Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Like most Americans, you're probably asking yourself why every corner of the world is suddenly so peaceful and loving, why there are always rainbows in the sky, and why pastel clouds of butterflies rise from fields of flowers as unicorns gambol and gallop in the sunshine.
And the answer, of course, is that the policies of Barack Obama are so darned successful!
Then again, maybe you haven't been asking those questions because, unlike White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest (who still has that showroom fresh "new spokesweasel" smell), you're not filled to your freaking eyeballs with prozac, fortified wine, and crack cocaine.
We base our conclusion on Mr. Earnest's bizarre response to questions about a recent Wall Street Journal article which points out that the world is currently a ticking timebomb, with the greatest amount of global instability and militant whackjob craziness since the late 1970's.
When asked (and we paraphrase ever so slightly here) why Barack Obama is simply watching the world go to blazing hell with his thumb jammed waaaaaay up his ass, Mr. Earnest blew out a lungful of meth smoke then asserted that the president's policies have "substantially furthered American interests and substantially improved the, uh, you know, the – the tranquility of the global community."
Tranquility, Josh? Really...? Although to be perfectly fair, the Press Secretary only referred to the "global community" and didn't specify whether he was referring to Earth or perhaps some other globe which only he can see in those spectacular "eyes rolled back in the head" first moments after the heroin screams into his thirsty veins.
All of which brings us to the legitimate question raised in today's cartoon: do we miss Jay Carney yet?
No we do not. We will never miss Jay Carney. We would miss having Ebola and bleeding out from every orifice before we would miss Jay Carney.
Which is why Hope n' Change was very disturbed to read recent reports that Apple Computer is considering Jay Carney to become their new head of PR. For one thing, this would drastically affect our retirement portfolio as we dump Apple stock like there's no tomorrow. It would also force us to renounce Apple products, computing in general and, in all likelihood, electricity just so we wouldn't run the risk of accidentally hearing Jay Carney make a wholly unbelievable announcement about the wonders of a new "iPhoney."
Frankly, we think a better job for Carney would be working as a padding-free dummy at a facility which trains attack dogs. Sadly, this isn't likely to happen...but even imagining it gives us (in the words of Josh Earnest) substantially improved tranquility.