Saturday, January 30, 2010

Democratic Par-TAY

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Despite the president's stern admonition that legislators should share America's belt-tightening during these tough financial times, a recent audit of Nancy Pelosi's expenses includes a line item of over $100,000 for in-flight booze and snacks over just the past two years.

Mind you, Nancy didn't put away all that liquor without a little help. When she travels, she brings other Democratic congresspeople. And their spouses. And kids. And friends. And probably pets.

For instance, Nancy's recent "Copenhagen Climate Summit" travel party cost taxpayers over $1 million, and treated an entourage of 106 people to 5-star hotel accomodations, gourmet dinners, and drinks. And drinks. And drinks.

For this reason, Hope n' Change encourages president Obama to immediately form a fact-finding commission to explore the huge potential cost savings if, in the future, Democrats only conduct their business during Happy Hour.

Your tax dollars at work:
an actual receipt submitted by Nancy Pelosi's office.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Don't Ask

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In assessing the most urgent and vital concerns to address in his "State of the Union" speech, the president decided to highlight his intended repeal of the military's "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy.

This means that military personnel would no longer have secrets in their underpants, at the same time that the Whitehouse and Justice Department are working hard to make sure Al Qaeda-trained terrorists can protect any secrets in their underpants.

For instance, the Christmas Day "underwear bomber" had only 50 minutes of questioning (while being treated for painful burns) prior to being given the right to remain silent by Eric Holder's office, thereby cutting off any possibility of getting information which might save American lives in the future.

Exactly why and how this appalling decision was made is still a mystery, because the Whitehouse and Justice Department are stonewalling. But for now, "Don't ask" is our government's intelligence policy on terror, and "Don't tell" is the advice they're giving to the Ft. Hood shooter and the Christmas Day bomber.

But returning to the subject of gays in the military, was it really necessary for the president to use this internationally-televised forum to accuse our armed forces of prejudice and insensitivity - especially during a culturally sensitive war?

Of course, there IS a large group of people who are currently mocking and ridiculing gays these days: the Democrats and the mainstream media. We offer in evidence the fact that politicians and liberal pundits universally (and smirkingly) refer to conservative activists as "teabaggers" - clearly intending to use this description of certain male homosexuals as an insult.

In summary, does Hope n' Change think that the president is a terrorist-loving, military-hating, gay-baiting hypocrite? Don't ask...and we won't tell.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Horse's...Mouth

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Predictably, Barack Obama's first "State of the Union" address fudged on a few details.

He attempted to reinvent himself as a fiscal conservative (trillion dollar deficits?), he claimed strength in the face of terrorism (granting Miranda rights after a 50-minute interrogation?), he implied that the reason Healthcare legislation is stalled is because we're too dumb to understand it, he attacked the Supreme Court for upholding that pesky First Amendment, he suggested that one of our most pressing military issues is the need to repeal the current "Don't ask, don't tell" policy for gays, and he chose to interpret the election results in Massachusetts as America's way of saying "Mr. president, we love and support YOU but we're angry about banker's bonuses!"

At least a horse doesn't need a teleprompter to produce manure...

BONUS: Chris Matthews declares speech to be so good that "I forgot he was black tonight."

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Do Unto Others

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In tonight's "State of the Union" speech, Barack Obama is expected to cast his presidency in a new light...backing away from his failed healthcare initiative, his preposterous visit to Copenhagen to change the climate, his Nobel Prize for bowing, his inability to handle Guantanamo Bay, devastating unemployment, and his granting of Miranda rights to Al Qaeda terrorists before they've been thoroughly questioned.

Instead, Obama hopes to suck up to voters by offering the middle class a tepid grab bag of government goodies. Among the president's earth-shaking ideas: a mandatory plan which would force employers to allow their employees to make IRA deposits from their paychecks instead of having the employees deposit the money themselves.

Of course, this doesn't actually accomplish anything (other than sending the message that the president thinks people are too stupid to figure out how to put money in their own accounts) but will add another $100 million in accounting costs to an already-struggling business environment.

Additionally, the president is expected to propose a "spending freeze" which will lock in the already bloated federal budgets that the president has boosted to all-time highs in his first year.

Fortunately, the "State of the Union" won't be entirely negative. Many people plan to treat it as a drinking game, taking a shot of liquor every time the self-obsessed president says either "I" or "me" (as he did 132 times in a recent speech) and five shots whenever he says "I get it" or "I hear you."

With luck, they won't sober up again until 2012.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

You Say Potato...

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After much debate on the Internet, the Whitehouse finally scheduled Obama's "State of the Union" speech for Wednesday, January it wouldn't interrupt the season premiere of "Lost."

But frankly...what's the difference?

• After a disaster, ordinary people are trying to survive, but help never comes.
• Lacking clear leadership, opposing camps are formed.
• Bad people disguise themselves as good people, and conceal their true goals.
• Major problems were inherited from the bureaucracy that previously ruled.

Evil businessmen want to exploit the system for their own financial benefit.
• The past isn't "set," and history can be rewritten.
• Polar bears are forced to live in warm climates.
• In the end, it's likely that none of it makes any sense anyway.

What are the hidden secrets of the Obharma Initiative?

Monday, January 25, 2010

One Hand Clapping

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Air America, the liberal radio network which was created to knock Rush Limbaugh off the air, was pronounced dead on Thursday after a long, hard-fought battle against reality.

For six years, Air America's hosts (including now-senator Al Franken) spewed bile and left-wing propaganda, alienating many listeners and entertaining virtually no one.

The radio network had terrible financial problems as advertisers and audiences fled, with workers and "talent" sometimes being paid with checks that bounced. Bankruptcies and lawsuits flew for years, until the network finally drew its last, angry breath.

Air America's last day is today, leaving a stunned broadcast industry asking itself one haunting question: "Who even knew those idiots were still on the air?!"

Al Franken, former "Air America" host
and current 59th Senate vote for Obamacare

Sunday, January 24, 2010


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The line separating editorializing from projectile vomiting has officially ceased to exist at alleged news outlet MSNBC, thanks to Keith Olbermann's vicious tirade against Republican Scott Brown.

Olbermann later defended his remarks by saying that nobody in Scott Brown's camp had officially come forward to prove the charges aren't true.

By that same logic, someone could accuse Keith Olbermann of being a child-molesting, serial killing, coprophiliac who drinks orphan's tears while sexually abusing drugged chickens, because absolutely no one at MSNBC has offered proof that these things aren't true.

But that would be wrong - that's for sure.

Bonus: Jon Stewart weighs in on Olbermann

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DOUBLE BONUS: Has Olbermann actually lost his mind? His foaming-at-the-mouth attack on the Supreme Court suggests "yes."