Monday, January 2, 2017

2016 - The Year in Rebuke (Part One)


If we had to sum up 2016 in a single word, it would be...unprintable. Seriously, we'd be working hard to come up with the vilest, most appalling, utterly disgusting and likely illegal word in our rich, albeit genuinely filthy vocabulary - and even then we'd fail to do justice to this rotten collection of months.

Fortunately, we don't have to sum things up in a single word. We have this entire page to work with, so let's dive straight into...

JANUARY


The year hits the ground running (like an abscessed boil) when the Post Office releases a "Forever" stamp commemorating the Muslim festival Eid al-Adha, which honors the willingness of Ibrahim to slit his son's throat after being "triple dog dared" by Allah. As part of the festival, modern Muslims are still expected to sacrifice their best farm animal...assuming they have the financial ability to first buy it an orange jumpsuit and get it to pose for a Youtube video.

And speaking of people associated with Youtube videos, Hillary Clinton stays busy denying that she  ever had classified documents on her private email server. An assertion which, like everything else Hillary has ever said, turns out to be wildly untrue.


Of course, not all newsworthy events were domestic. Or even comprehensible...


John "You Rang?" Kerry comes out with the least encouraging pronouncement imaginable about the throat-cutting, suicide-bombing, allegedly non-Islamic murderers of ISIS, ISIL, Daesh, or whatever the hell other name the administration thinks likely to be unrecognized by Democratic voters.

Specifically, Kerry further downgrades our nation's goal from "destroying, degrading, or disrupting" the maniacal killers to merely "denting" them. His goal apparently being to make Hillary look like only the second worst Secretary of State ever, just in time for...

FEBRUARY


Early in the Democratic debate process, Martin O'Malley shocks everyone by announcing that he'd dropped out of the race - which was the first time anyone knew he'd been in the race.

Following Hillary Clinton's discovery in Iowa that she is less popular among young females than a yeast infection, Hillary asks herself what vivacious, high-powered celebrity superstar could help her reel in youthful female votes in New Hampsire, and she comes up with...


Oddly, threats of eternal damnation don't save Hillary from a landslide loss to Bernie Sanders, causing Hillary to break out the really big gun...


But just as things get really bleak for Hillary, the entire political landscape is changed by an unexpected death...


Beloved conservative Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia suddenly dies in bed with a pillow on his head. A local judge pronounces the death due to natural causes without seeing the body or ordering an autopsy, because Obamacare doesn't cover those things.

In the following days, Obama decides to skip Scalia's funeral owing to an absolutely unavoidable scheduling conflict involving a critical tee time...


The country will not see such a blatantly petty snub again until, well, a few days later in...

MARCH


"If I didn't attend a funeral for a sitting Supreme Court Justice," the president may well have said, "I sure as hell won't be wasting my time going to one for some first lady. There's nothing less important than a first lady!"

In his place, the president appropriately sends...the first lady.

And speaking of skipping commitments, seemingly unstoppable primary candidate Donald Trump has a few clearly expressed ideas on the subject...


But of course, there's more than just an election going on. Barack Obama is still holding the reins and shaping critical foreign policy. Which is how we ended up with...


In his never-ending quest to build a legacy, the president tries to normalize relations with the oppressive communist dictatorship of Cuba in hopes of increasing the number of investment opportunities for his wealthy donors, and decreasing the number of Cuban immigrants whose children might grow up to become conservative GOP presidential candidates.

But only days later, the world is again shocked by a brutal act of terrorism - this time in a Brussels airport. Despite his busy travel schedule, Obama immediately swings into action...


Rather than doing diddly-squat about the carnage in Brussels, Obama attends a baseball game with new BFF Raul Castro, then jets off to Argentina where he performes a pelvis-grinding tango at a state dinner to prove his masculinity to ISIS.

Which brings us to...

APRIL


To help shore up support from women who just can't seem to understand the whole complicated "birds & bees" thing, Hillary declares that "unborn persons" have no rights - making it perfectly acceptable to take viable children in the final days (or hours) of gestation and turn them into chop suey. An observation that Bernie Sanders quickly echoes, while admitting that it's put him off Chinese take-out for awhile.

But life and death issues soon take a backseat to a far more important crisis in America...

Springsteen and other (ahem) "artists" boycott North Carolina following passage of a law which segregates bathroom privileges based exclusively on an individual's God-given plumbing rather than their current (and sometimes whimsically flexible) gender self-identification.  This kicks off a firestorm of controversy around the country as liberals try to force businesses to create new bathrooms for each of the 51 sexual genders (no, really) recognized by Facebook, or at least let anyone who enjoys peeing in front of kids do so to fight discrimination.

The country becomes so embroiled in the issue that it becomes necessary for Barack Obama to remind the nation who truly suffers from discrimination in our wretched country...

The tone deaf president assembles a group of allegedly popular rappers (including Nicki Minaj, Busta Rhymes, J. Cole, Wale, DJ Khaled, and others we couldn't possibly pick out of a police line-up) to help with his "Brother's Keeper" initiative which is designed to encourage young black men to avoid incarceration for undocumented acts of wealth redistribution.

Unfortunately, during the president's remarks, rapper Rick Ross's court-ordered ankle bracelet goes off. It turns out that the man selected by Mr. Obama to serve as an exemplary racial role model is required to wear the device until his trial date for aggravated assault and battery, pistol-whipping, and kidnapping.

Were the other dignitaries at the summit nonplussed? Based on their actual pictures below, we're guessing not...


Meanwhile, as the primaries wear on, people finally start realizing that Trump might actually become the GOP nominee...


By the way, in case you don't know, the cartoon above is a tribute to "Forbidden Planet," which is the best sci-fi movie ever made. If you've never seen it, get your hands on it and watch it NOW while the rest of us move on to...

MAY


By a significant margin, Hoosiers go to the polls to declare that they find Trump to be the candidate who is outstanding in the field. And trust us, Indiana folk (like us!) love jokes about fields. But feeling distinctly un-loved, Cruz says "enough" and drops out of the race, practically guaranteeing Trump's nomination.

Assuming, of course, that he doesn't fall prey to the latest death-dealing malady inflaming the media...


In response to the dread threat hypothetically presented by mosquito-borne Zika virus, Barack Obama requests $2 billion to prevent the blood-sucking parasites coming across our southern border from wreaking destruction. The $2 billion will be used to put the young mosquitoes in good schools, settle their families in middle class neighborhoods, and give the grown mosquitoes some walking around money until they can find permanent blood-sucking jobs in government.

That is, unless someone intends to drastically reduce the number of blood-sucking jobs in government...


Donald Trump "seals the deal" when his delegate count pushes over the magic number of 1,237 with multiple states left to go to further pad his margin of victory.  The people have spoken - and they're using very short (frequently 4-letter) words as they storm into...

JUNE

Because Donald Trump's blunt candor is generating so many news stories, Barack Obama jumps back into the erudition spotlight with a devastatingly brutal dissection of contemporaneous political rhetoric and offers wise analytical advice...


Of course, there's no "okey-doke" going on in the Democratic primaries. Everything is honest, legit, and above board...


Bernie Sanders grows peevish when the Associated Press declares Hillary to be the overall winner of Democratic primaries which haven't happened yet. It's almost like a conspiracy of some sort is working against him - but that's crazy, right?

Then without warning...


Terror returns to the United States in the form of an ISIS-inspired lunatic who kills and wounds over 100 people at a Gay nightclub in Orlando, before being sent straight to Hell by a policeman's bullet.

Authorities struggle to discern the killer's motives, having nothing to go on other than his actual 911 phone call in which he swears allegiance to ISIS, and shouts"Allahu Akbar" during his death-dealing spree.

Such a vile act is obviously unacceptable to the Obama administration, and they move quickly to let future terrorists know what they'll be up against...


Frankly, all of these events are getting so overwhelming that Hope n' Change needs a little time off - so we play hooky for a week, confident that it will be a slow period for news.

We are, of course, dead wrong...


(END OF PART ONE - JOIN US WEDNESDAY TO WRAP UP THE YEAR!)

20 comments:

REM1875 said...

WTG Doc on the win !!!! Best Illustrated Satire

http://directorblue.blogspot.ca/2017/01/here-they-are-2016-fabulous-50-blog.html#more

Judi King said...

Yes, truly a year to forget and you're only half through. So glad 2016 has ended.

Rod said...

We see how you do this so well; you've been taking notes. At least 2016 was a great year for cartoonery. See'ya Wednesday.

Geoff King said...

2017 may already have a black mark on it if we cease to get a triple dose of HnC every week after the 20th.

Dick said...

This is wonderful. I'm really enjoying it and looking forward to Wednesday's installment.
Thanks Doc.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@REM1875- Hey, how cool is that? "Stilton Jarlsberg is a dead-eyed talent who will make a great pickup by one of the major sites." Wait - you mean this isn't a major site?!

@Judi King- As I took a look at some old "years in review," it seems like they've pretty much ALL stunk for the past 8 years. If only I knew why...

@Rod- It's interesting to do the prep for this annual opus and look at the way the year evolved. Or devolved. In any event, I was rarely lacking for fodder.

@Geoff King- Uh-oh. I'll be making an official announcement just as soon as I gather my official thoughts.

@Dick- Glad you're enjoying the rundown. Speaking of which, I hadn't originally intended to break this into two parts, but I've been a little rundown owing to a lingering cold and just couldn't get it all done in time. Moreover, I now think it's good for everyone to have a breather before getting to the final 6 months - it was a busy year!

Rod said...

This blog IS major. The recipe of consistently conservative razor sharp wit; following real news & historical reference; dark humor, hilarious titles, imaginative cartoons & biting comments in fine print is one-of-a-kind. Then the readers add to it.

I guess after today's NYD traditions (Parades, Games, etc) it really will be the new year. Best to everyone and hang on for an interesting run.

Sandy Link said...

The video where Noblama loses it and starts with the "okey-dokey" stuff just floors me for some reason. Is he really a blithering idiot when his talking points aren't right in front of him? How has he managed thus far? I am so happy we will have a new regime to take the helm and that 2017 is going to be the best year yet for Americans. Happy New Year, Stilton and staff.

chipmunk said...

I was afraid that being reminded of all this (ahem) crap all at once would send my blood pressure dangerously high. Fortunately, it ended up with me just laughing maniacally. I'm just wondering who are those men in the white coats ringing my doorbell?

TrickyRicky said...

All of this in 6 months. Think of the previous seven years. And think of the bullet we dodged in the person of Ma Barker. But as James Delingpole vividly points out, this is only a prelude. Do not underestimate the resolve of the totalitarian left.

http://www.breitbart.com/london/2017/01/01/2016-just-start-going-win-2017/

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Rod- Thanks for the nice words. I'm proud of this blog and the HnC community. Granted, there's always been the hope that it would go viral and get bigger, which has never happened - but I've also made no point of trying to pair myself with another site because I didn't want any interference in my creative decisions. I think it's all worked out pretty well!

@Sandy Link- I do think Obama is at a loss when he tries to speak "like folks" instead of just lecturing us. He lacks the common touch because he doesn't see himself as common and, frankly, sees most of us as less than common. I am so happy to see him leaving that I can't put it into words (though obviously I try)!

@chipmunk- I'm delighted that you've had a positive reaction to this retrospective. I think it would be more sobering for all of us if we were about to start a new political adventure with Hillary, but fortunately that's not happening. My goal has always been to make people laugh here, even when we're discussing the most serious of issues.

@TrickyRicky- I haven't read the Breitbart piece yet, but will as soon as I finish writing this. There's no question that the Left is going to be in open (as well as underhanded) revolt. Things are going to get ugly. But while our country always has challenges (and saboteurs), we now also have Hope again. That counts for a lot.

Dave from the Cheesehead Nation said...

The Trump presidency is only a reprieve. It is like being on death row and your end is delayed because the firing squad cannot agree on which caliber of cartridge to use. In two or three election cycles the "non-thinkers" will be so numerous that our votes will count for nothing. They will elect a porn star or a serial killer because it is "cool." The once latest, greatest nation on earth will be conquered by a reserve company of Honduran Postal Police because we will no longer have the moral capacity to resist. Years ago I read a book titled "The World Upside Down." Wow, way ahead of its time. Anyway, thanks for all the good reading Stilt. Hot tea with honey and/or lemon for your cold. My Grandpa Penke always said so. For 2017, Godspeed to you and your family, and all of your followers also.

John the Econ said...

Right on, Dr. J. Future generations will definitely be getting a more objective overview of 2016 from your blog than they'll be getting from the official arbiters of fact in the MSM.

BTW, I understand that Obama is going to have a press conference to outline his legacy for us. Successful Presidents let their legacies speak for themselves. But not Obama, who feels the need to explain the nuances of his successes to us ignorant plebes. Clearly, the sycophantic media hasn't been doing a good enough job, even for him.

Colby Muenster said...

Yup, folks, that about sums up the first half of 2016! Extremely well done summary, Stilton, and I'm looking forward to tomorrow's second half.

You mentioned that you would have loved for this blog to go viral. I wholeheartedly agree, but would point out that there were two things working against you. First, you put actual facts and substance into this blog; big mistake as far as viral-ability goes. Second, you picked on the wrong political party if you wanted to snag the really big numbers. But, on the bright side, I'd say the quality of your bloggers far outweighs the quantity (and I refer not to myself, but others).

The bottom line is, however, us regular visitors are more than a little concerned that our HNC party is coming to a close. But... It has been fun! If you choose to cut back, or even totally stop, understood and more power to you; and thanks for everything! If you choose to keep posting three days a week, even better! I envision eight years where we have nothing to complain about concerning our gubmint leaders (but I know better).

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Dave from the Cheesehead Nation- I greatly fear that you're right. Looking at the trend lines in this country, I just can't foresee a good future in the offing. By the way, your suggestion that voters could someday elect a porn star or serial killer, and the book "The World Upside Down" (which I plan to read) reminded me of another fun book.

"CLUMP: An American Splatire" is a brutally funny and nearly x-rated satire about the collision of entertainment, social media, and politics. Written back in 2011, it seems nearly prescient now - with a viral celebrity becoming the biggest star in the world and eventually a politician. His name is Clump (not Trump) - a muscular man with no head or awareness of the world around him, who gains fame by dancing. Unknown to his fans, he's homicidally dangerous if touched. Merriment ensues.

And thanks for the good wishes on the cold. I'm glad to say it's receding now!

@John the Econ- I genuinely hope that this blog will stand as some sort of useful contemporaneous commentary on the madness of these past 8 years when people look back.

As far as Barry's press conference to explain the nuances of his successes, I'll find it interesting. Because those successes are so nuanced that I haven't noticed even one in most of a decade.

@Colby Muenster- If you enjoyed Part One of the year in review, you should enjoy Part Two. Because I assume that in both cases you'll be drinking.

Regarding the blog going viral (which didn't happen, though my numbers and reach aren't bad), I only wanted that for two reasons: to reach more people with the political message, and for a bit of ego gratification (hey, who doesn't like an "attaboy"?)

But the path to greater popularity would have required waaaaaay more devotion to social media and self-promotion (both of which I loathe), as well as a need to make my posts more Twitter-ish (ie, short and easily digestible). But I preferred writing in the snarky editorial form and, as you point out, sticking to facts and verifiable information. Heaven help me, I actually tried to practice good journalism.

I heartily agree that the quality of the HnC readers is just exceptional. What a great community of intelligent people. Trolls and alt-right types never survived here long.

Regarding the future of HnC, I'll probably make some sort of official announcement on Friday. But as a sneak peek for those who actually read these comments, I'll say that the countdown clock on Barry's remaining time in office is pretty much the same countdown on having Busty Ross turn out the office lights here for the last time. Or at least for awhile. I'm still working out details.

I won't be disappearing, though, and I'm going to take steps to help stay in contact with folks. And I'll certainly be maintaining this site so that future generations can look upon it and ask "what in the HELL were they thinking?!"

John the Econ said...

Hope so, because we'd miss you.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- I'll still be doing Johnny Optimism, and still have a presence on Facebook (not that I'm nuts about Facebook). And odds are that I'll be jumpstarting other crazy projects once I've had a little time to seriously consider "what next?"

Pete (Detroit) said...

"tried to practice"
What, now you're a Dr AND a lawyer, representing your self? Tsk, tsk...
As John said, we'll miss you - and we'll miss US, I'm afraid - John, Emmentaller, Jim HVAC (yes, intentionally wrong) et al provided needed support, and useful insights into the world as it is, and how we would wish it to be.
On the one hand, we KNOW Trump will be comedy gold at best, and tragi-comedy gold at worst - who knows, you may want to do a 'weak-ly review' or some such...
OTOH, like the rest of us, you're 8 years older than when you started - so what ever you decide, good luck, and God Bless!

Granny said...

Noooo! We few, we valiant few need your pithy and witty take on the world.

Wahoo said...

Re: the Jarlsberg one-man band, for whom the drum rolls, it rolls for thee.