Friday, October 10, 2014

Pixel Perfect

obama, obama jokes, michelle, cartoon, humor, policital, conservative, redbook, photoshop, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg

Per our previously stated goal of sharing good news on Fridays, Hope n' Change is delighted to point out that our first lady has never looked younger, more vibrant, or more beautiful than she does right now...unless you accidentally see her in person. But what are the odds of that?

No, like millions of other Americans standing in grocery store checkout lines clutching their EBT cards, you'll be seeing Michelle grinning at you from the cover of Redbook magazine - even if you can't initially guess who the hell that cute 25-year old is (Halle Berry's sister, maybe...?)

The before and after pictures above were taken within days of one another, rather underscoring the miraculous transformation. The first was at an event where Michelle was speaking to sick youngsters at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital (see? We're reporting good news!) and thoughtfully she did something severe and unexplainable with her hair to give it sort of a chemo-chic look to help fit in with the sick kids. And that was a very, very nice thing to do.

And in fairness, she might have been feeling a little haggard because, in her remarks, she said "it can be hard" living with the president - a sentiment with which we wholeheartedly agree!

In her subsequent Redbook picture, the first lady has grown a remarkably full head of remarkably straight hair in a remarkably short time, her chin has narrowed to a point, she's shed about 40 pounds, and her smiling face is as unlined as a mirror from which her husband, in his younger and less serious days, had vigorously snorted cocaine.

But besides looking glamorous, the first lady also has a very, very important cover story called "Help Our Female Veterans! How we can ALL give back!" in which she talks to five female veterans who've had trouble finding stateside employment...much like about 63 million other people.

But why are the vets having such a problem? "She's been trained to be a leader," Michelle says of one of the vets, "And this country's not giving her that opportunity."

That's right - it's not a problem with the economy, or the negative impact of the president's policies on hiring. The problem is this stinking country - a country which, so short a time ago, Michelle decided to be proud of for the first time in her adult life. And now...we have all let her down.

So Damn It, America - let's do the right thing on this Good News Friday! Let's spread Mrs. Obama's positive, inspirational message and start hiring female veterans like mad!

Or at least teach them how to use Photoshop. Obviously there's a lot of work to be had in that area.

43 comments:

Dick Lowman said...

Guess that proves it. You really can make a silk purse out of a sow's rear.

Bruce Bleu said...

A first I thought it was ironic that communists would find that magilla belongs on Redbook, then I realized that the cover on the right has been "shopped"... (it is actually November's issue of Cosmogorillitan). Almost had me goin' there, Doc!

Proof said...

What hath Photoshop wrought?

Freddie Sykes said...

Stop playing us. The after photo is obviously Stacey Dash's much younger sister.

Anonymous said...

Methinks a great she-ape in Ralph Lauren.

Jim Hlavac said...

Airbrushing -- a favorite tool of communists since 1929 ....

SusieBee said...

It is interesting that this was her FIRST visit to St. Jude's as First Lady and she couldn't bother to make herself presentable OR be on time. She looks like she just rolled out of bed. Appearance isn't everything, but it shows a lack of respect to show up at an event such as this looking like a refugee from Wal -Mart.

Sparky said...

Vampires always look better after sucking on the blood of innocents, especially aborted children. That's the secret right there.

FlyBoy said...

Ah, Poor, poor Moochelle (aka "Big Wookie"). She sacrifices so much.....the frequent vacations, the private jets, the separate bedroom from Barry; the responsibilities of being first lady(?) are just so overwhelming. Who are we little people to judge her for a little (or in this case, a lot) Photoshop magic?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I miss the boob belt.

Private for Stilt: the "prove you're not a robot" sign-in is a real pain in the ass.

Fred Ciampi said...

Oh, I feel soooo inspired. Now excuse me while I go and bleach my eyeballs.

Colby Muenster said...

See... 1.2 gigawatts CAN turn back the clock; Doc Brown was right!

I wonder how many gigawatts Photoshop would need to fix the not so pretty person that is beyond skin deep.

However, she does deserve credit for visiting a children's hospital. She could be out golfing. But that still falls sadly short of making up for her disdain for our country and the priciples on which it was founded.

I so look forward to the day her and O'Destructo move out of our house. I sure hope somebody who LOVES America moves in.

BerferdT said...

Is there any proof that BO's horizontal mirror-use is only in the past? Some of his thoughts and beliefs can only be explained away by brain damage of some sort. Self induced damage via recreational chemicals is all too common, and the mental disorders commonly associated with long-term use.

Geoff King said...

The First Ladyboy also took time out from her busy schedule of forcing public school children to eat food they hate or starve to death (despite the fact that her own children go to a private school and enjoy catered meals) to hold a fashion show at the White House on Wednesday. After all, it's not like that building is being used for anything important:
http://tlcnaptown.com/2222655/michelle-obama-turns-white-house-into-fashion-event
Michael herself wore a sleeveless dress that really showed off her biceps. Later, she no doubt impressed the crowd by bench-pressing a Volkswagon.

Bruce Bleu said...

Geoff,
You said that "she no doubt...", and I must caution you about assumptions, because I have it on good authority, from the Gnu's media, that she/it [say it fast and you have my impression] bench pressed an H-1 HUMMER and ATE a Volkswagen [sic].

Judi King said...

The WH has photo shopped everything else, so why not FLOTUS? More phoniness! And when it gets rid of it's fat @$$, it might be justified in implementing it's ridiculous lunch program (which the kids hate and won't eat).

Anonymous said...

Well, thats an issue of Redbook I won't be buying. Thank goodness my subscription ran out.

Daddy Dave said...

This was easier than it looks. They just took a photo of Katie Couric and added a heavy tan ...

Chip Head said...

Some Americans, while standing in grocery store checkout lines clutching their EBT cards, turn over covers of magazines with either, or both, Mr. and Mrs. Obama. It’s a hobby.

Geoff King said...

At least the Ă˜bola daughters, Ah Satan (Natasha spelled backwards) and Malaria, don't appear to have picked up their so-called mother's hideous gene as yet.

Pete (Detroit) said...

Flyboy - try Chrome - it always gives me the numbers page

All - is that the onset of Male Pattern Baldness in the Before pic?

Mike Porter said...


Bruce Bleu: Well, it is REDbook, after all.

FlyBoy: In Futurama, it's illegal for a robot to drive with a 'too low' alcohol level in their systems since they need alcohol to function properly. Being that I seem to have this same requirement leads me to believe that perhaps I too am a robot. However, I had no problem with the "prove you're not a robot" thingy, so who really knows for sure?

Geoff King/Judi King: I believe the new saying for this imperious first moose is "let them not eat cake nor otherwise".

As to the moose herself, it has been said that here is proof that Obama came from outer space... he brought with him a Klingon.

Colby Muenster said...

@Chip Head,
Others carry a sharpie for editing the captions or adding strategic horns and moustaches.

@Mike Porter,
Your name and comments just reminded me to stop at the store and buy some porter (and ale, and lager, and stout, and... But NO fizzy yellow stuff!). Whilst in the checkout line, I'll get out my sharpie and....

PRY said...

I think someone with her looks and persona should be in the movies...she would have been a great maid in "The Help".

Colby Muenster said...

Anon,
Right on both counts. Michelle wants to be taken seriously, but she is a catty preteen.

Sparky said...

Why is it that demoncrats can't be civil? Maybe it's because they know that we're right. And by the by I am neither 100% white, fat, nor am I male. And what does that have to do with the price of onions in China? I think it's time for Stilton to nuke someone.

Judi King said...

Yeah Sparky, I vote for nuking too. It's indulging in typical liberal name calling and attacks. A sign of no core beliefs except the pap that is being fed them by the left. I don't find the Republicans "toxic" either.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- Sorry I haven't been able to play today; it's been busy on the home front. Besides, I thought on "Good News Friday" when I spent an entire commentary praising Michelle Obama, no one could possibly be unhappy.

Unless someone was an asshole, of course.

Regarding "nuking" Anonymous (a permanent ban), it's not possible - not because he/she/it is any computer genius, but because Blogger (which hosts this site) doesn't allow the blocking of anyone based on their IP address.

I could change the settings and force everyone to have a validated account in order to comment, but I don't want to inconvenience folks for anything as minor as scraping a little poo off our shoes.

By the way, Anonymous's assertion that he/she/it can't be banned because "I'm not one person, I'm LOTS of people" is laughable, or would be if people with multiple personality disorders were funny. No, Anonymous is just one sad troll despite claiming "my name is Legion."

Fortunately, trolls are easy to deal with. They feed on attention that they can't get anywhere else. Unable to find either love or respect, they choose to be hated rather than being ignored entirely.

And so I'm asking everyone to simply ignore Anonymous. I will erase messages from this sad, empty little loser at my leisure - and in the meanwhile, real human beings should simply step around the steaming piles of poo until I can tidy up.

American Cowboy said...

@Stilt
"And so I'm asking everyone to simply ignore Anonymous....real human beings should simply step around the steaming piles of poo..."

My dear father had a great saying which I will quote word for word, "The more one stirs shit, the worse it smells."

I will resolve to refuse verbally or otherwise engaging with any so-called "legion" or whomever and share comments with the adults instead. As far as the claim that I/we may be admitting defeat, well it takes a better person to many times just walk away from a fight than to actually fight.

Geoff King said...

All liberals being hypocrites, if our resident moron ran his own blog it's a given that any of our posts would be instantly deleted.

CenTexTim said...

After this comment I'll honor Silt's request and ignore what has gone from mildly amusing to annoying to boring, but I just have to point this out.

Speaking of being "intellectually and factually wrong":

"welding" = join together metal pieces or parts by heating the surfaces to the point of melting using a blowtorch, electric arc, or other means, and uniting them by pressing, hammering, etc.

"wielding" = To exercise authority or influence effectively

You're welcome.

Geoff King said...

@CenTexTim: You forgot "hat", " tings", and "tel". One must question the intelligence of a person who misspells four simple words in the same sentence.

CenTexTim said...

@Geoff King - good point!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@American Cowboy- Your father's wisdom certainly applies to this case. Thanks for sharing!

Popular Front said...

American Cowboy's dad definately had it right!

Reaganite Republican said...

Your best EVER

lolol

Geoff King said...

Evidently Dems have a hard time with reading, even if a name is written on a 20 foot high sign in plain view:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2789383/bruce-lady-repeatedly-flub-s-iowa-candidates-campaigning-him.html
What a great endorsement from the president's husband: Go out and vote for what's his name!

Ciccio said...

Unfortunately I am paranoid which is why I do not have facebook, google, twitter or any similar account so this is one of the few blogs I can post on, please keep it that way.

i have just read a fascinating account of the US unemployment figures, it was published by the Canadian TD bank who got one of their economists to dissect the figures. This was in response to the Canadian unemployment figure just released, 6.8%.The key point is the the main employment group, 25-54 year old is 86% in Canada and 80% in the US. The participation rate is 67% vs. the US 60%. There is a similar disparity in the employment of women but the main reason for the difference is that Canada starts counting from 15 year old instead of 16 and those unemployed and only passively looking for a job a counted as well rather than being considered as having left the work force. If we used US methodology our unemployment would be 2.5%, if the US used ours it would be 11%

Geoff King said...

@Ciccio: Actually, the REAL unemployment rate in the US is over 12% at the very least. This is the "U6" unemployment rate:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/louisefron/2014/08/20/tackling-the-real-unemployment-rate-12-6/
The gov just cooks the numbers to make it appear better. For example, those whose umemployment benefits have already run out are no longer counted as unemployed.
They also do not take into account people who have had hours and/or pay reduced. Also, if a person takes a second job, they count that as one less unemployed person, even though it is just the same person working at more than one place.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Ciccio & Geoff King- Good comments. Yes, the books are cooked and anyone who isn't living in a cave (or perhaps an ivory tower) knows it.

Pete (Detroit) said...

OMFG, was just perusing one of my favorite 'cartoon digest' sights, and saw this (Scroll to bottom)
Way to GO Stilt!!!!

http://www.therightreasons.net/index.php?/topic/60456-todays-toons-82514/

Oh, and a big shoutout to Reagainte Republican, who I expect is a LGF buddy from back when LGF was cool... (and at least anti-idotiarian, if not actually "conservative")

Anonymous said...

You might be ugly if...

...you need photoshop to erase the ugly that the makeup couldn't.

Irv said...

/ Spied this bit on the net. Enjoy. /


Getting Short With Obama !

(1) Obama Coffee: grounds for impeachment!

(2) Barack-coli: a vegetable or a national plague!

(3) Obama's favorite candy: Mecca Wafers!

(4) When Obama says we're on the cutting edge of history, he must be thinking about beheadings!

(5) New Nursery un-Rhyme: Obaba Black Sheep keeps pulling the wool over our eyes!

(6) The southwest is running out of water, but Obama is helping with his surplus of wet*****!

(7) Obama is an expert on beheading. After lunch he tells his secretary: "I'll be heading back to the golf course!

(8) Uncle Sam hasn't built the border fence high enough to keep out the un-American criminals. I repeat, Uncle Sam hasn't built the White House fence high enough to keep out the un-American criminals - and they are now inside the White House!

(9) We've gone from America's Declaration of "unalienable rights" to Obama's Proclamation of ALIENable rights!

(10) The nicest words Obama could repeat while golfing: "I'm having a stroke, I'm having a stroke"!

(For more on you-know-who, Google "The Background Obama Can't Cover Up.")

Judi King said...

@ Irv: Chilling video. Although I'd heard most of it, I didn't know "Rev." Wright was a former muslim. I understand how this monster got elected the first time, stupid though it was, but the second time has me beat.