Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Hell To Pay

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, income tax, taxes

Hope n' Change isn't commenting on news today because we're working on our taxes and it's critically important that we make sure all of our paperwork is in order. And by paperwork, we're referring to our airline tickets and passports.

We're kidding (mostly), although a run for the border almost seems preferable to the unending hell of trying to figure out Kafka-esque IRS forms which seem to have been poorly translated from their original Martian. Oh sure, we use Turbotax software - but so did former Obama financial bag-man Timothy Geithner, and his taxes were off by tens of thousands of dollars (in his own favor). Not that anyone cared.

And although the Feds don't seem to be putting much effort into finding blatant tax cheats like Al Sharpton (hint: he was at the freaking White House yesterday) who owes 3.7 million dollars, we suspect that we would receive somewhat less leniency owing to the fact that our entire business model is based on calling the president an anti-American douche-noodle.

And don't even start us on Lois Lerner, or the fact that the IRS has been spending buttloads of money on AR-15's and boxcars of ammunition while utterly failing to upgrade their 1960's-era computer technology. Or the fact that if you call the IRS for help, you'll probably get a wrong answer. Or at least you would if they were answering their helpline phones - but they're not, owing to budget shortfalls quite possibly caused by the fact that they've misplaced billions of dollars and (oops!) forgot to keep any records of where the money went. Even IRS Commissioner John Koskinen refers to IRS customer service as "abysmal."

So, now that we've doubled down on asking for an audit, we really want to make sure we've got everything in order when we file our return. Which currently means we need to go hunting for a previously unknown form that the self-employed need to fill out and send to the government to show how much we paid ourselves this year. They will then compare this form to the amount we report on our actual taxes, just to see if we're too stupid to report the same number in both places.

The form itself is available online in PDF format, as is the special instruction that more or less says "if you print this form for the love of all that's holy, don't use it." The IRS then directs you to download information document "part O" so you can look up the fines you'll have to pay if you do use their downloadable form. And sadly, we're not making this up.

Still, all of the frustration is worth it in the end if it means we're contributing our "fair share" to a government that will spend our hard-earned money carefully, wisely, and frugally.

No doubt on about 30 seconds of the Obama family's next luxury vacation.

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, income tax, taxes


Geoff King said...

The IRS is an unconstitutional organization. The 16th amendment, which gave congress the power to tax US citizens, was never ratified. Furthermore, requiring taxpayers to file 1040s, or any other income disclosure form, violates the 5th amendment:

John the Econ said... it's little coincidence that I'm up working late when I find that I desperately need a distraction from working on my taxes, and I pop over to H&C to see if a new cartoon is up, and I find this!

Thanks for nothing!

REM1875 said...

We have a long family tradition here of filing an extension and doing our taxes late. I don't think it will be broken this year as some traditions are sacred.

Wahoo said...

Hmmm, that skewered-virgin-on-a-stick gives me a great kabob idea next time I'm grilling in the backyard.

Bobo the Hobo said...

You have my sympathies, Stilt. My dad once received the wrong form from his former employer and even though he sent in a corrected copy, he was fined. He was so hacked off.

Thank God we are able to H&R Block; we can fly under the radar.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Geoff King- I've heard that argued before and am somewhat sympathetic to the opinion. On the other hand, the IRS has AR-15s and jail cells handy, so I'm filling out their furshlugginer forms.

@John the Econ- If you had submitted a Schedule-HA Request for Substitute Cartoon prior to the April 7th filing deadline, I could have helped you.

@REM1875- I always try to avoid that because I want my return to arrive at the same time as millions of others; hopefully to be lost without ever getting close inspection. Not that I don't report honestly (I do!) but because I don't trust the IRS not to introduce mistakes into the process.

@Wahoo- A pessimist sees Hell as eternal torture. An optimist sees Hell as a great place to make smoked meats.

@Bobo the Hobo- I don't trust others to do my taxes; tried it once and the return was wildly wrong (I fixed it before filing).

And in terms of the amount of money reported on my return, I'm surely way under the radar. Trenchant political commentary isn't the gold mine that some would have you believe. (wry grin)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- Concerned that the government just might not be spending your tax dollars wisely?

Attentive reader Ken sent me this link to a story accurately titled "Feds giving Puerto Ricans disability benefits because they speak Spanish."

Japheaux said...

If in fact, the machine spits out your jail sentence it could get ugly. You know that saying about prison and being married to the man with the most (Choom) cigarettes? It's one thing getting screwed by a corrupt idiots in charge on the outside, but another when you're a conservative blogger facing prison time. A whole new meaning for the Tax Man cometh. The good news is that they will probably give you an Etch-a-Sketch as your new laptop to continue H&C.

I'm with you, dot every 'i' and cross every 't' now because they are going to be looking.

Bruce Bleu said...

As long as my tax dollars (which are 9 times larger this year than any time in HISTORY) are paying for lamont's golf vacations I WANT TO HAVE A SAY regarding WHERE THAT VACATION IS! How about Hawaii... INSIDE MAUNA LOA!!!!
(for those who are unaware, it stands for "'Fornicate' Him And The Camel He Rode In On")

Bruce Bleu said...

Oh, and Stilton... Castrato speaks Spanish too. Should we shitcan the Keystone Pipeline and use the energy to build a money-pipeline to CUBER!
When is lamont going to order permanent markers to have his photo on them and call them "Marx-A-Lot"s?

CenTexTim said...

It wouldn't be so funny if it wasn't so true.

Rod said...

Meanwhile the combination of IRS demanding electronic returns, without PINs.. IRS issues refunds so readily without checking & including to prepaid debit cards.. SSN on Medicare cards.. & so many federal & state agencies having one's SSN could hardly be a better set-up for ID thieves, frauds & crooks. It's so silly it's really hard to believe. We're in big trouble.

John the Econ said...


I live in a university town. Does this mean I now qualify for disability because I don't speak "PC-hipster"?

@Geoff King, go for it and don't pay. I have no idea what your racial background is, but I'm willing to bet my refund that unlike Al Sharpton who gets invited to visit the White House once-a-month on average, you will instead be "invited" to visit another Federal institution, safely escorted by well-armed agents of the government I am now writing checks to.

Now please excuse me as the part of me that remains has has to clean up after the head-explosure.

Japheaux said...

BTW....Weekly Standard reports Harry is blind in his right eye from that 'exercise' accident. He didn't need his eyes to find out what was in Obamacare--they just needed to pass it to find what's in it. Ocular Analitis...he just can't see his ass caring about anything good for America. His legacy is solidified as one of the key players who attempted to destroy this great nation. Hopefully someday he will indeed SEE THAT.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Japheaux- I'm not actually that worried about prison because of a little trick I know; the first day there, I'd pick out the biggest, meanest sonofagun and then beat the stew out of him. Everyone will leave me alone after that.

@Bruce Bleu- I'm not sure Madame Pele would appreciate it if we start throwing trash into volcanoes.

@CenTexTim- Honestly, a random word generator could turn out forms that make more sense.

And I'm far from the first person to suggest this, but I'd like to see a law passed which requires every federal level politician to do their own taxes without outside help, and be subject to double fines and penalties for any errors they make. I'll bet the forms would get simplified pretty darn fast.

@Rod- Personally, I think the IRS loves identity theft and sending out money to frauds and crooks. Because the goal of this administration is to keep bleeding money until the whole system collapses.

Case in point: the government sent out information to Obamacare recipients with the tax information related to their subsidies, and people used that information to file. Then the government said "oops - that information was totally wrong" and sent out corrected info for people to re-file their taxes. And then (wait for it!) they did it again.

So how did the IRS deal with this mess? They told people that if they'd already filed using the bad information and got refunds they weren't entitled to, they could just keep the money free and clear.

Only it wasn't the IRS's money to give away: that's money taken out of some other taxpayer's pocket! (I think I've given myself a headache...)

@John the Econ- I live in Texas, and I'm starting to think I should get disability payments for not speaking Spanish.

@Japheaux- Indeed, the reports are that Reid has effectively lost vision in that eye, and is blind to everything on the right. Then again, he's been blind to the Right for decades... (ba-da-BOOM!)

John the Econ said...

Well, speaking of sheer insanity, here's something that could actually give you a legitimate reason to need to go on disability:


Yup, that's right. DHS is actually going to release an illegal alien (aka, someone who shouldn't even be in this country in the first place) loose among unsuspecting legal citizens with an almost incurable strain of a highly infectious disease.

Unfortunately, he's going to be released in the middle of flyover country, so the elites in the more civilized DC suburbs don't care. If I was the Pima County authorities, I'd ship him east and drop him off in one of the affluent DC suburbs. I bet the authorities might get excited then.

REM1875 said...

Considering how much you owe and what is or is not a crime is different from one employee to the next makes this a bigger crap shoot than the indian casino right up the road.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- When policy flies in the face of sanity, sanity should win - but rarely does. I'm just dumbfounded.

@REM1875- The numbers I'm dealing with are laughably small, but I have a tremendous aversion to filling out forms that make no blithering sense to me and then swearing under pain of perjury and penalty that I got everything right. My conscience is clear, but (to quote Rumsfeld) "I don't know what I don't know."

Here's an honest-to-Lois-Lerner instruction I had to attempt to follow: "In addition, enter an “X” in this box if you are an FFI reporting in box 1 to satisfy your chapter 4 reporting requirement under the election described in Regulations section 1.1471-4(d)(5)(i)(B)."

I could learn to be a brain surgeon in less time than it would take me to figure out that statement.

REM1875 said...

OK herexs a little secret I learned from a postal employee while selling him ammunition and knives-back date the check seal the envelope run some sort of cart over it then stomp all over it. The will figure the post office lost it and blame the post office.
I will not go to court and testify about this so you are on your own.

Popular Front said...

@Stilton - 'smoked meats'

TheOldMan said...

Hearing of all the poor overworked souls at the IRS, I figured that my amended 2013 return, filed in mid Feb would be processed around Nov. I was stunned to receive a refund check from CA in 4 wks and a 2014 tax credit from the IRS in about 6 wks. So sometimes it does work at warp speed...