important information about coping with the dangers inherent in an "active snowing."  Who knew that, in the midst of a blizzard, we should "stay indoors during the storm," "walk carefully" on snow and ice, and "if you must shovel snow, stretch before going outside." Take that, Al-Qaeda!

Still, in the wake of Sandy Hook it's good to know that the Department of Homeland Security is on the job and that our children will be perfectly safe as long as they're in a building with lots of scissors.

Like, say, an elementary school.

obama, obama jokes, hope and change, hope n' change, stilton jarlsberg, janet napolitano, homeland security, scissors, gun control, scissor team six


After failing to meet with his advisory Jobs Council for over a year, Barry finally gave up the charade this week and allowed the group to disband after accomplishing sweet effing nothing other than giving candidate Obama a CYA talking point during last year's elections.

Presumably, the members of the Jobs Council will be given generous severance packages, two years of unemployment benefits, food stamps, and the other "lovely parting gifts" awarded when contestants lose on the biggest national reality show of them all: "American Idle."


obama, obama jokes, secret service, gun control, scissors, conservative, tea party, stilton jarlsberg, hope n' change, DHS


CenTexTim said...

The madness is not limited to just the federal government.

I'm on the faculty of a major public university system here in Texas. Two months ago I had to endure a state-mandated (and state funded) training course on how to cope with an 'active shooter' situation on campus. The slogan used was "Get Out...Hide Out...Take Out."

In other words, escape if you can. If you can't get out, hide out somewhere and hope/pray that help gets there before you're found. The last resort was to try and 'take out' the shooter using whatever was available. Since college students can't be trusted with scissors, we were advised to throw staplers at the shooter.


Comments about "Why can't we be armed" were not well received...

Sparky said...

Now we have proof positive that all this disarm the sane American citizens talk is by shear design.

American Cowboy said...

I am trying to think of soething to say, but this lunacy from the regime leaves me in a toal mental fog.
THAT must be their agenda.

Cookie said...

Ah yes, and in an elementary school where all the scissors are round tip safety scissors, that should scare off anyone!

CenTexTim--throwing staplers? Who comes up with that kind of stuff. Have we been taken over by the body snatchers and taken to another planet?

Quite honestly, I'm surprised we've been advised to use scissors. I keep waiting to find out we are going to have to demolish our dangerous homes and live in some kind of rubber homes with nothing but a spoon to eat(I mean sip) or daily cup of broth. I'm not sure we can get any people more mad and crazy than the ones running this country!

Grafton Cheddar said...

"Nidal Hassan, considering there's a chance you might accidentally cut off part of his holy beard."

Let alone that "taking him out" would probably end you up in the slammer for "violating his civil rights in not allowing him to practice his jihadist religion.

You have to give Butch Napolitano credit, I think at least, for putting her finger in every dyke we have...

Jim Hlavac said...

I have discovered lately that I can't lower my brain power to the um, sheep like thinking of this administration ... and thus, I'm out of comedy or lament, other than, perhaps, to say, baa. Or, "we'll need a bigger scissor" -- or, "finally a need for hairdressers! As trained scissor specialists." Or, no, just baa.

As for the president's job council not working anymore -- well, there's a good thing -- they were pointless, could do nothing, and did nothing. Ergo, yes, government waste -- get rid of the president's job council and never set another one up again under any administration -- to look to DC for jobs is ludicrous -- now we have proof - it's pointless.

Gang of One said...

There's an 'Edward Scissorhands' joke in here somewhere.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@CenTexTim- In fairness to Homeland Security, a pair of pointy scissors is a way better idea than flinging a stapler. Seriously, why not just stand up and say "Hey, would you shoot me next?"

Maybe the idea is to simply toss your stapler into the hiding place of a colleage, and hope that the shooter empties his weapon on that poor victim rather than you.

I think it's time to go James Bond on University policy, and start importing desk items which can be used as emergency weapons: the stun gun telephone, the concealed knife pen, and the bulletproof briefcase come to mind (all real products). Another good tip I read recently: keep a can of wasp spray handy - you can shoot a blinding stream of toxic chemicals into the bad guys eyes from 20 feet away. And then staple the hell out of him.

@Sparky Hudson- Not that we need to get snippy about it...

@American Cowboy- Homeland Security reminds you not to travel in a mental fog.

@Cookie- If only this video had come out two months ago, the Sandy Hook shooter would have been afraid to enter a "Scissor Zone."

And yeah, I still can't get over the idea of flinging my stapler at a gun blowing holes in my friends and coworkers. Thinking again about James Bond's desk drawer, howzabout a really high-power green lazer pointer which could blind the sumbitch from a distance? A tiny MP3 player with speaker with precorded "police" transmissions saying that the building is locked down and the SWAT guys have entered: fling it at the shooter and hope he blows his head off.

@Grafton Cheddar- I didn't know if it was too much of a reach, but I couldn't let the "scissor" suggestion go by without mentioning that Nidal Hassan's trial has been delayed because he refuses to cut his beard, and military protocol won't let him face his tribunal without a clean face. Seriously, this is a man who brutally murdered our service people, and we're so politically correct we won't even SHAVE the jerk?!

@Jim Hlavac- Obama thinks he has the unanimous support of the entire country, because half are saying "Baa" and the other half are saying "Bah!"

Regarding Barry's Jobs Council, it was all and always just a stunt. Business advisors used as props for the rare photo-op. Obama doesn't want to increase jobs, period.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Gang of One- Maybe Edward Scissorhands should be our new Secretary of Defense!

John the Econ said...

I can easily see that video run as a commercial during an episode of "Ow My Balls!" Clearly, that's their target demographic.

Meanwhile, entrepreneurs anxious to cash in on indiscriminate spending by panicked school boards are coming up with brilliant ideas to protect our children; Ideas like the "bulletproof white board":

Should a shooter enter a classroom, students will simply use their whiteboard as a shield. Problem solved. No child left behind.

When I heard the news yesterday, I assumed that Obama cutting his "jobs council" loose would be the topic of the day. I know they only met like 4 times, but I sure that Jeffrey Immelt will be able to use his new-found free time to outsource more GE jobs to India and China, and lobby for some new green tax breaks. Crony capitalism at it's finest.

Earl Allison said...

I feel bad for even saying this, but I really almost hope someone DOES try this, with the predicable result of being riddled with bullets -- only because I would then hope that the victim's entire family would sue the bejeezus out of Napolitano, the Federal Government, and our Clown-in-Chief.

To even SUGGEST this is bad comedy, that it is serious, because our "President" and the Leftists supporting him want to disarm the American Public so that they can go full-bore tyrannical. Can you even begin to imagine the media firestorm if a Republican said this?

It's getting bad. The power grabs, evident double standards (remind me how Repubs are warring on women, and 'women in binders' is bad, but Menendez having sex with underage Dominican prostitutes is okey-dokey?), and the outright deriliction of duty (Hillary, Obama, and Benghazi) are getting more and more blatant and naked -- and no one seems to care?

I would never advocate violence, but I have to admit, if something befell them, be it a meteor, a rampaging beast, or something, I wouldn't even shed a tear -- and I hate having to admit that.

Thanks for the post.

Irene Peduto said...

SJ - Ms. Napolitano occupies a political appointment. She is a good leftie but not the person who ought to be entrusted with the security of our country. Your commentary about snow hazards & what to do about it coming from Homeland Security is insulting to thinking Americans. The disbanding of O's Job Council is another instance of "What does it matter?" To more than 50% of Americans none of these important issues will ever come into their minds. They believe what they hear from the MSM. I pray we can survive this extensive damage to America.

Stan da Man said...

It is VERY important to disarm before watching TV. If I had a gun handy for the "Honey Boo Boo marathon" I'd HAVE to shoot them, the TV, myself, SOMETHING.
Just sayin'

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- And why should parents have to buy those bulletproof whiteboards for their kids? Why not just mandate taxpayer-funded kevlar school uniforms? (Which is such a terrible idea that I almost hate to put it in print in case the government decides to use it).

Regarding the alleged Jobs Council, it's easy to do the mental math: Obama is all about wealth redistribution, and the political demand comes from those who don't have jobs (willingly or unwillingly). Which is why Barry continues to do everything he can to cripple job creation in our country. Including distracting the MSM with Kabuki Councils.

(More comments shortly - I just thought of another cartoon...)

REM1875 said...

Dang caught flat footed, this time, never even seen it coming but the results are just as you would imagine. There has been a run on scissors in town, especially assault scissors, the only ones left have quadrupled in price due to price gouging. The local democrats are trying to stop the sale of scissors that take more than one attachment and the concealed scissors carry classes are filled up for months. Now I am left with either my dremel or K-BAR to cut coupons.

Colby said...

Y'all feel free to heckle me for this statement, but I think the number of people who will take the DHS video seriously is probably pretty dang small. Geez-O-Pete! My 6 year old grandson understands that scissors are no match for a crazy guy with a gun. Of course, he has seen up close what a real gun can do because we are already drilling gun safety into his wee little brain and have let him see what a .45 ACP can do to a bottle or a pumpkin.

I still scares me that people in high places like Mr. Napolitano would offer up something like that pitiful video as a real solution to a horrendous problem. But, that being said, the video was actually on to something. If all else fails, grab something to fight back with, but perhaps we should all start keeping a Glock in the drawer alongside the scissors.

Thanks for the big double post, Stilton!

grecnfx said...

Can this administration any dumber?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@REM1875- At this point, your only hope of acquiring scissors is to convince Eric Holder that you're a member of the Mexican Quilt Cartels.

@Colby- You'll notice that the video didn't include footage of the dolt with the scissors doing a victory dance after taking down the shooter. I think there's a reason for that.

And look again - today is now a triple post!

@grecnfx- Of course this administration can get dumber. I just can't imagine how until it happens. But it will!

Pete(Detroit) said...

Iraq beats scissors?


I'm good! I have a swiss knife with a pair of 1.5-inch scissors! (For little short terrorists I guess)

WMD said...

As far as King Hussein and his regime providing material for HnC, I think that is refered to as a target rich environment.
Oh and for the "Thanks for that mental image" of the day imagine Zero and his boyfriend doing the "scissor".
You're Welcome!

Grafton Cheddar said...

Gang of One said..."There's an 'Edward Scissorhands' joke in here somewhere."

Nappy = Edwina Scissorglands

Sorry. Too morose today...

Isn't it good, though, to hear that the economy "continues to heal" with rising unemployment? Who would have known?


Was just reading in interesting article about P.T.Barnum and his uncanny understanding of mass psychology.

As Daniel Boorstin observed, "contrary to popular belief, Barnum's great discovery was not how easy it was to deceive the public, but rather, how much the public enjoyed being deceived."

Now, this is something that grabbed my attention. I have been unable to understand why so many Americans believe the lies coming from this administration. I know being a 'taker' and living off taxpayer money can be a big reason. I mean, if you pay a tiny bit of attention, anyone can recall the promises and see that they were just fantasy, maybe people ARE that dumbed down!

According to Boorstin, there are two broad groupings of people: those that WANT to believe the lie, for whatever reason, and those (this includes the typical HnC reader) who see things as they are, and have no need or desire to call them anything else.

P.T. Barnum's "mermaid" he touted as real(merely half a monkey sewed into the body of half a fish), was not rejected by the folks who paid to see it, because they enjoyed it I suppose. Maybe many WANTED to believe it was real. I think many people nowdays are like that. They WANT to believe O has something going when he and his disciples say the economy is just fine, the national debt does not matter, etc, you know the lies by now. Just tryin to make some sense outa all this. It's getting pretty dang intense.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Pete(Detroit)- Well done! That's funny!

@WMD- I don't want HnC material! I want my country back! Sigh...

@Grafton Cheddar- Healing isn't about getting better, you silly goose, it's about feeling better about not getting better! I think Elizabeth K├╝bler-Ross would say our economy has entered the "acceptance" stage of death...

@PRY- Barnum is a personal hero of mine (I once wrote a screenplay about him, but it never sold). He really did understand that people were willing to be fooled if it made them feel good overall. And that's absolutely applicable to PT Barack's sideshow.

Barnum knew that almost no one would be fooled by his FeeJee Island Mermaid, but knew it would bring people in the door. If after spotting the fraud the patron was unhappy, PT would happily refund their money. But most people enjoyed the other delights of his museum so much that they felt they got more than their money's worth, even after falling for a bit of humbug.

So, too, a lot of people realize that Barry can't keep his extravagant promises, but as long as they believe they're getting something of value, they'll continue to be pleased.

Also salient is Mark Twain's quote that it's easier to fool people than to convince them they've been fooled. How many people have the personal integrity to admit that they voted (perhaps twice - or more) for a lying dog of a Socialist? At this point, they have to protect him to protect themselves.

Hey look! It's time for a drink!

CenTexTim said...

@All - Well Done! This is definitely one of the better posts, from the triple post by Stilt (even better than the usual high quality) to the wit in the comments.

And FWIW, when I'm on campus I carry a tactical knife in my pocket (a violation of policy, but if I get caught I think it's just a reprimand as opposed to criminal charges if I carry a firearm) and a can of wasp spray in my briefcase. Maybe I should also pack a high-powered staple gun as well.

No, wait ... it's a type of gun...

There is no end to this lunacy. But as our host pointed out, it's time for a drink or three...

Sarah Rolph said...

"Also salient is Mark Twain's quote that it's easier to fool people than to convince them they've been fooled."

I am glad you mentioned this.

I'm going to have to look this quote up and work it into one of my stories about the oyster farm we're trying to save in Point Reyes, California.

This is exactly the problem, the Park Service fooled itself and was too embarrassed to admit it.

Instead they continue to weave a tangled web of lies, aided by a clique of misguided environmental activists; they, too, have fooled themselves with do-gooder myths, and they have in turn fooled others, and used them to advance their supposedly noble but actually very destructive cause. They all seem to think the safest thing to do is to stick with their story, no matter what.

If I may offer a link to my own work, here's my latest on this topic:

The Jimmy Z Show said...

Great cartoons on scissors and the jobs council. So funny.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@CenTexTim- I don't mean to seem TOO macho, but any terrorist who messes with me is going to get a taste of Swiss Army Knife payback. Granted, the knife blade is only about an inch long, but I can use the tweezers to pluck nose hairs - and that HURTS!

@Sarah Rolph- You wrote an excellent piece! Frustrating when bureaucrats know less than oysters.

@The Jimmy Z Show- Glad you enjoyed the cartoons. And for any HnC readers who might not know, Jimmy Z does a great conservative radio show/podcast that you should consider regular listening!

@Queso Grande- If you ever (and I hope it never happens) get the chance to pop a perp, I'll bet your coworkers would be very forgiving in their attitudes.

Velcro said...

Hey, don't laugh at staplers! Remember what happened in Office Space when Milton didn't get his back???

"... that's the last straw..."

john1v6 said...

A few months ago, to get us ready for an "active shooter" exercise, we were e-mailed a PowerPoint briefing with these same tips.

Run and hide and wait for security to come save you.

I'm in the Air Force.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Velcro- Well, if we're talking about red staplers, it's an entirely different matter.

@john1v6- That's the most depressing thing I've read all day.

Queso Grande, The Christie Critic said...

@GraftonCHeddar/GangofOne....ok, here goes.......
What's the difference between Edward Scissorhands and the DHS Video?
Edward can cut hair, trim shrubbery him a whole lot of utility, and the DHS Scissors video isn't even heavy enough to throw.....unless you taped the stapler to it?
Tip your waitstaff, I'm here all week.......

@Colby, If my office- I work for a NJ State agency- is any example, a LOT of people will eat this up, and start ordering the pointiest scissors available. They stare in rapt attention to the most insipid seminars on every PC pile o' horsepoop comes down the pike.

@Centex, everyone in said office has a desk set of cutlery for use when stuffing their faces. I keep a Gerber MKII for my toast and jam.
Of course, I can't sand eating in the office, so it just sits hidden in my desk.

Karl Uppiano said...

Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, SPOCK!

PRY said...

All of us here are just old enough to remember when sanity and good sense was the order of the day. It's a little difficult getting used to the 'NewNormal'.

PRY said...

What a stupid tragedy...Rest in Peace CHRIS KYLE.