Friday, October 7, 2011

Viva La Revolting

Click cartoon for giant extra-readable size

Proving that he still has the ability to inspire the idealistic among us, Barack Obama's increasingly shrill anti-capitalist tirades have launched a grassroots movement (funded with George Soros' grassroots dollars) called "Occupy Wall Street," in which young, affluent, overwhelmingly white, unbelievably self-absorbed kids are marching in streets, sleeping in parks, putting on zombie makeup, weeping hysterically, and trying to get laid.

But why? Okay, the whole "get laid" thing is about hormones, and ugly people know they stand a better chance at rallies where people get intoxicated and the lighting is really bad.

But why politically are these spoiled kids suddenly chirping up about socialism, communism, the end of property rights, and joining forces with unions and And the answer is because they have demands that are even more stupid than the ones in the cartoon above. Here's what they really and truly want, with our comments interspersed

Demand one: Restoration of the living wage. This demand can only be met by ending "Freetrade" by re-imposing trade tariffs on all imported goods entering the American market to level the playing field for domestic family farming and domestic manufacturing as most nations that are dumping cheap products onto the American market have radical wage and environmental regulation advantages. Another policy that must be instituted is raise the minimum wage to twenty dollars an hr.

Translated: End free trade, start a trade war with China, send prices of all goods skyrocketing. To compensate, demand that all employers triple the wages of numbnuts doing entry level jobs (instead of actually making a profit)

Demand two: Institute a universal single payer healthcare system. To do this all private insurers must be banned from the healthcare market as their only effect on the health of patients is to take money away from doctors, nurses and hospitals preventing them from doing their jobs and hand that money to wall st. investors

Translated: Medicine should be run by the same people who've made the post office and department of motor vehicles such a perfect system. Private insurance should be eliminated, because the government will do a much better job...except with their own "long term care" insurance plan (part of Obamacare) that just quietly closed its doors because it was proved that the math showing its sustainability was from Mars.

Demand three: Guaranteed living wage income regardless of employment.

Translated: Why should a cardiac surgeon make more than a burger flipper? They're both in the heart attack business!

Demand four: Free college education.

Translated: Why should I have to be paying tuition for classes I skip anyway? That sucks!

Demand five: Begin a fast track process to bring the fossil fuel economy to an end while at the same bringing the alternative energy economy up to energy demand.

Translated: We want giant windmills everywhere, except places where there are birds or nice scenery and stuff. Also, we want the windmills to be free.

Demand six: One trillion dollars in infrastructure (Water, Sewer, Rail, Roads and Bridges and Electrical Grid) spending now.

Translated: Just because nothing happened last time doesn't mean nothing will happen this time. And by the way, find someone to cough up that trillion NOW, because we don't want to pay it when we grow up.

Demand seven: One trillion dollars in ecological restoration planting forests, reestablishing wetlands and the natural flow of river systems and decommissioning of all of America's nuclear power plants.

Translated: Okay, take "nuclear" and "hydropower" out of that list of alternative energy sources. That still leaves sun, wind, and unicorns. And we like saying "trillion" because it's a round number.

Demand eight: Racial and gender equal rights amendment.

Translated: We have no idea what's already in the Constitution and its amendments because we've never read it.

Demand nine: Open borders migration. anyone can travel anywhere to work and live.

Translated: WE sure as hell don't want to do menial labor, but we're not opposed to Mexicans doing it for us...even if it does mean that Al Qaeda can ALSO "travel anywhere to work."

Demand ten: Bring American elections up to international standards of a paper ballot precinct counted and recounted in front of an independent and party observers system.

Translated: we're still having trouble rigging the electronic ballot boxes

Demand eleven: Immediate across the board debt forgiveness for all. Debt forgiveness of sovereign debt, commercial loans, home mortgages, home equity loans, credit card debt, student loans and personal loans now! All debt must be stricken from the "Books." World Bank Loans to all Nations, Bank to Bank Debt and all Bonds and Margin Call Debt in the stock market including all Derivatives or Credit Default Swaps, all 65 trillion dollars of them must also be stricken from the "Books." And I don't mean debt that is in default, I mean all debt on the entire planet period.

We don't want anyone to lend money to anyone else ever again. We want to go to a "cash only" economy, which will work just fine because all the good stuff will be free.

Demand twelve: Outlaw all credit reporting agencies.

Translated: Okay, so I don't know how to balance a checkbook. That's not, like, a CRIME - right?!

Demand thirteen: Allow all workers to sign a ballot at any time during a union organizing campaign or at any time that represents their yeah or nay to having a union represent them in collective bargaining or to form a union.

Translated: Thinking is waaaaaaay too hard for drones. That's something that, like, the foreman should do. Besides, that way we won't get beaten up if we vote the wrong way.

CONCLUSION: These demands will create so many jobs it will be completely impossible to fill them without an open borders policy.

Translated: We'll need more Mexicans to harvest the dollar bills off the money trees, which is the only way our Brave New Socialist World of Hope And Change will work.

Maybe we'll let you run the economy AFTER you've
figured out that things are backwards in a mirror.


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Loss of Jobs

Yesterday was a great day for the Obama administration, liberals, and the unwashed radicals who are "occupying" city streets to call for the overthrow of capitalism. Because Apple founder Steve Jobs died - and if we are to believe Barack Obama's rhetoric, that must be a good thing.

After all, Jobs had accrued a fortune worth billions...meaning he must have stolen that money from the working class proletariat. He was surely not paying his "fair share" in taxes (after all, according to the president, no millionaire or billionaire is). And he was famous (or infamous) for leading in a personal way, not governing by committee, and insisting on excellence - all of which are anathema to the Left.

So the world in general, and Obama's America in particular, will be better off without him - right?

Of course not.

Steve Jobs earned his money by developing products that hadn't previously existed. He didn't steal market share from others...he created it by making innovative products for which there was new demand. And in the course of making a profit, he created more jobs (both domestically and overseas) than Obama could ever dream of.

And while amassing his evil, money-hoarding fortune he also revolutionized computing, telecommunications, and the entertainment business. He empowered innumerable people to accomplish things which would have otherwise been impossible.

In the next few days, Steve Jobs will be widely eulogized...but Hope n' Change doesn't think that the loss of this one man, however great, is the real tragedy. Rather, it is that this nation has changed so radically that inventors, innovators, and job creators like Steve Jobs are now reviled and attacked rather than celebrated.

Which is something that the Obama-inspired "Occupy Wall Street" protestors might want to think about...when they're not listening to their iPods.


Oh boy! There's a new Arrogant Socialist app!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Facts & Spurious

It's looking more and more likely that Eric Holder will finally get one of the big "show trials" he's been pushing for since joining the Obama administration. Unfortunately, the trial will be to establish whether or not the Attorney General committed perjury when he blatantly lied to Congress about his knowledge of the gunrunning operation "Fast & Furious."

"Fast & Furious" was a secret program designed by our government to put guns into the hands of Mexican drug cartel members. Theoretically, this was to find out what the gun-smuggling channels were...although this is so mind-bogglingly stupid that a broadly held opinion is that the program was actually intended to give guns to violent Mexican criminals so that our government could pretend to "discover" the weapons had been purchased in our country...after which legal domestic gun sales could be curtailed (essentially voiding the Second Amendment).

Of course, the whole plan fell to pieces...except for the part where the guns got into the hands of bloodthirsty criminals, and people started being killed - including two American Border Patrol agents. In fact, dozens or even hundreds of people may have been killed with the guns...the number will never be known because when Mexican police tried to trace the serial numbers, American authorities went into butt-covering mode and said that the numbers were untraceable.

On May 3, 2011, Eric Holder told Congress that he "probably heard about Fast and Furious for the first time over the last few weeks." Only we now know that he'd been fully informed almost a year earlier.

Holder's office has since pointed out that he did say "probably," and may have had his fingers crossed. They additionally clarified that Holder knew about Fast & Furious, but he meant that he didn't know details. And moreover, "You can take it as a finger-waggling fact that he did not have sexual relations with any gunrunning murderers!"

The Whitehouse has offered no logical explanation for Holder's weasel-worded excuses, but has started screaming and swearing at reporters who dare to ask about the story...apparently believing that "the best defense is an offensive offense."

Frankly, in these tense and contentious times, Hope n' Change thinks that a long, drawn out perjury trial for Eric Holder should be avoided, as there are faster and more reliable ways of getting to the truth.

Which is why he should be waterboarded as soon as possible.


Fortunately, Guantanamo Bay still has empty prison cells
for people who've aided in the deaths of uniformed Americans.

Monday, October 3, 2011

No Hard Feelings

While the kinetic rearrangement of Al-Qaeda cleric (and Fort Hood instigator) Anwar al-Awlaki is hardly breaking news, Hope n' Change Cartoons doesn't want to pass up one of the very rare occasions when we can say something nice about Barack Hussein Obama. Nice, in this case, being that he didn't prevent the CIA from turning this asshole into a smoking grease spot.

There is debate in some quarters (hello, Ron Paul!) about whether our government had the legal or moral authority to blow the living crap out of a U.S. citizen like al-Awlaki. But in Mr. Obama's words, al-Awlaki "took the lead in planning and directing efforts to murder innocent Americans," which seems to us to trump the need to capture him alive, or take up Eric Holder's valuable time arranging hotel accomodations and theater tickets in New York for a show trial.

Besides, the Constitution calls for a "speedy trial," and it's hard to imagine anything speedier than a Hellfire missile coming through your window.

Amusingly, a second American traitor - North Carolina born Samir Khan - was also killed by the drone strike. Khan was an important Internet presence, radical blogger, and editor of Al-Qaeda's magazine "Inspire."

Which, owing to the increasing number of deadly drone strikes, will now be called "Perspire."