Friday, April 24, 2015
Some time ago, Hope n' Change announced our intention to initiate "Good News Fridays" in which we would report only the positive, uplifting stories in the news. This didn't really catch on, though, because it's easier (and more pleasant) to pan for gold in a cesspool than it is to find good news lately.
But undaunted, we're taking another shot at it. Mostly because we're absolutely sure at this point that there is no gold in our cesspool - it all turned out to be undigested corn. And so, with hip-waders pulled high, let's wade into the good news...
• Starbucks has announced plans to open a location in Ferguson, Missouri. After critics lambasted the coffee franchise's "Race Together" initiative and pointed out that Starbucks locations are highest where people are whitest, the company's CEO has announced that there will soon be a store in 70%-black Ferguson. In furtherance of promoting racial dialogue, the baristas will be encouraged to explain to the patrons why a "damn cup of coffee" is unaffordable.
• Showing that some agencies can actually show fiscal responsibility in Washington, the IRS is receiving Congressional attention for their thrifty decision to gut their customer service budget. Sure, it meant that the previously horrible customer service actually descended into being "abysmal," according to the head of the IRS - but with the cash saved, the agency was able to give generous bonuses to employees who showed special skill and initiative in mission-critical tasks like destroying hard drives.
• Excitement is building about the upcoming human head transplant surgery which, if successful, will finally realize mankind's oldest dream: being able to graft your head onto the body of someone who lived a healthy lifestyle and did all the working out that you couldn't be bothered with. The donor body for the experimental surgery has not yet been selected, but Joe Biden is said to be leading in the early write-in votes.
• Hillary Clinton, who is running for president on a platform of ending mean-spiritedness in our lifetime, has issued a clarification about her previously reported statement that she wants to "topple the one-percenters." Actually, it turns out that the eternally fundraising (and frequently blitzed) Mrs. Clinton said she wants to tipple with the one-percenters. Bottoms up, Hil!
• Proving that substantive, hard-hitting journalism is still alive, tonight ABC will air a two-hour interview between Diane Sawyer and Bruce Jenner, in which the former Olympian will finally get some things off his chest. Well, not his chest exactly, but trust us - things are coming off somewhere. Among the questions the nation wants answered: following surgery, will the one-time pole vaulter be keeping the leftovers in a "pole" vault?
And there you have it - every iota of good news we could come up with. And frankly, it all still looks like undigested corn.