Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Je Suis Jimmy

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, jimmy carter, hebdo, terror, israel
Even the White House admitted that they had made a faux pas by deciding that the huge anti-terror rally in France wasn't a big enough deal to change the busy, busy, busy schedules of Barack Obama and Joe Biden to allow them to attend.

According to the White House activity log, both the president and vice president had a top level meeting with "Mr. Bubble," meaning Obama spent Sunday afternoon farting in the bathtub while Biden snapped at the bubbles, splashed and giggled. And in fairness, Sunday is a day in which ritual and tradition should be observed.

Meanwhile the world was stunned by the lack of meaningful American representation in Paris, and clearly yearned to hear the heartfelt thoughts of an American president. Unfortunately, that president turned out to be Jimmy Carter, who appeared on the Jon Stewart show. Because nothing says "thoughtful analysis of geopolitical terror and the tragic loss of life" like appearing on Comedy Central.

Carter explained that the killers were (ahem) "aggravated" because of what Israel is "doing now, doing to (the Palestinians)." OHhhhh! And here we thought it was those pesky drawings of Mohammed that inspired the massacre. But Carter knows better and, fortunately, he has an easy solution for the real problem!

"Israelis have to withdraw from the west bank and Gaza and East Jerusalem as well," he explained, adding that in return, the Palestinians just have to agree to live in peace. Right. 

Frankly, Hope n' Change thinks it would make more sense for the surviving staffers at Charlie Hebdo to hire ISIS members as interns, and give them huge sharp knives to sharpen the cartoonists' pencils. While promising to live in peace, of course.

Carter also said of the terrorist attacks, "I think this is a positive turning point in some respects because a lot of people now are trying to understand what do the Muslims really believe. Their beliefs are very similar to Christians as far as peace and harmony and so forth. I think, now, we'll have a better approach to cure (Islamophobia) in general."

That's got to be the ultimate "glass half full" statement. And whatever the hell his glass was half full of, you'd better not drop a whole bottle of it because it will blow a smoking hole in the Earth the size of Bogota.

While it's tempting for us to suggest that Mr. Carter needs to start wearing a helmet in the falling hammer zones at Habitat for Humanity sites, we really think that what will be best for humanity is if the former president checks himself into a Habitat for Humility house, which we'll personally volunteer to build. 

There won't be any doors, windows, telephones, televisions, or Internet. However there will be a slot through which Mr. Carter can get delicious, nutritious Michelle Obama approved school meals (sorry, no peanuts!) and, of course, a weekly copy of Charlie Hebdo.

Bonus: From the HnC Facebook Page
obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, paris, anti-terror, hebdo, waldo, dildo, march, rally
The new game the whole world is playing!

36 comments:

Karl Uppiano said...

"I think this is a positive turning point in some respects because a lot of people now are trying to understand what do the Muslims really believe. Their beliefs are very similar to Christians as far as peace and harmony and so forth. I think, now, we'll have a better approach to cure (Islamophobia) in general." ~ Jimmy Carter

Um, exqueeze me?! Just as a thought experiment, let's just compare the life, lifestyle and teaching of Jesus Christ vs. Mohammad. Similar beliefs? Islam and Christianity are about as similar as oil and water -- in much the same way Muslims mix with French culture in the no-go zones. Give me a break!

Geoff King said...

Evidently Carter heard that he is losing his "Most Out of Touch President in US History" status to Øbama and felt the need to re-establish his title. The French cartoonists were killed by radical Muslims because of....Palestine? C'mon Jimmy: have someone up your oxygen, show you a map, and explain the last 50 years of world history to you.

REM1875 said...

Compared to berry, and the french looking jean 'I servered in viet nam for 4 months' kerry, jimmy is a moderate muslim. Does that explain it?
I did serve during Nam but not in nam, so kerry does have that on me, but I did serve on the dmz in korea under jimmy the wurst while he was try to buy a nobull piece prize with my ass. If the the norks attacked we were thought to last about 15 seconds and then our own boys had orders to fire artillery on top of us, no bull. By the time our people got to the keys to unlock the small amount of ammo jimmy hadn't destroyed we would have been 50 miles behind nork lines, ie dead.
I don't like jimmy much and this is just the tip of it.

REM1875 said...

Words fail me to tell y'all just how bad it was and how fortunate we were that no one attacked us other than Iran during the reign of jimmy the wurst.
Now please excuse me while I suffer a bout of severe ptsd thinking of the 'carter years'.

TrickyRicky said...

Jimmy Carter, the embarrassment that just keeps on giving. When it is said that O'bummer is a worse president than Jimmy, it's good to see that it's not a static benchmark. The peanut brain can still lower the bar, even at his age.

Crazy K9 said...

I was at a Habitat for Humanity build site about 15 years ago when Jimmy showed up to "help". After around 30 minutes of glad-handing and chatting up the crew, he pounded a few nails (for the photographers) and then left! He's a big phony & the worst ex-president ever. I'd bet that ol' Jimmy gets down on bended knee every night & thanks the Almighty for Barry making him look (somewhat) competent.

Sarah Rolph said...

So Jimmy Carter failed to notice that Israel left Gaza eight years ago? But he thinks his views are relevant, eh?

Fred Ciampi said...

Jimmy (the peanut) Carter's mother is quoted as saying “Sometimes when I look at all my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have stayed a virgin." Well, she should have. People in my generation have often said that Billy (pee on the runway) Carter was the dumb one. No, James Earl Carter Jr. has definitely won that title. I don't know if any of y'all remember the double digit interest home rates but it all happened during Carter's tenure in office. At least he is only second to O'bummer in bringing shame to this once great nation. 'Nuff said, I think I can see the black SUVs off in the distance headed in my direction.....

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Karl Uppiano- I was stunned by Jimmy's statement which essentially equates Christian and Muslim cultures and faiths, and his belief that acts of terror encourage people to learn more about these delightful folks. Ironically, if Charlie Hebdo published such an opinion, it would be seen as razor-sharp satire.

@Geoff King- Full disclosure; back in the day, I actually voted for Carter because I was an idiot. I got better and I'm still doing penance (right here, in fact).

I think Jimmy is hoping that somehow peace can come to the Middle East, and historians will track the beginning of the effort back to his efforts while in office. And I don't blame him - who wants to spend their golden years knowing that they're a punchline?

@REM1875- Great story, and a great reason not to like Jimmy. And in case I haven't said it lately, thank you for your service.

@TrickyRicky- The one good thing I can say about Jimmy is he's at least "transparent" about his beliefs, as idiotic as they are. Obama holds his cards much closer to the vest. Perhaps because his own plans aren't just stupid, but evil.

@Crazy K9- I'm pretty sure we won't see Barry even pretend to do any manual labor for the public following his reign. As wretched a president as Jimmy turned out to be, I actually think he meant and means well. I most certainly don't think that about Obama.

@Sarah Rolph- I don't know if that was a senior moment, or he was just lumping together ALL the areas the Palestinians need to get in order to stop their terror attacks on Israeli civilians. Or at least promise to do so...

WMD said...

So even after king hussein had safely secured his spot as the worst president in our history, that wasn't good enough for carter. carter still insists on competing for that dis-honor.
What a mook.

Geoff King said...

This just in, the building of snowmen has now been deemed anti-Islamic:
http://www.foxnews.com/world/2015/01/13/saudi-cleric-declares-snowmen-as-being-anti-islamic/
As they have always also been racist because of their exclusive coloration, and in the name of Political Correctness, I feel it has now become our civic duty to put an end to this display of intolerance. Therefore, should you notice your neighbor's children constructing such a monstrosity, I recommend calling the authorities to have the parents arrested for allowing a hate crime to occur on their property, and then call CPS to have the children removed to a place where they may learn appropriate behavior. Just to be on the safe side, and to atone for the religious offensiveness, I also recommend that you rush over and behead the blasphemous effigy.

Steve said...

Ol Jimmeh was just contradicted by Alan Dershowitz: http://bit.ly/1ybABr3

Butterkäse said...

Gemma has had too many peanuts stuck up his ass over the years - they are stuck now, leading to a form of dementia called "numb nuts". An allergic reaction, you see...

Come to think of it, that seems to be the problem with Reid, Pelosi, Obama, Warren, and anyone else who calls themselves a Democrat.

You see, it's OK to blame the victim, if you're Gemma.

Rod said...

Two home runs today. I'm hoping "Where's Dildo?" catches on as quickly as "I'm Charlie" everywhere the jerk travels... or doesn't.

REM1875 said...

Lillian Carter- the woman with the biggest boobs in the world- jimmy and billy. I still think we buried the wrong brother.
Cant wait to piss on his grave even though I hate super long lines.

John the Econ said...

I don't exclusively blame this on Jimmy. I believe that he's been suffering dementia for decades now and his rampant antisemitism is just a symptom of that. It got so bad in fact, about a decade ago half of the academic staff at his own Presidential Library left in protest. It takes an awful lot get a bunch of leftie weenie academics to quit a cushy job like that.

Personally, I think the blame lies with Rosalynn Carter, who for whatever reasons didn't shuffle him off the public stage when this manifestation hit. Compare that to Nancy Reagan, who kept Ronnie under wraps once he started getting loopy. So fortunately, our final memories of Ronald Reagan were not of a raving madman. No such luck for Carter.

So for the last decade or so, Jimmy's mind has been stuck in some loop where the Israelites are the cause of all the world's problems. Perhaps this late-life manifestation is actually the product of guilt over letting the US get rolled by they Ayatollah in Iran back in the late '70s, kicking off the global Islamic resurgence which now seems destined to engulf western civilization in Europe, and leave America alone, just like in 1939. If I was the one responsible, I'd feel bad about that too. So instead, he lets what's left of his mind blame it all on the Jews.

And as @Karl Uppiano points out above, as for his comparison of Christianity to Islam, he clearly doesn't know at least one, if not both.

In the meantime, I think we've all seen enough about what the Muslims causing all the trouble believe; totalitarianism, slavery, reverting women to mere sexual property, and whatever inhuman murder and torture these psychopaths deem necessary to make it all happen.

I just think it's sad that one of the worst Presidents of modern history (since replaced by Obama) who became one of the best ex-Presidents will now be remembered for this nonsense instead of building houses. I could be said that he was personally responsible for more construction activity after his presidency than during.

As for the US no-show: Holder was in town and Kerry was on the continent, so they had absolutely no excuse not to be there. And since both of them have done so much to ferment global angst and insecurity, their personal security should not have been much of a concern. The Islamics would have been nuts to take our their "inside men".

So the only possible excuse was that they didn't want to "be controversial" when it actually counted. All they really did was snub our allies. Shameful, and inexcusable. Interestingly, not a peep from likely Democratic frontrunners for 2016 Hillary or Liz. Guess they wouldn't have been there either.

John the Econ said...

Here's another guy who just made the short-list for either Islamic execution or European indictment for "hate crimes", the Mayor of Rotterdam:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsOBjkCyCj8

"It is incomprehensible that you can turn against freedom... But if you don’t like freedom, for heaven’s sake pack your bags and leave... If you do not like it here because some humorists you don’t like are making a newspaper, may I then say you can f*** off."

At least there are a few people left there with balls.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@WMD- I'm guessing the White House pressured Jon Stewart to put Carter on the air, knowing that there was a 100% chance that Jimmy would say something stupid enough to distract from Obama's refusal to (ahem) "stand with France." And they were right.

@Geoff King- When I read the anti-snowman piece, I was wondering what the objection could be. Apparently, it's forbidden to make "an image of a human being."

I then thought, "what the hell human being looks like three big round lumps stacked on each other with stick arms and a carrot nose?" but then realized that I've never actually seen under a burka - so maybe the cleric knows what he's talking about.

@Steve- Yes, but can Dershowitz beat a rabbit to death with an oar?

@Butterkäse- Now that you mention it, it does seem like Democrats blame real victims, while trying to empower their electorate by falsely declaring them to be victims. Then again, everything progressives do is topsy-turvy.

@Rod- I must admit that I had an evil little grin on my face when prepping the "Where's Dildo?" graphic. I'd love for it to get spread around.

@REM1875- As you suggest, some cemetery in Georgia had better be planning on making Jimmy's "eternal flame" waterproof.

@John the Econ- I agree with your theories about Jimmy. His anti-semitism may well be a psychological or even neurological defect at this point.

Regarding the US no-show in Paris, it wasn't an oversight of any kind: it was a decision intended to show a clear consistency of message from the White House about standing with Islam, releasing Gitmo prisoners, and finding freedom of speech both inconvenient and unacceptably provocative.

rickn8or said...

Jimmy: Fuck a bunch of Palestinians and fuck YOU. It was the ROMANS that killed your Jesus, so lighten up on the Jews.

Billy's been dead (how many years?) and he's still smarter and more lucid than you.

I'm waiting for Jimmy to kick off and complete the set so I can start riding the circuit pissing on graves. That sumbitch better not opt for burial at Arlington...

Colby Muenster said...

Another fantastic post, Dr. Jarlsberg! How you do this and juggle your real life, I'll never know. I laughed out loud at the Where's Dildo one!

Perhaps The Second Worst US President did not notice the leaders of Israel AND Palestine marching against Islamic terror mere inches from each other? And this knucklehead claims to be a Bible believing Christian. The Bible is pretty clear about false gods and teaches that the only true God is the God of Abraham (yes, we was a Jew, Jimmah). What a turd...

@Crazy K9,
I spent a sweltering August week in Valdosta, GA on a Jimmah Cahtah work project. It was a fantastic experience, other than Jimmah. I was working with a pack of AmeriCorps kids, and Jimmah was supposed to help us one afternoon. He showed up that morning, went around for photo ops with all the home owners, then got too "sick" to work with us. At the time I was disappointed, but now I realize he likely never intended to actually work. Poser... just like our current poser.

A confession. I studied the Where's Dildo photo for a good 15 seconds before I realized... Dildo wasn't there! A real head slap moment...

Anonymous said...

Poor Jimmy -- he's 90 now and senile, and still thinks he brought peace to the Middle East at Camp David. Needs to go to the Habitat Home on the hill and drink plenty of Billy Beer.

Pete Madsen said...

'Tis a little hard to believe, isn't it, that 0bama will be an even worse ex-President than ol' Jimmuh.

Wait until Barack gets to be Carter's age....

TotallyPeeved said...

He may be stupid, but I think his main flaw is he is flat out evil and working for lucifer.

PRY said...

At this point in time, I really don't know WHEN or WHAT will cause Americans to wake up and realize what really is happening! I'm just pretty darn sure it's gonna be rough and too many of us will not be alive (and not because of old age) when it happens!

Have a nice day :- )

Shelly said...

"Because nothing says "thoughtful analysis of geopolitical terror and the tragic loss of life" like appearing on Comedy Central." Best piece of prose on the 'net today!

bocopro said...

Jimmah Cahtuh: A Study in Spineless Indecision and Ignorance in Positions of Prominence

As a boy, he liked to read. A teacher once told him about War and Peace and he was very disappointed in it because it didn’t have any cowboys and indians. After high school, he took classes for a while at Jim and Bubba’s Backyard University to see if he was cut out for the college life. Rejected by Duke University, he had to settle for Baronet Junior College. Largely because of oversight and clerical error, he was admitted to the US Naval Academy despite its policy against enrolling spineless jerkoffs. Through continuing administrative malfeasance, he took a BS degree and commenced his personal crusade to transform the United States into a weak, socialist, third-rate paper tiger.

He followed up his BS degree with work in nuclear physics and engineering, which prepared him marvelously for dealing with lying, posturing, double-dealing, US-hating, Middle Eastern terrorists. His first book, Why Not The Best? looks into the reasons he failed so miserably and consistently as president. He pushed legislation which would protect various animals already doomed by nature and cause thousands of people their jobs. He promoted quotas for minorities in governmental jobs and college admissions, and sacrificed American prestige and hostages for a shot at the Nobel Peace Prize. He was key in abandoning the country’s claim on the Panama Canal, and spent most of his energies meddling in the internal affairs of other nations by criticizing their human rights policies. A poor farm boy from rural Georgia, he rose to the pinnacle of Worst President in the 20th century, all by himself, and is damned proud of it.

Popular Front said...

Given that the bucktoothed bonehead had his ass kicked by a bunny rabbit I don't think he's really the go-to guy on matters geopolitik do you?

Popular Front said...

@REM1875 - when 'thinking of the carter years' rejoice in the fact that they were brief.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Carter and Mr. Obama once again prove to be complete idiots. Carter for his comments on Islam /Christianity and Mr. Obabma for his callous disregard for the people of the western world which he supposedly leads. Can't attend the rally! To busy playing politics at home.

John the Econ said...

Actually, this is rather scary, but it's an unfortunate fact that a lot of people now get their feed on current events exclusively from Comedy Central via Jon Stewart & Steven Colbert.

What's even scarier is that many of these people actually think Colbert is a Republican, instead of a liberal-fantasy caricature of one.

Now is this any worse than relying upon the other alphabets for their window on the world? Probably not. But it's still scary, none-the-less.

Judi King said...

Now we hear that Soros spent 33 million on funding the Ferguson mess. Also, the IRS is in disarray so your tax refunds may be late. ALL kinds of good and hopeful news today.

John the Econ said...

This is completely unrelated to the topic at hand, but is related to one of my favorite economic topics: The Education Bubble. Since I think we've exhausted all there is to say about the 2nd worst President in modern history, Ann Coulter had an excellent piece that nails down to the essence of why a college education is today both as expensive and useless as it's ever been.

She also makes another good point: Since Obama is now a lame duck, expect an endless stream of completely ridiculous and yet fabulously expensive suggestions for Federal programs intended to buy the favor of the young and stupid for Democrats while trying to make Republicans look stingy. That's certainly what his "Free College" plan is all about.

John the Econ said...

Did the Pope really say "If my good friend Dr Gasparri says a curse word against my mother, he can expect a punch"?

Really?

Longhorn Six said...

Almost nose snorted my cuppa this morning when I read the suggestion that JC (no, not Him, the senile one) enter the Habitat for Humililty. Several years ago we were on a flight from Baltimore to Atlanta that Jimmy was on. He waited until AFTER the flight attendant broadcast an apology for the delays, promising that the required paperwork was coming down the ramp at that time and that we would then be able to button up and push back. At that exact moment I saw Jimmy stand up from his First Class Seat and start working the airplane, front to back, shaking hands with every single hapless soul on board - because, of course, saying you shook his hand is far more important than making your connecting flight in Atlanta. Since he had two SS guys (no, not them, ours) with him, looking a little embarrassed, I shook his hand, quickly and with a blank look on my face. Washed it as soon as possible. He wasted a good 15 minutes on this exercise in hubris.

Drew Curtis said...

http://www.independent.co.uk/incoming/article9972887.ece/alternates/w620/paris-march-wide-shot.jpg

Don't worry that entire photo with the world leaders in Paris was fake anyway.

Anonymous said...

Have you ever read Charlie Hebdo? Do you support the anti-Christian cartoons and commentary they promoted? Why all the outrage?