Saturday, May 14, 2011

Ruffled Feathers

Just when it seems that the War on Terror can't grow any more brutal or frightening, word has come out that Al Qaeda has now made personal threats against Barack Obama's grandmother in Kenya in response to the alleged killing of Osama bin Laden.

Sarah Hussein Obama is being protected by 24-hour police patrols after being targeted by
Al Shabaab, which surprisingly turns out to be the name of a terrorist group and not a used car salesman.

And frankly, it doesn't really seem fair to target the woman Obama calls "Granny Sarah." After all, she lives in a small dirt-floored hut in Africa raising chickens...she isn't an actual blood relative of Barack Obama (being the third wife of Obama's paternal grandfather)...and like virtually everyone else in her family she's a devout Muslim.

Moreover, since Barack Obama doesn't seem to have the usual emotions associated with people from Earth, Al Qaeda would have a better chance of shaking him up if they ignored his distant relatives and instead targeted his top campaign donors.

Not that we want that to happen, of course.

But in the words of Jeremiah Wright, it seems unfair for an old woman who raises hens and roosters to be the target when Barack Obama's chickens come home to roost.


The "buck-buck-buck" stops here.

Friday, May 13, 2011

We Return To Our Program, Already In Progress

Readers- For more than 24 hours, the entire nationwide Blogger/Blogspot service has been broken, busted, hosed, FUBAR, and generally as screwed up and dysfunctional as Washington DC.

Which probably is completely unrelated to the Obama administration's announcement yesterday of their new "cyber policies" to control the Internet and content of the kind you're reading right now. And you should certainly feel confident that the systemic breakdown of Blogger had nothing to do with adding any new "personal monitoring" algorithms to the software. Gulp.

Anyway, for the past day I've been pulling my hair out (not that I've got any to spare) trying to post ANYTHING - a cartoon, a commentary, a word of explanation, or a message for "help" in a bottle. But nooOOooo. And currently, it looks like yesterday's cartoon and comments have disappeared. Will they be back, or are they being harshly interrogated at Guantanamo? It's too soon to know, and Obama refuses to share the photographic proof he claims to have.

Anyway, I just want readers to know that the black helicopters didn't come for me, I didn't walk away from the job, nor did George Soros offer me enough money to shut up although he should certainly keep trying. And assuming that Blogger can keep from crashing, I'll have a brand NEW cartoon up tomorrow instead of something from the vault.

So thank you for your patience and understanding, and please know - in all seriousness - that barring a true emergency I will always be here for you...because it genuinely means so much that you're all here for me. -Stilt


Thursday, May 12, 2011

See Worthy

Osama bin Laden's son Omar bin Laden is now threatening to sue the United States for the "criminal" killing of his father, as well as the humiliation his family has suffered from the alleged burial at sea.

"My children will be unable to eat fishsticks, wondering if they are their grandfather's fingers," the berieved bin Laden wept, before adding angrily "And trips to SeaWorld?! RUINED!"

Okay, he didn't say those things...but we think the things he is saying are just as stupid. For one thing, while he's complaining about his father's funeral, he's also complaining that the U.S. has offered no proof that Osama is actually dead. Although reports of shark puke on the surface of the North Arabian Sea are considered compelling evidence in many quarters.

Meanwhile, Barack Obama continues to keep a tight grip on to his "death photo" of Osama... but is showing it off to a select few in Washington in much the same way a schoolboy might show his friends the porn magazine he keeps hidden under his mattress.

And adding a final surreal note to these post-Osama days, U.S. intelligence agencies would very much like access to Osama bin Laden's 3 wives who lived with him in Pakistan...but, if given that access, they're unsure how to make them talk.

Hope n' Change would like to humbly suggest that the wives simply be made co-hostesses on "The View." After a week, we'll be begging them to shut up again.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Gator Aid

Barack "Words That Heal" Obama traveled to the Mexican border yesterday to give a fiery fundraising speech about immigration reform in which he claimed that Republicans won't be satisfied until a moat is built and filled with alligators.

Which is a pretty odd insult coming from a guy who just spent the last week bragging about personally feeding an old man to the fishes.

Mr. Obama claims that the Republicans should be ready to engage in "comprehensive immigration reform" (meaning amnesty and piƱatas filled with voter registration cards) now that he's made our southern border 100% airtight.

Except for, oh yeah, the 85% of the border which the General Accounting Office says isn't airtight.

In yesterday's diatribe, Barack Obama also asserted that the border fence between the United States and Mexico is "basically complete." And astonishingly enough, he was telling the truth. Not because the fence has been finished...nooOOoooo. But rather, work on the fence has been "completed" because his administration defunded its construction after only a small amount of it had been built.

In his speech, the president spent so much time lambasting evil Republicans that he forgot to mention any actual legislation or action he intends to take to speed the "path to citizenship" for those who have broken our immigration laws and continue to cost taxpayers hundreds of billions of dollars.

Which means that while he's accusing Republicans of pandering to alligators... the Panderer-in-Chief continues to offer soundbites which are a croc.


And on an unrelated note...

Tomorrow is the last day you can order your limited edition "Hope n' Change" wristwatch at the crazy low price of $5.99 with free shipping (see the link in the left sidebar). Not only is this handsome watch guaranteed to give you the correct time at least twice a day, it will also guarantee honked-off liberals wherever you proudly display it. And consider the gifting possibilities: conservatives will think it's hilarious and liberals will get all pissy and petulant...and that's always worth $5.99!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

But Wait! There's Moore!

Alleged filmmaker and human landfill Michael Moore has taken to the airwaves to scold America for it's handling of the "execution" of Osama bin Laden, and what he views as an unseemly display of enthusiasm afterwards.

According to Moore, "A lot of people say what would Jesus do? I don't think Jesus would go down to Ground Zero like a lot of people did on Saturday night with champagne and pop corks and have a party." And Moore knows what he's talking about, because he's never seen in public without his WWJHFD bracelet ("What Would Jesus Have For Dessert?").

Moore strongly believes that rather than kinetically ventilating Osama bin Laden, we should have escorted him to a helicopter along with his dialysis machines, VCR, and maybe a wife or two to eventually stand trial in New York... and he also declares that
New Yorkers are "wusses" for fearing such a move could provoke another devastating terrorist attack.

Which, apparently, is what he thinks Jesus would say to the thousands of people who lost friends and family on 9/11.

Before ordering another piece of pie.


Monday, May 9, 2011

Oh Some've Been Waitin'

As Barack Obama (wearing helmet, shoulder pads, and protective cup) continues to tell everyone who'll listen that he's not the type to "spike the football," other stories are starting to creep timidly back into the news. Like the announcement that the unemployment rate (wait for it...) unexpectedly rose again last month to 9%.

It's something of a good news/bad news situation...because the economy actually added a fairly robust 244,000 jobs in the month, including several which did not involve flipping burgers at McDonald's.

But the unemployment rate went up anyway, because more people who had given up all hope
for the past two years decided to return to the job market for one more try. Those people come from the actual ranks of the unemployed and underemployed, which is currently 15.9%... a far higher and vastly truer number than the one the Obama administration likes to use.

Unfortunately, the lingering threats of Obamacare, looming inflation, and refusal to get serious about the debt are still keeping many potential employers from hiring.

And although the president claims to have a plan to make job conditions better, he steadfastly refuses to show proof. Perhaps he's afraid that it would upset the Muslims.


Longterm unemployment and daytime TV: a fate worse than debt.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

HnC Vault: Unacceptable Torture

Originally published August 31, 2009

Attorney General Eric Holder has appointed a special prosecutor to track down and prosecute CIA operatives and employees who used "enhanced interrogation techniques" to extract life-saving information from terror suspects. These techniques included waterboarding, spoken threats, and forcing prisoners to listen repeatedly to Barney's "I Love You" song.

Holder's investigation is expected to demoralize the CIA, cripple America's intelligence-gathering abilities, and empower terrorists. Even worse, a certain dinosaur is going to "pout like it's a rainy-wainy day."

Update May 7, 2011

There's no mystery about why this cartoon was pulled from the vault (even if there's some mystery about why my artwork for Eric Holder looks more like Tony Orlando). The cruel "torture" of pouring water up terrorists' snoots is now known to have given us the critical information that we needed to track down and exterminate Osama bin Laden.

Which you would think everyone would agree is a good thing. But Eric Holder is still conducting investigations in hopes of bringing criminal charges against the CIA operatives who used legally-approved "enhanced interrogation techniques."

But surely Barack "Oh yeah, I shot bin Laden" Obama will now put the brakes on Holder's persecution of these heroes, right? Right...?

Apparently not. While doing a football-spiking "meet and greet" with 9/11 families in New York, Barack Obama was asked by Deborah Burlingame, the sister of the pilot whose jet was crashed into the Pentagon, if he would speak to Holder to at least express the opinion that the CIA agents should no longer be pursued like criminals. Obama's answer? "No, I won't" which point he turned from Ms. Burlingame and walked away.

The fact that Obama and Holder are still so clearly against the people who brought Osama bin Laden to justice does nothing to erase the growing rumors that the operation was essentially carried out against Barack Obama's will.

Or that even a certain purple dinosaur would consider this president to be an insufferable wimp.