Friday, October 28, 2011

If We Build It, He Will Come

One of Barack Obama's first acts as president was to tour the world telling anyone who would listen (and could provide a stage with Greek columns) that America
sucks because of all the things it had done in the past.

But now, an older and more experienced Barack Obama has changed his tune and says that America sucks because we're
incapable of doing things we did in the past.

Specifically, after recently criticizing Americans for being "soft," the president upped the ante while speaking to a group of liberal 1-percenters (at $5000 a seat) in San Francisco - where he declared that "We've lost our ambition, our imagination, and our willingness to do the things that built the Golden Gate Bridge and Hoover Dam and unleashed all the potential in this country."

And he makes a great point. Who can forget all of the ambitious, imaginative, and willing construction workers who finished those big projects then channeled their newly unleashed potential into freelancing and leaving flyers on doors offering to build
other Golden Gate Bridges and Hoover Dams? And sadly, today's goldbricking history-deprived Americans barely remember that only a few generations ago, Hoover Dams were as common as Starbucks.

But is it really a failure of the American people and American spirit that we can no longer build anything great...or does the failure rest elsewhere?

Hope n' Change would like to suggest that the answer is, as the president likes to say, simply a matter of math.

The cost of the Golden Gate Bridge was $35 million and it's still standing. The cost of the Hoover Dam was $49 million and
it's still standing. But the cost to taxpayers for government support of Solyndra was $535 million...and after little more than a year, it's gone forever.

Perhaps if Mr. Obama wasn't quite so keen on building The Great National Debt, the
rest of us could finally start thinking about building The Great Anything Else.

Dream big, America.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Screen Test

Although Barack Obama is the one currently soliciting campaign donations from the Evil Top 1% in Hollywood, it's Janet Napolitano who is getting a "screen test" - and it's not looking good for her.

Specifically, a new classified study of the TSA's methods of screening and security methods is so scathingly bad that Republican Representative John L. Mica told reporters "the failure rate for body scanning equipment would knock your socks off."

Okay, maybe the new
technology isn't perfect - but a good old-fashioned "hands-on" pat down is still effective, right?

According to Mica, who originally helped
create the TSA, the failure rate for pat downs is "off the charts" and the TSA's performance report would read "sort of like the record of the Marx Brothers."

Okay, technology
and hands-on methods are currently failing. But that still leaves Napolitano's greatest weapon in the war on terror: our brains! Because TSA agents are now being trained in the quasi-science of "behavior detection" and interview techniques like those used by the Israelis. And that program is going great!

Actually, we were totally lying about the "great" part - but we would have easily fooled the TSA interviewers, whose handling of the new methods is described by Mica as
"an idiotic mess."

All of which is a bit disconcerting considering that the government has warned us of greater terror threats following the death of Osama bin Laden. And
still greater threats after the death of Anwar al-Awlaki. And then greater greater greater threats after Muammar Gaddafi's recent bloody mangling.

But what could
possibly be done to improve the screening methods? According to Rep. Mica, the whole program should be turned over to private enterprise which could do the job better, and for less money. Currently, the positions are filled by federal workers because, in Mica's words, "TSA cooked the books" to hide the fact that the private sector agents would cost taxpayers less.

All of which makes us think that the first major step in establishing true security for our country should be to throw out the full-body scanners, throw out the pat downs, throw out the stupid interview questions...and replace them all with a really topnotch
Bullshit Detector.

And we'd also like to suggest that Janet Napolitano get the honor of being the first one forced to walk through it...just to make sure the flashing lights and clanging bells are working properly.

Bonus: We mentioned above that Obama is fundraising in Hollywood. As part of that trip, he stopped by the famous "Roscoe's Chicken" in L.A. to shake a few hands. Which gave us a creepy feeling of deja vu...but where had we seen this before?!

Then it came to us (as it should to any fans of the wonderful show "Breaking Bad"). It's a separated-at-birth likeness of murderous drug-kingpin Gus Fring shaking hands at his chicken restaurant, Los Pollos Hermanos. Which we now think should be called "Los Pollos Obamos," because these two could definitely be brothers.

-----"It's not class warfare - it's math!"----------------"It's not finger lickin' good - it's meth!"

Monday, October 24, 2011

I Came, I Saw, Iran

Last week, while (not coincidentally) still smelling of manly musk from Muammar Gaddafi's death, Barack Hussein Obama announced that he's withdrawing all of the remaining troops from Iraq by year's end.

It's clearly a tremendous victory. Unfortunately, many observers believe it's a tremendous victory for Iran, which has actively been working against U.S. efforts in Iraq.

Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, whose name is at least as annoying to spell as the late Muammar Gaddafi's, is looking forward to taking de facto control over Iraq immediately following Mr. Obama's "kinetic holiday homecoming," and is apparently unworried that this additional responsibility might stretch his managerial reach too thin, what with also shooting protesters,
creating nuclear weapons and preparing to wipe Israel off the map.

The secret to his impressive time management skills? No golfing!

Of course, after losing so much blood and treasure in Iraq, the United States certainly isn't going to just walk away and leave the country to be gobbled up by Iran. That's why, despite the fact that Ahmadinejad has never even remotely been impressed by a threat from the U.S., we expect him to be held in another threat.

Hillary Clinton, who has finally stopped giggling and cackling over Gaddafi's corpse ("I think I wet myself!"), frowned into a camera yesterday and said that Iran would be "badly miscalculating" if they take advantage of the situation. OOoooooh!

Unfortunately, it seems unlikely that her threats can keep Iran from entering Iraq if her previous threats couldn't keep her husband from entering interns.

And it also seems unlikely that Obama's not-so-strategic withdrawal will be judged by History to be anything other than a declaration and embrace of American decline in the sad era of Hope and Change.


On the plus side, Iraq will be getting new construction jobs sooner than we will.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

News Watch

Sunday is laundry day. And when you have as much dirty laundry as Barack Obama, that means you not only need effective whitewashing, but also a vigorous spin cycle.

And so it is that the president, his staff, and his media lapdogs are all busily trying to erase our memories of what actually occurred in Libya over the past months, and replace it with a "new and improved" truth which is, well, not the truth at all.

Which is why Hope n' Change presents the following chronological retrospective of "Obama's War" in Libya, with links to contemporaneous stories and our past cartoons.

Lest we forget...

2008 - Claiming their mission is to shore up America's failing economy, the Federal Reserve secretly loans massive amounts of money to a Libyan bank owned by one of our stalwart allies: Muammar Gaddafi.

August 14, 2009 - The Whitehouse secretly sends a special top-level delegation to Libya to meet with Muammar Gaddafi to discuss what a great guy he is, and to celebrate our marvelous friendship. Representing the president are John McCain, Joe Lieberman, Susan Collins, and Senate Armed Services Committee Staffer Richard Fontaine. At the meeting, John McCain promises to help Gaddafi get military aid from the U.S. because he is such a great ally against terror .

Gaddafi, who commonly heaped praise on Barack Obama, "made a point of expressing his satisfaction with the improved U.S. relationship and his hope that the relationship would continue to flourish."

Sept 7, 2009
- The Lockerbie bomber, who killed 270 innocent people when he blew up Pan Am flight 103, is returned to Libya and receives a hero's welcome from Muammar Gaddafi. Obama publicly criticizes England's decision to release the bomber, and then is scolded by the British because he knew all about the deal before it happened and had no objections to it.

February, 2011 - Libyan rebels begin a credible movement to throw out Gaddafi. Barack Obama is already stinging from criticism of his unwillingness to lend aid (or even encouragement) to previous such rebellions in Iran and Egypt. But he shows disinterest in Libya's increasing bloodshed and explains that he "does not like to meddle."

March 2, 2011 - As Libyan rebels are increasingly decimated by Muammar Gaddafi, Barack Obama refuses to condemn the dictator in public, but speaks to him via phone.

Obama's "go to" arbiters of right and wrong, the U.N., having recently put Libya on their Human Rights Council, decide to temporarily postpone a report which praises Libya's dedication to human rights.

March 7, 2011 - Alarmed by the slaughter in Libya, England contemplates establishing a "no fly zone" over the embattled country. Meanwhile Barack Obama goes golfing for the 60th time since being elected.

March 18, 2011 - With Libya's rebels all but defeated, Barack Obama sees that his reluctance to become involved (yet again) is going to become a political liability. He therefore says that the U.S. will join NATO in stabilizing things and providing humanitarian aid to Libya, and our involvement will be "days, not weeks."
Obama says the U.S. mission is limited to creating a "no fly" zone. That's it. period.

March 21, 2011 - Barack Obama surprisingly authorizes a humanitarian cruise-missile attack on Libya, but won't answer questions about it because he's got a really, really important trip to sun-drenched Rio de Janeiro to meet with schoolkids and talk about soccer. Navy Admiral Mullen makes clear that the United States' mission is "not about seeing Gaddafi go."

March 22, 2011- Arab States in Obama's "international coalition" protest the president's unexpected use of cruise missiles, saying that they'd joined the coalition only after being told the mission would consist only of jamming Libya's radar.

March 24, 2011 - After having forced NATO to back up his cruise missile attack on Libya, Obama suddenly pulls back U.S. involvement, leaving Germany, France, and England asking "what the hell are we doing here?!" Meanwhile, our Secretary of Defense says that things are confusing because "we've never done something like this kind of on-the-fly before."

March 26, 2011 - Accused of starting a war without consulting Congress, Barack Obama denies that there is a war, and asserts that sending cruise missiles into another country is simply "kinetic military action" which needs no more authorization than sending a Hallmark birthday card.

March 27, 2011 - Disconcertingly, it is revealed that the rebel group in Libya that Obama is supporting with our cruise missiles contains members of Al Qaeda.

March 30, 2011 - Barack Obama continues delivering kinetic humanitarian aid to Libya. Defense Secretary Robert Gates confirms that the US has "no vital interest" there.

April 26, 2011 - With oil-rich Libya thoroughly destabilized and unrest in the Mid-East reaching panic levels, the cost of gasoline skyrockets. Barack Obama explains the resulting price increases are due solely to greedy American oil companies and speculators.

May 2, 2011 - A Whitehouse spokesperson says Obama's dumbfounding lack of direction and failure to define our military objectives in Libya are really a new phenomenon called "leading from behind." Which means exactly the same thing as "covering your ass."

May 7, 2011 - After a Libyan school for children with Down syndrome is blown to smithereens, a Whitehouse spokesman says reporters should ask NATO what's going on, as the president has no idea.

May 23, 2011 - Congress, tired of getting no answers from Obama, demands that he explain himself under the provisions of the War Powers Act. Obama tells them to piss up a rope, claiming there is no war in Libya.

June 16, 2011 - Congress, still waiting for an explanation, is told by Obama's legal team that he doesn't have to answer to the War Powers Act because it's not war if the enemy is "unable to exchange meaningful fire with our forces." By which token, the attack on Pearl Harbor apparently wasn't war either.

July 4, 2011 - Barack Obama claims that U.S. involvement in Libya is now limited exclusively to providing intelligence, surveillance, and refuelling missions.

August, September, October - The American news media and Obama administration decide that the Libyan non-war that we're not involved in is no longer of any particular interest and stops speaking about it altogether, deciding that it's entirely NATO's headache. Instead, Obama furrows his brow and tells Republicans that "it's time to eat our peas" and raise the debt ceiling astronomically again. This kicks off Obama's big Class War initiative, which his legal team explains is not war because those being attacked "are unable to exchange meaningful fire."

October 20, 2011 - An outcast Muammar Gaddafi is captured by Libyan troops on the ground, brutally beaten, shot multiple times, driven around on the hood of a car as a trophy, then dumped in a walk-in freezer so Libyans can enjoy the sight of his bloody, mangled corpse (which, disturbingly, gives Hillary Clinton the giggles.)

Back in Washington, Barack Obama - the man who wouldn't talk about Libya - struts to a podium in the Whitehouse Rose Garden, elbows Nato and the Libyan rebels aside, and announces that Gaddafi's death vindicates his strategy and shows the strength of American leadership.

Mainstream media cheers Obama's extreme manliness and opines that his "foreign policy strength" should make his re-election a shoo-in.

Historic meeting between an evil, lying dictator...and Gaddafi.