Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Showing his traditional flair for unintendedly ironic comedy, Barack Obama has announced the creation of the presidential "Brain Initiative," a $100 million project to map the human brain and find cures for devastating illnesses like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, Epilepsy, and Conservatism.
Modestly declaring himself to be the "Scientist-in-Chief," Mr. Obama suggests that the research project will "grow our economy, create new jobs, and reignite a rising, thriving middle class by investing in one of our core strengths, and that’s American innovation" - a fantasy scenario which helps explain why he's failed so miserably at being "Economist-in-Chief."
Mr. Brainypants then pointed out that "we still haven’t unlocked the mystery of the three pounds of matter that sits between our ears," which in his case is undeniably true - although we could probably unlock more of that particular mystery if his college and medical records were unsealed.
Still, Hope n' Change has nothing against basic science research - and $100 million is only about enough to pay for a really good vacation for the first family.
Besides, once the brain has been mapped, it raises the possibility of creating "mental GPS units" for the hopelessly clueless. These "mental GPS units" would be small wireless devices which, like their automotive cousins, could tell people where they are, where they should be going, and give constant instructions about which way they should turn.
Although now that we think of it, the brain-challenged already have those devices. They're called Obamaphones.