But to quell our fears, the poet laureate in chief adopted his thousand-yard stare and intoned that we will "squeeze the heart" of ISIS, making it "harder to pump terror." At which point we're assuming Lt. Col. Ralph Peters (temporarily banned from Fox News for over-accuracy) probably machine-gunned his own television.
Because what the hell kind of threat is "heart squeezing?" It sounds more like the description of a Hallmark movie of the week about a blind orphan and the dying dog who gives him hope at Christmas. And speaking of the holidays...
GIFT WITH A BOWE ATTACHED
By wild coincidence, the president timed his ISIS speech in such a way that it would push another interesting story out of the news: accused deserter Bowe Bergdahl is now officially facing court martial and a possible life sentence behind bars.
As you will recall (unless you happen to be a Democrat or a member of the mainstream media), Bergdahl was swapped for five high-value Taliban members who were released from Gitmo. Of whom, "at least three" have resumed "threatening activities."
Remember too that Bergdahl's release was treated as a great patriotic moment by B. Hussein, albeit a weird one considering it involved the deserter's father reciting an Islamic prayer in a Rose Garden ceremony. And does anyone recall that one of the reasons the White House cited for the awful deal was a "frightening decline" in Bergdahl's health? It's never been mentioned again, and Bergdahl appears to be the picture of health - unlike the soldiers who died trying to find him after he abandoned his post.
Frankly, we think Bergdahl's trial should be aiming for a firing squad (no pun intended) rather than another prison which could become grist for another deal by Obama. And while on the subject of prisons (and who should be in them)...
We don't even really need to explain this one, right? And finally...
Not long ago we reported on the absolutely nightmarish process of trying to get a new insurance policy through Healthcare.gov after Blue Cross Blue Shield killed our existing plan and - in a letter to the medically homeless - specifically blamed Obamacare.
But we eventually did get a crappy, overpriced HMO policy on Healthcare.gov, and on Monday our proof of insurance cards arrived. Which is when the trouble started.
The two cards (one for each of the senior Jarlsbergs) had the names of two different PCP physicians on them (in an HMO, your "PCP" is the alleged doctor who becomes the gateway to either allow or deny all other healthcare services). Despite the fact that we'd named another doctor during the application process - indeed, we were required to pick a doctor - the new physicians were complete strangers whose names indicated they "weren't from around here," nudge-nudge wink-wink.
A quick online search showed that both doctors had pretty dismal reputations. One of them only had office hours two days a week, and only for five hours each of those days. Good luck getting an appointment! The other doctor required a 45-minute drive and ran a combined "family practice and low-cost lasik surgery" center in a strip mall.
A panicked call to Blue Cross put us on hold for 50 minutes before ever speaking to a human. Finally, we were told that we could absolutely change our PCP doctors because the ones shown on our cards were "dummy doctors."
"We can't process the new applications unless there's a PCP doctor, and so we just put in any doctor within driving distance," said the helpful (honest!) woman on the phone.
"But what about the doctor I was required to choose on my application?"
"Healthcare.gov doesn't share that information with the insurers."
Let that sink in for a moment. You can't get your HMO policy through Healthcare.gov without specifying the PCP physician you want, but afterwards the government discards that information and the only way for the insurers to meet their deadlines is to make assignments completely at random. This despite having multiple years and billions of dollars to design a system in which the information that is laboriously collected would actually be sent where it needs to go.
And then consider that these are the listmakers who can't keep track of how many immigrants have overstayed their visas. Who can't make meaningful terror watch lists. Who want to take away our second amendment rights based on new lists which will be compiled in secret and maintained by bureaucratic poltroons at best, and malicious political operatives at worst.
Sadly, if you liked you country...it may already be too late to keep it.