Friday, January 7, 2011
Robert Gibbs, the highest-ranking member of the Obama administration who can speak without a teleprompter, has announced that he's resigning his position in self-disgust and will be entering a monastery where he will take a permanent vow of silence.
No, wait - that last part was what we wish. Actually, Gibbs is quitting...but only so he can take advantage of lucrative speaking engagements and become a semi-permanent fixture on alleged news programs where he can more effectively (and less accountably) shill for Barack Obama's 2012 re-election efforts.
Besides speaking engagements, Gibbs will be a "paid political consultant" to Obama. This means that the talented orator can finally break free of his miserable, "barely scraping by" salary of $172,000 a year, and start enjoying the sort of multi-million dollar "evil rich" paychecks that, according to Gibbs when he was behind the podium, can only be gotten by stealing from widows, orphans, and minorities.
There is no official word yet on who will replace Gibbs as spokesman, but Hope n' Change has it on good authority from Whitehouse insiders that the position is going to be filled by someone with whom Obama has a long and close relationship stretching back to the Chicago days. Someone who not only shares the president's philosophies, but has experience with public speaking and is unafraid of confrontation: the Reverend Jeremiah Wright.
Remember, you read it here first.