Friday, September 28, 2012

Master Debater

Having already visited every television show which caters to those with fewer IQ points than the president's approval rating (currently 50), Barack Obama has declared a break from avoiding world leaders and journalists so that he can practice his debating skills prior to his first head-to-head clash with Mitt Romney on October 3rd.

Initial reports incidate that John "Swiftboat" Kerry will play the role of Romney in the trial runs, so that Obama can sharpen up his attacks on tall, rich, white men. Other rhetorial weapons in the Master Debater's handbook (so to speak) will be phrases like "Bush did it," "I inherited," "GOP resistance," "Created or saved," and "...took longer than I thought." In other words, he's going to lie like a prayer rug.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney is preparing for the debate too - declaring that his strategy will be to "fact check" the president live and on-air and point it out when Mr. Obama says "things that aren't accurate." Hope n' Change is really, really hoping that this will involve the use of a compressed-air boat horn and a marching bass drum with Obama's face on one side and the word LIAR on the other.

But why should Mitt have all the fun of catching Barry in awkward moments and demonstrable untruths? No, every Hope n' Change reader should be just as ready and well-armed, which is why we're giving all of you a free copy of our ebook, "Obama Sutra - An Illustrated Guide to 57 States of Ecstasy!"

Not only will you find the president engaged in 57 back-straining "passion positions" with names like "Leading from Behind," "Stimulus Package," "Green Job," "Fast and Furious," and "If You Like It, You Can Keep It," you'll also read the actual facts behind the 57 scandals, screw-ups, and betrayals which inspired the book. Enough material to bury any liberal's arguments while laughing your keester off!

"Obama Sutra" is not x-rated, but it's a pretty strong PG-13 or so (you can see samples here). The ebook is formatted for the Amazon kindle, but can be read on virtually ANY computer, smartphone, or tablet as long as you grab one of these FREE kindle reading apps first.

The ebook is free Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday (and make sure the price DOES say free on Amazon before downloading). Note that the paperback version isn't free, but may be the most beautiful souvenir you could ever want of Obama's first and hopefully only term.

So grab the ebook, and start your debate preparation so you'll be ready to smack down any liberals who dare lift their strident, whiney voices in your presence. And please - SPREAD THE WORD to your friends who need a fun, factual, and briefly FREE introduction to the Bamster's many failings!

Yes, it's a real book. Yes, it's free. 
Yes, you should get it right now and then tell everyone you know on Facebook.


Colby said...

I heard that Jon Lovitz's liar character from SNL is going to stand in for Barry-O for Mitt's practice. "Yeah... that's the ticket! I invented... um... ping pong. Yeah, ping pong..."


Great post today as usual! I heard that turd Bob Shiffer is the moderator for the first "debate." Mitt will be trying to bring out the truth fighting two people at once. How come we never see moderators like Brett Baier or Shepard Smith?

Coon Tasty said...

"Lie like a prayer rug." - One of your best, SJ!

Susanna said...

Yay, thanks for the free download! I was hoping I'd get to read it :D

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

Obama could kill and eat a baby on live TV and the MSM would declare him the debate winner. Frankly, I don't see much point watching them as they cannot change my vote. They may have some entertainment value, but I have to get past my urge to hurl every time that jug-eared sh*t stain opens his lying mouth. Turdboy just hasn't got a clue how motivated we are to throw him under his own big, black bus. We count the days.

Unknown said...

AHD: Amen to that. I hope the Romney campaign can come up with a parallel phrase that Reagan did debating Jimmy Carter "Well - there you go again...", a simple phrase, but worthy of William F Buckley's most scathing sarcasm - reduces what ever point the opponent made to drivel. Personally, all the debate moderators are left slanted kool-aid drinkers so my hopes aren't high - Obama will get the "What kind of tree would you want to be?", and Romney would get "Define the universe and provide 3 working examples.". My vote is made up and will early vote as soon as the polls are open, but I'll watch just for entertainment value, providing, like you, I don't either hurl or put a .45 ACP through the tube.

Irene Peduto said...

First - I posted the book offer on my FB page - but many people are angry with me these days. Politics, you know? I think it's an awesome satire.
Just hoping Romney has the data in his head but will still be at a disadvantage. I'm thinking O will be given the questions in advance - I've seen many examples of that in Hudson County, NJ.
@ Coon Tasty I did "Lie like a prayer rug" comment, also.

John the Econ said...

...already visited every television show which caters to those with fewer IQ points than the president's approval rating...

I dunno. Has he been here?

And I don't really know how effective practicing against John Kerry will actually be for Obama. Yeah, he's tall, rich, and white. But he's missing one critical element that distinguishes Romney from Kerry and Obama: Romney actually worked for and earned his money.

What Romney needs to do is get Obama mad. When Obama is both mad and off-teleprompter, he says crazy things.

Anonymous said...

Stilt, this is one of your best! Keep 'em coming, buddy. Also loved the Obama Sutra, BTW.

CenTexTim said...

"Master Debater's handbook " ... groan

@John the Econ: "What Romney needs to do is get Obama mad. When Obama is both mad and off-teleprompter, he says crazy things."

Amen, brother.

One way to get barry mad might be to, as suggested, counter his lies with the facts. I know that tends to make the liberals I know apoplectic.

But AHD is right. The results of the debates are already foretold, at least according to the MSM. I don't know if I'll watch them or not, but if I do, I have several old CRT-style TVs out in the garage. It might be therapeutic to throw a brick through the screen every time barry says something that pisses me off.

Except I'd run out of TVs in the first 5 minutes...

Pete(Detroit) said...

One way to help us survive the "Master Debater Oratory Experience" is to turn it into a drinking game. Every time he uses one of those phrases, take a shot.
Sure, you'll be unconscious in 20 min, but you'll feel good about it. And it will be cheaper than buying ammo...

Pete(Detroit) said...

In addition to the excellent phrase of lying like a prayer rug, might I also suggest spinning like a wind turbine?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Colby- Re: Jon Lovitz "And I used to date a stripper named Solyndra. She actually put dollar bills in MY underpants."

Regarding the debates, I don't believe ANY of them are going to be moderated by folks inclined to give Mitt a fair break.

@Coon Tasty- Oh fine, call attention to the one line that'll get a fatwa issued on me by the DOJ.

@Susanna- Enjoy the book and tell your friends. It's the funniest conservative political sex manual ever. And yes, Barry, I DID write that!

@Angry Hoosier Dad- No question that Obama will be declared the winner every time, even with those chunks o' baby still in his teeth. But I'm still hoping that Mitt may be able to sway a few libs who accidentally get exposed to a little truth. And I'm also hoping that Mitt somehow delivers a smackdown which will make Obama look like the arrogant ass he is.

@SeaDog- I'd like Mitt to put Joe Wilson in the front row of the audience, and everytime Mitt points at him, Joe would shout out "YOU LIE!" Hopefully after about the 3rd time, the entire audience would be doing it!

@Irene Peduto- Hey, liberals should LOVE Obama Sutra! As long as they're demanding that we pay for their birth control, we might as well also give them 57 interesting ways to use it!

And I also suspect that Barry will be getting an advance look at the questions, so he can have time to prepare for tough queries like "Do you support torturing dogs by strapping them to the roof of a moving car?"

@John the Econ- When I hear the phrase "Here comes Honey Boo Boo," I always expect Joe Biden to take the stage.

Regarding Kerry, Obama screwed 57 states to get power, and Kerry screwed the Heinz 57 heiress to get rich. There's got to be a connection.

I totally agree that Mitt needs to find a way to nettle "no drama Obama" to take him off message. Maybe something like "Free speech protects even those things which some people find offensive - like those pornographic pictures of Barack's mom."

@Anonymous- You'll see no letting up on my part between now and election day. This is the big game, folks, and it's winner take all.

@CenTexTim- My friend Harry Palms said that was a good joke.

Regarding the debates, they're going to be hard to watch but very important. There aren't many opportunities for Mitt to make his case directly to the Obamites, and I'm hoping he'll score points.

@Pete(Detroit)- Such a drinking game will have to be structured carefully to avoid actual deaths within the first few minutes.

rickn8or said...

Thank you for the download.

"Lie like a prayer rug." Indeed.

Mitt needs to go for the throat on the first question and not let up.

Colby said...

Maybe the Mittster needs to make up some little signs with handles on them. Everytime the conceited prick says a whopper, hold up a sign that says, "Liar!" or "I give that one 5 Pinocchio's!" or "Really?!" or "Big things = Michelle's thighs and your lies." BO would be blowing his top in no time.

And... my ideal line-up of moderators:
Dennis Miller
Don Imus
Howard Stern
Greta VanSustren

Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Jim Hlavac said...

In a strange way, Obama did write that book.

Pete(Detroit) said...

Jim, I was thinking exactly the same thing. Stilton certainly had O's help!

Colby, Love Greta, but it almost seems she had neural damage - one side of her face (her left, iirc?) seems to move oddly, like a micro stroke, or something. Not that it's important, but I find it a bit distracting...

Stilt, LOVE the Joe Wilson idea! That would be just awesome!!!!

Anyone know off hand when the VP debate will be? THAT should be FUN to watch!

Colby said...


Greta is sort of strange to watch, but she is tough and smart.

The VP debate? Seems almost unfair to call it that. It will be like a Mensa member debating a potato, but I digress...

It is October 11 at 9 PM EDT. It's at Centre College in Danville, KY, so the crowd should be fairly balanced unless BO busses in a bunch of libs from Illinois. It's hosted by Martha Raddatz of ABC. On the surface, this seems like a decent choice (better than Lehrer by far), but her ex-husband is an obama appointee. I hope you didn't spew your "coffee" in surprise!

It will be the usual crap. They'll give Biden 20 minutes to tell stories about Republicans putting people in chains, then they'll give Ryan 7 seconds to fully describe his budget plan, then Biden will say it kills granny and the crowd will cheer.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@rickn8or- Howzabout every time Barry starts explaining how unexpectedly difficult a problem was to solve, Mitt does a Johnny Carson style "invisible golf club" swing?

@Colby- I'd like that lineup, but I'd really like to get Charles Krauthammer in there too.

@Jim Hlavac- Indeed he did, Mr. Hlavac, indeed he did.

@Pete(Detroit)- In fairness to Barry, when I decided to write a book with 57 notable screw-ups, I had no problem finding more than I needed. Which is why I could limit the list to JUST news stories that also sounded like sexual positions - "Ear marks," "Plug the Hole, Daddy," and "Fannie Mae." The darn thing nearly wrote itself.

Regarding Greta, she does have that mini-stroke thing going on, but it's nothing new. And having the same condition never hurt Popeye's career.

Also, I don't have the exact date of the VP debate, but you can bet it's the same day that a Very Big National Emergency will crop up and take over the evening's television.

@Colby- Thanks for giving us the actual date of the VP debate. That's "must see TV" for me.

Mike Porter said...

Stilton: Yes, indeed. Look for someone to 'pull the fire alarm' at that crucial moment when the nerds are about to show the freaks just why years of chronic Marxism inhalation can most assuredly stunt mental development.

Let us all hope, then, that the audience isn't as well smoking the same crass.

George said...

Regarding Greta, I have it on good authority that it was caused by her jaw dropping when she heard the verdict read acquitting O.J. back in 1995(she covered the trial daily for months). She's never fully recovered apparently. :)

Philip said...

MSNBC Caught--Again--Twisting Video to Attack Romney

Video: Biden Says Of His Introductory Speaker: ‘If I Weren’t Married, I’d Ask Her Out On A Date’

Al Sharpton: The Race is Over. Barack Obama Halloween Masks Are Outselling Mitt Romney Masks

Obama and Romney are basically tied in Virginia | Power Line

Obama’s Romney-stand-in on Romney’s rhetorical skills: Oh, he “is a very good debater"

Former Democratic Labor Secretary Robert Reich: Romney Will Beat 'Wooden' Obama in Presidential Debates

Leno: ‘We Wasted Four Years Waiting For Obama To Do Something About The Economy’

Bloomberg poll: Obama losing support on national security

Rasmussen : 43% Expect Better Economy if Romney Wins; 34% Say Same of Obama - Rasmussen Reports™

Washington Post : No One Expects 2012 to Be Close to 2008 for Democrats

Historically, Likeability matters less than you think

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Mike Porter- It's almost inconceivable to me that the administration will allow Paul Ryan to conduct an autopsy of Biden on live TV. So it will be interesting to see if someone really does pull that fire alarm. Or, as we said in my politically incorrect youth, pulls a Chinese fire drill.

@George- You know, I don't think MY jaw has ever fully recovered from that particular drop. And for the record, I have a lot of respect for Greta. Some of the Fox News shows I've seen employ too many "news bimbos" who look good but don't have much of interest to say.

@Philip- Dang, you've turned into Matt Drudge! Thanks for the links!

Stan da Man said...

For *my* $.02 - they didn't make the case on OJ. Should NOT have had him put on the glove. Was he on scene, yes. Did he do the deed? No proof.
Just sayin'
And yeah, Greta's GOOD, and she's CUTE - the facial thing kinda adds interest, you know? And, besides that, she's CUTE. Not that it matters to the relevance, an' stuff, but you KNOW what I MEAN? (She's also, apparently woefully happily married, so give it up, you wankers {well, other than the wanking}}

FlyBoy said...

I found this piece of brilliance on another website (author unk.):

T'was the night before elections,

And all thru' the town,

Tempers were flaring

Emotions ran up and down.

I, in my bathrobe

With a cat in my lap,

Had shut off the TV,

tired of all the political crap.

When all of a sudden,

There arose such a noise,

I peered out my window,

Saw Barry and his boys

They had come for my wallet,

They wanted my pay

To hand out to others

Who had not worked a day!

He snatched up my money,

And quick as a wink,

Jumped back on his bandwagon

As I wretched from the stink.

He then rallied his henchmen

Who were pulling his cart.

I could tell they were out

To tear my country apart!

'On Fannie, on Freddie,

On Biden and Ayers!

On Acorn, on Pelosi'

He screamed at the pairs!

They took off for his cause,

And as they flew out of sight,

He laughed at a nation

Who wouldn't stand up and fight!

So I leave you to ponder on this one final note...


Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Stan da Man- Actually, I think they made a good case against OJ but had already lost after jury selection. I haven't thought about the trial for quite awhile, but wasn't OJ's blood found at the scene? Wasn't his hair in the black knit cap found at the scene? Wasn't he one of the only people in Los Angeles with Bruno Magli (sp?) shoes of that design and style (per bloody footprints at the scene)? The DNA evidence should have put him away - but the prosecution team was a joke. Darden and Clark both sucked at their jobs, and Judge Ito was too tickled with being in the limelight to keep the trial on the rails.

Regarding Greta, yes- she's good and cute in her intense, married, hint o' stroke kind of way. And I'm talking about a neurological stroke, fer gawsh sakes.

@Flyboy- The meter is a little dodgy in spots, but I certainly can't fault the sentiments!

Emmentaler Limburger said...

I just finished another Ayn Rand book that I never really paid any attention to before: The Fountainhead. She was truly a student of the socialists' methods. The book (despite her very alien notions regarding love and sex; and the extremity of her views on self sufficiency) reads like a script for the actions of the current crop of democratic socialists...

Emmentaler Limburger said...

Sorry: cut that one off prematurely.

Mark Alexander had a rather sobering post over on regarding how this resembles the period where FDR managed to buy the electorate time and again: The FDR Model for Buying Presidential Elections.

Don't let up, folks. As obvious as this all seems to us, there is a huge percentage who do not understand what is at risk, and are only concerned about their now - these are the folks who aren't necessarily "dyed in the wool" democrats, but are those most likely to cast a vote for big gummint's promise to protect them during these difficult times...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Emmentaler- You make a great and very important point: while we're arguing ideology, folks on the left (many of them well-intentioned) are arguing mythology; impossible fictions which they've been lead to believe are the truth. They think we're against universal healthcare because we're haters and assholes, not realizing we're against it because it actually hurts the healthcare system, drives doctors out of the system, and robs people of their freedom. It's an Apples vs Oranges election...and only we know that if the bad guys win they'll burn down the orchard, no matter what was growing in it.

Which proves, rather powerfully, that I shouldn't write metaphors while drinking.

JustaJeepGuy said...

I think drinking brings out the best metaphors from some people. Some people should skip the metaphors at all times. But I don't drink.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@JustaJeepGuy- That was a very diplomatic observation on your part. And I salute you for not drinking because it leaves more for me.

Interestingly, if the election goes the right way in November, I may never need anything stronger than coffee again.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

After more than a few Guinness, one Red's Rye, and a rather large Stone's IPA, I think I'm in agreement with the both of ya.... Whatever you just said.

Pete(Detroit) said...

Emmentaller, yes Fountainhead is brilliant, and MUCH more approachable than Atlas Shrugged.

Necron99 said...

I still go back to Orwell. Although he was a self avowed socilist, he at least had the understanding that Human Nature i.e.;greed, jealousy, lust, sloth, bigotry, etc. would always stand in the way of collectivism (in any form) from working.

I make it a point to re-read "1984", "Animal Farm", & "Down and Out in Paris and London" at least once every couple of years.

What the libtards fail to understand is, when Orwell said, "The only real differance between a bum and a millionaire is the price of their clothes.", he wasn't making a grandiose statement about the "noble poor" being equal to the "evil rich"..., he was merely observing that we are all humans filled with flaws & greatness reguardless of our personal wealth, social status, or station we occupy in life. How we choose to conduct our life is what defines us as "noble" or "evil".

In essence, the politician who's constituancy is reliant on his/her ability to provide more hand outs (as opposed to hand ups) is by deffinition "evil" because he/she is perpetuating & increasing a poverty level caste dependand on him/her to remain in power.

By deffinition, that's not socialism..., that's despicable!