Monday, September 3, 2012

Four Years - Three Rings

Here comes the Democratic National Convention, and across our great nation millions of people are preparing for this historic event by making sure they've got plenty of movies in their Netflix queues and liquor within easy reach.

Reviewing the long list of speakers, Sandra "Your ceiling needs painting" Fluke will lecture us on taking responsibility and Nancy "Pass it to see what's in it" Pelosi will wax poetic on transparency. Elizabeth "Chief Running Gag" Warren will describe the challenges facing people who lie about being Native Americans in order to get affirmative action jobs.

Speakers from Planned Parenthood will advocate for poorly planned (and taxpayer funded) unparenthood, Harry Reid will dab a tear from his eye as he calls for an end to partisanship in politics, and John Kerry will scold the Republicans for nominating an evil rich man as Presidential candidate.

American royalty Caroline Kennedy will be carried in by litter-bearers to say we should have a society without classes, Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius will explain how Obamacare's $716 billion cut in payments to doctors and hospitals will improve health and human services, and Joe Biden will have a humorous debate with an empty chair and lose.

Jimmy Carter (via video) will speak about leadership, Chicago mayor Rahm Emmanuel will talk about his city's success in creating shovel-ready citizens, and actress Eva Longoria will take the stage to attack the Republicans for putting an actor on stage.

Michelle Obama will lead the convention delegates in singing "Happy Birthday" in honor of her pride in America turning four years old. Bill Clinton will attend to speak about women's issues ("I've got your free mammogram right here") and dry cleaning.

And of course, Barack Hussein Obama will take the stage to argue against "Change" and try to look surprised when Osama bin Laden's death photos "accidentally" appear behind him on 50-foot video screens.

It's going to be a looooooong week.

"Come one, come all! See human nature's shocking mistakes!
The world's fattest deficit, the jobless wonder, millions of pickled punks,
the "black panther" attorney general, the woman who can't get off her back,
and the amazing two-faced president! Step right this way!"

(Click picture for large-sized Hope n' Change 2012 Democratic Convention painting)


drjim said...

Yep...definitely going to be a freak show!

Dave David Schmoyer on Facebook said...

Ok well let me apologize to you all about the rant and probably misspelling and grammatical errors before I start....been awake for almost 60 hours and drunk at the moment......

Are the Democrats trying to make sure they never put another member of their party in office or are they really that stupid? Let's look at their speakers....A poor Georgetown University slut that can't afford $9 a month for birth control so she thinks that the tax payers should pay for her birth control be cause she doesn't have enough self control to stay off her back....Jimmy "I couldn't direct an RC car out of a paper bag" Carter, the only man in the country that has a right to be glad that Odumbass is in office because he is no longer the worst President in history...San Fran Nan who whines about all the divisiveness in America and blames the Tea Party for such Violent Rhetoric then supports the Occupy wastes of space while they are raping women and using drugs and getting little kids drunk....And let's not forget my personal favorite Mrs Wasserman...I'd love to bury a tomahock in that w(b)itches head because I am veritably part Cherokee My Great-Grandmother Parker was full blood Cherokee and her parents walked the Trail of Tears when the Cherokee nation was split into the Eastern and Western Bands. I have never ever attempted to use the fact that there is Native American blood in my veins as a way to get ahead in anything as a matter of fact I have never listed it on a Job app, a credit reference, a grant form, how does this piece of trash get a free pass for lying about her background? It is a source of pride for my family and I that we are descendants of the Western Band of Cherokee but no one in my family has ever attempted to claim Affirmative Action status because of it....We are also proud that we are Irish and German and we have all heard the stories about how my Grandfather Rice's parents almost disowned him for marrying a half-breed and now we have a fork-tongued scum-bag getting a free pass on claiming ancestry she doesn't have!

How can anyone take a speaker line up like this seriously when all they are putting on stage are known liars, cheats and apparently women of loose moral fiber. Not only should this convention be condemned by every thinking person in the country, but they should be laughed out of office....Of course that won't happen because the Lame Stream Media will "fact check" every statement and determine using Left-wing Liberal garbage sites that they spoke nothing but the truth....So help me Alllah....sickening and disgusting is what they are!

Anonymous said...

Thier theme song should be "Send in the Clowns.!"

Irene Peduto said...

Loved the nicknames of Sandra, Elizabeth, & Nancy - again laughed out loud - really. Stilton, this will be a veeeeerrry long week for all people who can think - "outside of the box". By the way, my cousin called a spade a spade & I told her I think that's a racist comment. Have to check on it, though.

John the Econ said...

A freak show? I can only hope so. I sincerely pray that the Democrats and their allies in the media feel free to show their true colors to all of America this week so that all who still live freely outside of the far-left's reality distortion field can witness what the Democrats share as their core values and exercise a collective retch as we head towards November.

Let Sandra Fluke explain to us why the rest of us should be forced to pay for her recreational sex. (I'd be far more willing to pay for her sterilization)

Let Nancy Pelosi lecture us on what she'd do as Speaker of the House for those who have already forgotten that she already has been.

Let Elizabeth Warren whine about how expensive college is as she continues to collect $380,000 a year for not even showing up, and proudly illustrate the complete fraud that permeates our supposedly best universities and the Democrat's idea of "Affirmative Action".

Let Harry Reid wax poetic about fiscal responsibility as the Senate goes another year without passing a budget, and whine about Romney's cloaked multi-millionaire status as he fails to explain how a humble civil-servant as himself also becomes a multi-millionaire.

Let Caroline Kennedy say whatever; Democrats today would consider her father a far-right zealot for his views on fiscal responsibility, taxation, defense and and America's standing in the International arena. (Wait, didn't she call Obama a "liar"?)

Let Kathleen Sebelius explain Obamacare.

And by all means, let Jimmy Carter remind us all why he's no longer considered America's most mediocre President!

And I just read this morning that Obama will be embracing ObamaCare. Please, please be true. 4 years ago, Obama promised that by the end of his first term, my health care would be $2500 less per year than it was then. Today, it's almost $5000 more! If I had one question for Obama, it would be "Where to I go to get my $7,500/year back?"

Alas, they're having trouble getting enough people to sign up for this freak show. Late last week, my local Democratic party was literally giving tickets away for the asking. If it weren't for the required travel, expense and time better spent working to pay for my health insurance, I might have taken them up on it. It would have been real fun and overtime work for my lapel camera showing and ID to get in, spouting leftist nonsense to people too dumb to realize that I'd actually be mocking them.

Also, I'll be expecting a far different kind of media coverage as well; far more accepting and less criticism and "fact checking". This may be their last hurrah as well as the rest of America watches their reality distortion field collapse upon itself.

Bring it all on.

Unknown said...

I have done some serious preparation for the DNC - stocked up on spare remotes, and labeled all the 'mute' buttons as 'BatS*** Crazy' buttons.

My wife is part Karankawa Indian (25% and never claimed) and is fond of saying that her ancestors would not even consider putting this bunch in the stew pot for fear of food poisoning.

I did like the descriptors for Fluke, Pelosi, and Warren and I did think it fitting that the rain washed away the better half of Obama, though I think there will be more than enough Purple People Beaters to repair and then fill the stadium, just don't try and charter a Trailways bus this week.

Unknown said...

Just an observation on Ms. Fluke - I believe that she was extensively mentioned by our DI's, fulfilling the role of 'your girlfriend', Suzie Rottencrotch. Definitely a walking talking condom ad.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@drjim- I'd agree metaphorically, except that I actually liked the genuine freak shows of my youth. Back then, the physically unusual folk inside the tents would tell you their stories, their challenges, and how they'd eventually made their lives work without handouts. The whole point of their spiels was that they were not victims - whereas the Dem speakers will not only claim to be victims, they'll try to convince us that we are too.

@Dave David Schmoyer- A small correction; you mentioned "Mrs. Wasserman" when you seemingly meant Elizabeth Warren. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz has her own failings (grin).

@Anonymous- I wonder how hard it would be to sneak that song onto the playlist...?

@Irene Peduto- If your cousin worked in the public sector, she'd definitely lose her job for such language. And as long as she needs to remember to find eupemisms for garden tools, she probably should go easy on the word "hoe," too.

@John the Econ- Wonderfully well put, right down the line. I truly can't imagine what this ragtag group of speakers will have to talk about other than outright lies about our past, present and future. And I hope that in the self-reinforcing confines of that hall, some of the speakers let loose with who they really are and what they really want - because even now, I think most Americans would find those views abhorrent.

By the way, I've also heard that the Dems are doing everything possible to get warm bodies into the convention (for instance, they've got a blanket invitation to take the first 100 people from a bar called "Manuel's," no doubt in an attempt to get some hispanic faces into the crowd shots). I've got to say that it would be worth it to get into the hall just for the chance to gift Obama with another "You lie!" moment. I think my updated shout would be "You DID lie and you're STILL lying!"

@SeaDog- You mentioned your mute buttons and it reminded me of something; I use TIVO and they once asked (online) for suggestions for new user features. I said there should be a button which would add an animation of a pie hitting the TV screen and whatever was on it - technically very doable, and the online community supported the idea. TIVO never adopted it, but what joy there would be in watching the convention (or state of the union speech) and unloading virtual pies on these poltroons.

As it is, I don't plan to watch any of the convention. I'll stay abreast of the news about it, but actually listening to these people - one after another - would be a risk to my health.

Pete(Detroit) said...

Stilton, he's not just creating shovel ready people, he's reducing poverty and unemployment!
And remember, Voter ID laws will prevent these people from voting this November, how can you POSSIBLY support such blatant discrimination against the biologically challenged?!?!? It's unDemocratic!!! Especially in Chicago!

CenTexTim said...

Stilton, I constantly marvel at the quality and wit of this blog. But this time you've outdone yourself. If this isn't the best one you've ever done, it's certainly in the Top 3. And yes, I have my movies and booze at the ready.


Emmentaler Limburger said...

We interrupt your normal Hope n Change Cartoons commentary for this important breaking news: This just in: The DNC has officially renounced the illegal abbreviation and misrepresentation of their symbol and mascot's name as "ass". From now forward, they insist it be properly drawn and referred to by its correct and complete spelling: "asshole".

We now return you to your normally-scheduled Hope n Change Cartoons commentary already inprogress...

alan markus said...

From now forward, they insist it be properly drawn and referred to by its correct and complete spelling: "asshole".

I envision the back of a donkey with the "Obama" logo where the asshole would be. If only I had Photoshop....

Sarah Rolph said...

What an enjoyable, festive holiday edition! You're such a terrific writer, Stilt, what a pleasure to read something so filled with great lines.

Just what the doctor ordered as we prepare for the poisonous parade of pious pablum.

I do intend to duck it as much as possible, using the time-honored methods referred to at the beginning of your post. Queued up: Lord Peter Wimsey (Ian Carmichael in a 1973 BBC mini-series; Netflix rules!). Will stick with the Vino Verde (lovely Portuguese white wine) as long as possible, but the Laphroig is standing by....

alan markus said...

Good week to squeeze in some convention watching - 5 days of work to do in a 4-day week; first week of school; getting the family acclimated to the school schedule (early to bed, early to get up), late suppers, after-school activities, etc. Yeah, your average family will have lots of leisure time this week to kick back and watch the convention.

Anonymous said...


Anyone with a little spare time this week and any sense to go with it would much rather spend it devising their own display of an empty chair with appropriate sign or other props, and surfing the web to admire others'. I hope this thing keeps going beyond Labor Day.

Me, I've got lots of good stuff stacked up on my TiVo.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Pete(Detroit)- HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius recently argued the cost benefits of birth control (including abortion, I'm sure) in that no further taxpayer money will be spent on the people who were prevented from being born. That's pretty darn close to the benefits of Rahm's "post-natal kinetic abortion" shootout strategy.

@CenTexTim- I've had some very positive feedback on today's commentary, and I thank everyone for it. This one was fun to do. Or at least as fun as it can be making a list of people who make you insanely angry.

@Emmentaler- I believe the full, hyphenated term is Asshole-Americans. No wait, I think it's Asshole-Anti-Americans.

@Alan Markus- My Hope n' Change wristwatch logo sported a lovely asshole inside Obama's logo. Granted, it was a horse instead of a donkey - but all those assholes look the same to me.

@Sarah Rolph- Thanks for the nice comments! I think your convention-coping strategy sounds good; you can't go wrong with Ian Carmichael and Netflix. And Laphroig? (Envious sigh) I like your style!

@Alan Markus- I find it hard to believe that this convention will have much viewership. Surely even rabid liberals don't want to listen to Harry Reid's nasal whine for 20 minutes, or see Sandra Fluke speak while her feet are in gynecological stirrups. (Urgh- I think I just threw up in my mouth a little...)

@Anonymous- I love the "empty chair" gag because it's obviously honking off the liberals. They can feel self-righteous when they're attacked, but they completely lose their equilibrium when they're mocked. Which has sort of been my purpose here for almost four years.

And though I love streaming Netflix, TiVo and Turner Classic Movies are my faithful standbys.

Colby said...

I took a grandson to Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey last year. To his delight, a bunch of elephants came in a shit on the floor. I was kinda thinking this would be a great special effect for the DNC. Let's all symbolically shit on their floor (since doing the real thing might end badly).

Emmentaler Limburger said...

@Stilton "all those assholes look the same to me"
They all look the same to you? THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME?! I can't believe you went there. I can't believe you used those racist code words. Next, you'll be saying that all those assholes golf in Chicago while passing out food stamps...

@Sarah Rolph: I, too, respect your style, though I find most Isle of Islay scotches a bit too smokey for my palate. If you want a unique flavor in your single malt scotch, Glendronach is a very nice alternative - being aged in sherry casks lends a subtle fruity note that works quite well with the peat smoke. I'd only managed to sample my way up to the blue label before the assholes in WDC drove energy costs to the point where fueling my car and heating and cooling my home consumes all the cash I have left over after paying their taxes...

Philip said...

Poll: Only 31% believe we’re better off than four years ago

Anonymous said...

Stilton--It's not just that the empty chair gag annoys the liberals. I's that they can't control it, and the public knows it. That was the whole point of Eastwood's Jimmy Stewart-Bob Newhart improv schtick, to smuggle something past the media gatekeepers to the people who needed permission to think for themselves. The weirdness was meant to get it talked about. I don't know that they foresaw the viral Labor Day chair vignettes, but it proves that the strategy was good. I hope that was only the start of the innocent, subversive fun that can be had with the point that we have a right to change administrations.

John the Econ said...

Just listening to the background noise on CNBC; some Democrat just complained that the problem with the GOP is that they are focused on people attaining "wealth". Obama is focused on the country.

Get it? If you aren't content being "poor", you're the problem.

I have little doubt that the clown who said that makes several times what I do, and hasn't a clue as to what his health insurance costs.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Colby- Speaking of elephants and circuses, a common ploy to generate publicity in each town is to advertise the fact that gardeners can come and pick up all the elephant manure they want. And I'm pretty sure that "giving away free shit" is also the main platform of the Dems.

@Emmentaler- That's the problem with code words; you don't know when you've used them!

And I'd write more, only I'm looking for a pen to write down "Glendronach"...

@Philip- I think that article might be better titled: "Poll reviews 31% of Americans clueless."

@Anonymous- You make a really good point; it wasn't so much Clint's shtick that make the "empty chair" meme go viral (although it was the catalyst) - it's the energy, excitement, and activism of a lot of people who are straining at the bit to finally toss Obama out of office. And you're additionally right that Libs and their MSM toadies are discombobulated by spontaneous public mockery because they don't have anyone to punch back at - and laughter shows that we're not afraid of them.

Bonus: the harder we laugh, the angrier they get...and the funnier it becomes!

JustaJeepGuy said...

@John the Econ, how many of those Demo_Rats who make so much money and think people should be happy being poor were born into money? Or married it? (Yes, JFK Lite, I'm pointing to YOU!!) They really have no idea what it's like to keep from being poor...

txGreg said...


This post made me recognize the liberals' new public works project: "Habitat for Hypocrisy"

Colby said...


Maybe you missed one? Will Harry Reid blather this week about the dangers of electing a (gasp!) Mormon!?

Time Warner Arena is 44.3 miles from my house (according to Google Maps), but I can still smell the stench of people with rotting brains and the thousands of attendant lemmings. I will hit the Netflix and Redbox heavily this week, and hopefully can sneak a swig or two from Mrs. Colby's Laphroig or MacAllen bottles. I suppose it would be smarter to just buy the cheapest rotgut available and go for quantity vs. quality. It would be alcohol abuse to waste good single malt on the likes of Slow Biden or Chief Running Scared Warren.

Speaking of Mrs. Colby, she said she is going to watch the circus just to see what the other side is saying. I really, really admire her intestinal fortitude and ability to not throw bricks (or pies) at the TV.

And isn't it special and fitting that the national debt is going to hit $16,000,000,000,000 today?

Chuck said...

All I know is that if there is a Zombie attack this week, I’m heading to Charlotte. Since Zombies eat brains, there is no chance they’ll head to Charlotte right now, so I can hide in the manufactured crowds. Note: outside of this week, Washington, DC is a good place to hide during a Zombie invasion.

On a related note: I’d vote for a Zombie running against Ă˜bama … at least with the Zombie, you know what you’re getting. Lefties should like Zombies, too, because the they won't be targeted by the Zombies.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@JustaJeepGuy, Colby, txGreg, and Chuck- I don't have time to respond to your individual comments just now, but greatly enjoyed them!