Purple Prose

The music world was stunned yesterday when Prince, the artist formerly known as "the artist formerly known as Prince," was found dead in an elevator at age 57.  The cause of death is thought to have been Muzak poisoning.

No, no - at the time of this writing, we don't know what caused Prince's untimely death, and moreover Hope n' Change is genuinely sorry to see him go. Unlike so many celebrities and musicians these days, he was actually talented and left a lot of good music behind.

Of course, Barack Obama wasted no time whatsoever in eulogizing Prince, declaring "few artists have influenced the sound and trajectory of popular music more distinctly, or touched quite so many people with their talent." Which would have been an excellent place to stop. But noooo- Barry then had to add "a strong spirit transcends rules," which not only summarizes his policy on Executive Orders, but is also expected to be Hillary Clinton's line of defense when she finally gives testimony on her serial acts of criminal misconduct.

On a final note, as of this writing Hope n' Change cannot confirm reports that, just before dying, Prince begged Joe Biden to run for president.

BONUS: PUT IT ON MY BILL

Also in the news, it was announced that Harriet Tubman, a gun-toting former slave (gosh, that 2nd Amendment sure comes in handy sometimes, doesn't it Liberals?) and hero of the Underground Railroad, will be honored by having her portrait put on the $20 bill.

Which is fine with us, although Donald Trump made the no-holds-barred and utterly indecipherable assertion that putting Tubman on the twenty "is very rough" on Andrew Jackson and sneered that this is an act of "pure political correctness" although Harriet Tubman "is fantastic" and she should absolutely be put on our currency.

And no, we have no idea what he's talking about. although in fairness, we're pretty sure that he doesn't either.

Alarm Crock

Some news stories are so perfect that they need no comic embellishment whatsoever. And such was the case this past weekend when Barack Obama assembled a group of allegedly popular rappers (including Nicki Minaj, Busta Rhymes, J. Cole, Wale, DJ Khaled, and others we couldn't possibly pick out of a police line-up) to help with his "Brother's Keeper" initiative to encourage young black men to avoid incarceration for undocumented acts of wealth redistribution.

Unfortunately, the president had barely finished speaking when rapper Rick Ross's court-ordered ankle bracelet went off. It seems that the man selected by Mr. Obama to serve as an exemplary racial role model is required to wear the device until his trial date for aggravated assault and battery, pistol-whipping, and kidnapping. Tragically, Ross is not facing additional charges for performing rap in public - another sad reminder of the importance of quickly appointing a true conservative to the Supreme Court.

Call us old fashioned (unless you're a liberal, in which case you'll surely call us cross-burning racists) but Hope n' Change thinks the best way to discourage misogynistic, criminally anti-social behavior among black youths might not be honoring and elevating the rap artists who've made their millions by celebrating misogynistic, criminally anti-social behavior.

Rather, why not seek advice from someone like Ben Carson who came from tough inner city circumstances, rejected a path of criminality, studied hard, and not only had a successful career but also became a respected and vocal advocate for improving the lives of young black men.

It would be nice if the sound of a beeper in a "Brother's Keeper" summit meant a black man was being summoned to perform life-saving surgery rather than to report to his parole officer.

Remember kids, if you work hard, stay in school, and dress respectably...you'll never be invited to the White House.

Scaling Back Expectations

Ironically, it's been 4 years since our good friend The Magic Scale has appeared in Hope n' Change (how time flies when politics is pummeling you into short term memory loss). And we would have hoped that his optimism for the future had improved at least a little since 2012 - but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Unsurprisingly, that's how we're feeling looking at the news today.  The odds of a long-awaited, cleansing political rebirth when Barack Obama is shown the door seem increasingly unlikely (albeit not impossible). And perhaps it's just the gloom of a profoundly rainy day in North Texas (good thing we nearly killed ourselves cleaning those gutters...), but it increasingly seems that our next president will be a criminal, a socialist, a game show host, or a man who seemingly can't get along with anyone well enough to effect real change.

Meanwhile, the current president is doing his best to keep the Saudis from being pressed on their role in funding the 9/11 attackers, more Guantanamo prisoners were just released (no doubt demanding a lot of back pay from the Saudis), Putin is happily playing Mach One mumbley peg by throwing his jets closer and closer to Obama's toes, and the ever-strident Hillary Clinton just appeared with Al Sharpton to proclaim that she "ain't no ways tarred" of complaining about white privilege and the need for crackercasians to start practicing "humility." As if she's ever tried it herself.

Perhaps the return of sunnier weather tomorrow will also give Hope n' Change a sunnier mood. Failing that, tequila shots and a viewing of "Die Hard" are usually pretty effective.

That, and reminding ourselves that no matter how dismal the news appears, there's always at least one story that reminds us not to take things too seriously...

Vaudeville isn't dead - it just went to the bathroom.