Friday, April 24, 2015

Mirth Day

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, good news, hillary, irs, starbucks

Some time ago, Hope n' Change announced our intention to initiate "Good News Fridays" in which we would report only the positive, uplifting stories in the news. This didn't really catch on, though, because it's easier (and more pleasant) to pan for gold in a cesspool than it is to find good news lately.

But undaunted, we're taking another shot at it. Mostly because we're absolutely sure at this point that there is no gold in our cesspool - it all turned out to be undigested corn. And so, with hip-waders pulled high, let's wade into the good news...

• Starbucks has announced plans to open a location in Ferguson, Missouri. After critics lambasted the coffee franchise's "Race Together" initiative and pointed out that Starbucks locations are highest where people are whitest, the company's CEO has announced that there will soon be a store in 70%-black Ferguson. In furtherance of promoting racial dialogue, the baristas will be encouraged to explain to the patrons why a "damn cup of coffee" is unaffordable.

• Showing that some agencies can actually show fiscal responsibility in Washington, the IRS is receiving Congressional attention for their thrifty decision to gut their customer service budget. Sure, it meant that the previously horrible customer service actually descended into being "abysmal," according to the head of the IRS - but with the cash saved, the agency was able to give generous bonuses to employees who showed special skill and initiative in mission-critical tasks like destroying hard drives.

• Excitement is building about the upcoming human head transplant surgery which, if successful, will finally realize mankind's oldest dream: being able to graft your head onto the body of someone who lived a healthy lifestyle and did all the working out that you couldn't be bothered with. The donor body for the experimental surgery has not yet been selected, but Joe Biden is said to be leading in the early write-in votes.

• Hillary Clinton, who is running for president on a platform of ending mean-spiritedness in our lifetime, has issued a clarification about her previously reported statement that she wants to "topple the one-percenters." Actually, it turns out that the eternally fundraising (and frequently blitzed) Mrs. Clinton said she wants to tipple with the one-percenters. Bottoms up, Hil!

• Proving that substantive, hard-hitting journalism is still alive, tonight ABC will air a two-hour interview between Diane Sawyer and Bruce Jenner, in which the former Olympian will finally get some things off his chest. Well, not his chest exactly, but trust us - things are coming off somewhere. Among the questions the nation wants answered: following surgery, will the one-time pole vaulter be keeping the leftovers in a "pole" vault?

And there you have it - every iota of good news we could come up with. And frankly, it all still looks like undigested corn.


drjim said...

It's a tough job to find "good" news, Stilt, but you're up to it!

REM1875 said...

War with Iran was narrowly averted when the Iranians notice vj in the corner trying to contain her laughter and a large, rapidly increasing yellow puddle at the base of the president's feet. We were only Ernestly Joshing.

Geoff King said...

I Googled "happy news" and found that, although there are several sites dedicated to that elusive commodity, many have not posted a new article in years.
However, I did find this Fox News Opinion article from Earth Day to be quite uplifting:

Cat Whisperer said...

More good news! The Clintons only sold half of our domestic uranium output to the Russians. It was an all or nothing deal, but they are shrewd negotiators.

Fred Ciampi said...

I have some good news; my chickens are laying again. Probably due to the warm weather. Um, leeme see, in other good news, I decided to keep the TV off for the rest of the day. Well, that's all folks.

American Cowboy said...

I may be one of a few who see the humor in this link contained in the article about the IRS.
PHOTOS: 21 best guns for home protection

Bruce Bleu said...

Yes, Stilton... this is a veritable corn-uh-copia of good news, (koff koff). One issue that REALLY stands out is the "customer service" at the IRS. Reminds me of the joke about the bull that "services" the cows! It's like great white sharks having a express line at a feeding frenzy! If there was concern about "money saving" issues, how about we break lamont's writing hand so he can't generate any more executive orders, HUH!? Or, better yet, let's send lamont, magilla, molWookiee and sachet to Kenya where lamont can hook up with "his people"! (Oh, wait... maybe he's afraid that magilla will be kidnapped and forced into the sex trade... koff... gag... glurg... BLECCCCCCHHHHHH!!!!! sorry for that repulsive suggestion, my typing was going faster than my envisioning.)

Anonymous said...

I don't know, are STILL a lot more optimistic than I am.

Upon consideration that is probably a good thing.

Cookie said...

Well done once again, sir!

jimp8606 said...

thank you for finding humor in undigested corn but of course who doesn't love a good poop joke

John the Econ said...

There's always good news if you're willing to look for it.

Starbucks: I recall a few years ago Progressives making hay over the the fact that Starbucks were mostly located in affluent white neighborhoods. So Starbucks made a big deal about opening a store in a "poor" neighborhood in Seattle. Because if there's anything that poor people need, it's a $5 cup of coffee.

IRS: They're just doing what bureaucracies do. The good part? Merely vindicating what people like me say always say about government bureaucracies.

Head Transplant: Instead of urban legends about people being kidnapped and waking up sans-kidneys, they'll be stories of people waking up sans-bodies. Watch out, Kim Kardashian.

Hillary Clinton: Here is the really great news of the day. As I've been saying here for a week or so, I think Hillary 2016 is toast. Her phony "pretend to be listening tour" was a total bust. "Mailgate" is not going away. And now the purpose and inner workings of the Clinton Foundation are now under a the media microscope.

Did I say "media microscope"? Why yes, I did! And we're not talking "Fox". We're talking the pinnacle of the establishment left wing media; the New York Times, Washington Post, NBC News and others. Hillary was not expecting this; this was not supposed to happen. Hillary was clearly expecting the kind of media that they had 24 years ago; one that had a "tingle going down its leg" and would brush aside and ignore anything that was the least bit unsavory about the Clintons. Clearly, that's not going to happen this time.

Why? Is it because the hard-left Progressives running the Times et-al have no illusions about what a Clinton presidency would be like?; A hopelessly corrupt White House open to the biggest bidder? Heck, even the Koch Brothers could have their way with Hillary if the price was right. They certainly can't allow that kind of bipartisanship in Washington!

At the end of the day, the Clinton Foundation is little more than a massive money laundering machine vaguely disguised as a charity devoted to saving poor Africans from malaria. It's real purpose is to keep Bill & Hillary living the lifestyle they became so accustomed to during the '90s, and buying and selling political favors. Unlike legitimate charities that spend most of their donations on their stated purpose, almost all of the income of the Clinton Foundation is spent on salaries and "travel expenses" for the Clintons.

So given that the media is clearly not going to let obvious corruption and hypocrisy of the Clitnons slide by, it's going to be extra difficult for Hillary, who makes $165 per second giving 30-minute speeches to bored college kids to peddle her "I wanna topple the 1%-ers" shtick.

Instead, I predict the media is going to turn their favor towards Elizabeth Warren, who is nearly as hypocritical as Hillary, but mainly differs in that she honestly believes her class warfare rhetoric and has a net worth of only about 1/6th of what the Clintons have.

John the Econ said...

Bruce Jenner: Seriously. Who cares? If anything, this is an object lesson in what happens when someone peaks before they're 25, and then have no real plan for the other two-thirds of their life beyond that.

An aside: Now watching an interview with John Boehner on the Clintons. Boehner, you are an idiot. First he goes on about the mail server and how they want it. What for? The mail you are interested is gone! That server was scrubbed months ago. The Clintons are "Good public servants"? Seriously?

This is why the GOP is going to lose to Liz Warren.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@drjim- I swear that I looked for good news, but couldn't really find doodly squat that didn't involve pictures of cuddly animals.

@REM1875- When you think about the control wielded by Valerie Jarrett, I'd say that it's the VJ team vs the JV team on the terrorism front. Or I would say that if I thought they were on opposite sides...

@Cat Whispered- Hey, that IS good news! Well done!

@Fred Ciampi- Every little bit helps.

@American Cowboy- I see both humor and wisdom.

@Bruce Bleu- Maybe I should give up on "good news" and just make this "free association Friday" (grin).

@Anonymous- I'm not natually optimistic, but I've learned a lot from my friend Johnny Optimism.

@Cookie- Thank you!

@jimp8606- Among life's truisms, that one is near the top.

@John the Econ- I, too, am skeptical that Hillary can go the distance this time around. She and her husband are involved in so much corruption that I think the power brokers on the Left will decide she's not worth the gamble.

Regarding Bruce Jenner, I don't really give a rat's hiney about his surgery or transgenderism. If he wants it, fine and good luck to him/her. But I can't pretend to care.

And finally, John Boehner. It makes me nuts that people are still making noises about wanting to get their hands on the Clintons' email server. Not only have the hard drives been wiped, I'd bet the relevant hard drives themselves are long gone.

Mind you, I'd also bet that Hillary was telling the truth when she said the emails were all erased, but that everything was backed up first, encrypted, and hidden offsite.

And for Boehner to praise the Clintons as good public servants is appalling. Hillary smoothing the sale of 50% of our nation's Uranium in return for campaign donations makes me think of her husband's greasing the skids to sell missile guidance technology to China in return for campaign funds. How these acts don't constitute actionable treason is beyond me.

dk99 said...

Call me a hopelessly reactionary neanderthal, but I can'y buy the "If he [Bruce Jenner] wants it [sexual mutilation surgery], fine and good luck to him/her." While I find that I see eye to eye with many libertarians about specific issues, I draw the line at the laissez-faire attitude towards mainstreaming acceptance (a de facto promotion of it, in fact) of unnatural behavior. This is all being socially engineered, and it's a deliberate attack on common decency and the very fabric of society, which is marriage and the family. Not okay with "good luck to him/her."

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@dk99- Perhaps my opinion is tempered somewhat by being almost related (via marriage) to an individual who was born an actual hermaphrodite and had to choose a sexual identity to live with (and a bit of surgery to discard the sexual equipment not chosen).

Personally, I don't think the Bruce Jenners of the world represent as great a threat to traditional marriage as all of the rampant infidelity and failure of heterosexual couples to really honor their vows.

Mind you, I think a fair amount (maybe even most) "transgendered" people are actually mentally ill and need help other than that delivered by unscrupulous surgeons. It's a complicated and frequently sad world out there.

Colby Muenster said...

Good ones, Stilton! And two gold stars for giving Good News Friday a go again despite the odds against success.

I know our chances of that hateful bag, Hillary getting eliminated from the election are slim, but it is indeed enjoyable seeing her crown getting tarnished on a regular basis. The best part is seeing some of the major LSM outlets getting in on the action. Perhaps Mr. Econ has nailed it. The NY Times et al may have a new darling in mind. O'Liar came out of the blue in 2008 and beat HRC. It could happen to poor widdle Hillary again.

And yes, "the" server is long gone. Prolly smashed into dust, melted with a brazing torch, and tossed into the Arctic Sea by now.

But... I have actual good news this week. A vendor of the company I work for took me to dinner, and I scored a $50 steak and topped it off with a $30 shot of 18 year old McAllan. That's about as good as it gets, right?

PRY said...

That's as good a take on the 'good news' as I can find!

I'm definitely becoming a believer in 'no new is good news'! But, of course, even if there were no news stories at all, the cable channels have allll those hours to fill!

And...'no news' will be the norm after our power grids have been fried by terrorists!

John the Econ said...

I don't see the Bruce Jenner freak show as any more a threat to traditional society than traditional society itself.

If there is a bigger problem, it would probably be that in the elitist Progressive/media sphere, Bruce Jenner isn't considered as suffering a mental issue any more so than they believe traditional conservatives like myself are. If Bruce Jenner wants to mutilate himself into something else, then he's a breakout hero. It's the free-thinking people like us who are the real threat.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Colby Muenster- Oooo, steak and 18 year old McAllan. I think we can just go ahead and declare you the day's winner.

@PRY- So your "good news" is that we won't hear the bad news after the grid goes down? Man, talk about a glass half full attitude... (grin)

@John the Econ- Interesting, the surgery to change a conservative into a liberal is exactly the same as that being performed on Bruce Jenner.

John the Econ said...

@Stilton, I have no doubt that if as an obscure Libertarian/Conservative, I were to present myself for gender re-assignment, I would immediately become fodder for the magazine news shows and become a cause célèbre for the left, which would celebrate it as a "breakthrough" for both myself and society as a whole.

Rod said...

Been gone for a while; no news; nice break. I've not paid attention to Mr, Mrs, Ms, Mz Jenner since 1976 when "he" was a hell of an athlete. That's also when our first kids were born and a long time ago. Using Wikipedia I must say it's a diverse summary and one couldn't make this stuff up. I also suspect that much time spent with the publicity-hungry but no-talent K. family is enough to mess with anyone's mind. God bless; and it's otherwise not my business, interest nor problem. This all goes into the same file as Kim K, & old tired liar Hillary. Could we please just put them on the optional interest list; not right in our face all the time?

PRY said...

Oh, how the mighty have fallen! That's what I was thinking this morning watchin some of the Bruce Jenner interview!
Pretty stinking sad, peaking that early...your face on Wheaties boxes, all the adulation...then when that was over....well, here we are! Most of us won't have to worry about stuff like that, though...just freakin' SURVIVAL!!

REM1875 said...

Breaking news-media slobbering love affair with bruce jenner is over! Media sources are dropping jenner like a hot patatoe and are trying trying to distance themselves faster than an Olympic 440. "We have given jenner alot of passes but that is over! Our public will not tolerate that he/she came out of the closet as ahhh hmm a damned republican" This was followed off mike by some rather crude transexual slurs surprisingly common repeated by many former media supporters.

Dieter said...

The one thing Hilary should be taken to task for is her statement that they were flat broke when they left the white house. For a couple not only to be at the very top of the salary scale for years but also have almost all their expenses paid for and then turn around and say they are broke can only mean total fiscal irresponsibility. If with that sort of income they cannot manage their own finance they should not be allowed anywhere near the national finances.

Geoff King said...

It does not matter that Hillary gloated about getting a child rapist off on the most minor sentence possible. It does not matter that Hillary deleted sensitive emails dealing with national security issues from her illegal private server. It does not matter that Hillary ignored multiple requests for more security from Ambassador Stevans prior to his execution in Benghazi. It does not matter that Hillary was kicked off of the Watergate investivgative council for being a lying piece of crap. It does not matter that Hillary gave almost half of our county's uranium production to Russia in exchange for major contributions to her "charity organization". It does not matter that Hillary defended her sexual predator husband and conducted character assassination operations against every female that brought forth allegations against her man.
All that matters now is that Hillary must be the next president because...vagina. Anyone who thinks otherwise is sexist...period.

Rod said...

Stilt, you sicko, I know you're thinking about it. Please do NOT do a cartoon feature Hillary's vagina.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Rod- Oh, you know I'm going to... (grin)