Monday, February 8, 2016
Following Hillary Clinton's discovery in Iowa that she is less popular among young females than a yeast infection, the former first lady is pulling out all the stops in New Hampshire to try to upset what is expected to be a runaway win in the bimbo demographic for doddering socialist Bernie "Sugar Grandaddy" Sanders.
To that end, Hillary asked herself what vivacious, high-powered celebrity superstar could help her reel in those youthful female votes, and she came up with...Madeleine Albright. The 78-year old Secretary of State under Bill Clinton (although we don't know how often), who helped negotiate an Iran-style deal with the North Koreans which gave them billions of dollars in aid to keep them from ever building the kind of nuclear weapons they tested last month, or ever developing an intercontinental ballistic missile of the type they launched Saturday.
The same Saturday, coincidentally, that Albright growled to an uncomfortable-looking crowd that young women are obligated to vote not with their minds but with their naughty bits - "because there's a special place in Hell for women who don't help each other!"
Which we suppose is a catchy phrase when it comes to threatening simple-minded millenial females, but one which skews too negative. Instead, Hope n' Change thinks the Hillary camp should sell the same message with a more positive tone, perhaps calling for "Affirmative Tampaxion," "Power to the Peehole," or simply referring to Mrs. Clinton as "The Vagina Demagogue."
BONUS: CANDIDATES WHO GOP STANDING UP
Saturday also saw the final GOP debate before the New Hampshire primary, and overall it was a pretty good show. Nobody flat out embarrassed themselves, although up-and-comer Marco Rubio got nailed by Chris Christie for too frequently falling back on robotically memorized talking points, which he tried to rebut using robotically memorized talking points.
Soft spoken Ben Carson again won the sash and tiara for Congeniality, and the governors onstage (Bush, Christie, and Kasich) all made fairly compelling arguments that nobody who hasn't been a governor actually knows how to do any damn thing.
Ted Cruz apologized yet again for the mixup in which his campaign team inadvertently told Iowa caucus-goers that Ben Carson (beloved founder of the music group Earth, Wind and Fire) had suddenly died, and Donald Trump announced that in dealing with terrorists he plans to do things "a lot worse than waterboarding" which, frankly, we think deserved either a followup question or, if his political aspirations go south, a new reality show.