|We can't believe it either.|
Punxsutawney Phil took a look at the world and then predicted an early Spring for the filthy rich, but bitter cold and continuing Winter for the 99% - with women and minorities expected to suffer the greatest number of chilblains. No, wait - that was Bernie Sanders' prediction. We apologize for the understandable mixup.
Unfortunately for Phil, he was dragged from his slumber just in time to see the results of the Iowa caucuses. Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders essentially tied, although Hillary finally managed to eke out a technical win by dint of six coin tosses to assign delegates. Bernie supporters, who lost all six tosses by (ahem) remarkable coincidence, complained that the process was unfair owing to the fact that none of them actually had any coins of their own to flip.
Hilariously, Bernie supporters are now calling for election monitors at future primaries to prevent voter fraud from Hillary supporters and the DNC. Which is funny, since we thought there was neither jot nor tittle of evidence that there is ever any voter fraud from Democrats. We stand corrected.
Meanwhile, alleged Democratic candidate Martin O'Malley received no delegates, got less than 1% of the votes, and dropped out of the race after damning the men and women of Iowa to endless, blistering hell and swearing that he would never eat corn again. Okay, he probably didn't do that, but it would have been the most interesting 10 seconds of his campaign.
On the GOP side, Donald "No one remembers who came in second" Trump came in second, Ted Cruz finished on top, Marco Rubio racked up a surprisingly strong third place finish, and Dr. Ben Carson came in fourth because, as even Punxsutawney Phil could tell you, politics isn't brain surgery.