Wednesday, January 14, 2015
According to the White House activity log, both the president and vice president had a top level meeting with "Mr. Bubble," meaning Obama spent Sunday afternoon farting in the bathtub while Biden snapped at the bubbles, splashed and giggled. And in fairness, Sunday is a day in which ritual and tradition should be observed.
Meanwhile the world was stunned by the lack of meaningful American representation in Paris, and clearly yearned to hear the heartfelt thoughts of an American president. Unfortunately, that president turned out to be Jimmy Carter, who appeared on the Jon Stewart show. Because nothing says "thoughtful analysis of geopolitical terror and the tragic loss of life" like appearing on Comedy Central.
Carter explained that the killers were (ahem) "aggravated" because of what Israel is "doing now, doing to (the Palestinians)." OHhhhh! And here we thought it was those pesky drawings of Mohammed that inspired the massacre. But Carter knows better and, fortunately, he has an easy solution for the real problem!
"Israelis have to withdraw from the west bank and Gaza and East Jerusalem as well," he explained, adding that in return, the Palestinians just have to agree to live in peace. Right.
Frankly, Hope n' Change thinks it would make more sense for the surviving staffers at Charlie Hebdo to hire ISIS members as interns, and give them huge sharp knives to sharpen the cartoonists' pencils. While promising to live in peace, of course.
Carter also said of the terrorist attacks, "I think this is a positive turning point in some respects because a lot of people now are trying to understand what do the Muslims really believe. Their beliefs are very similar to Christians as far as peace and harmony and so forth. I think, now, we'll have a better approach to cure (Islamophobia) in general."
That's got to be the ultimate "glass half full" statement. And whatever the hell his glass was half full of, you'd better not drop a whole bottle of it because it will blow a smoking hole in the Earth the size of Bogota.
While it's tempting for us to suggest that Mr. Carter needs to start wearing a helmet in the falling hammer zones at Habitat for Humanity sites, we really think that what will be best for humanity is if the former president checks himself into a Habitat for Humility house, which we'll personally volunteer to build.
There won't be any doors, windows, telephones, televisions, or Internet. However there will be a slot through which Mr. Carter can get delicious, nutritious Michelle Obama approved school meals (sorry, no peanuts!) and, of course, a weekly copy of Charlie Hebdo.
Bonus: From the HnC Facebook Page