Monday, January 13, 2014

Stand Up Guy

READERS- Okay, today's offering is a little odd even by our usual lax standards. As I've mentioned, I'm cleaning out years of clutter from my office, and one of the things I unearthed was a thick file of jokes I wrote years ago for Jay Leno.

Not, of course, that Jay Leno wanted the jokes. But he would take fax submissions from anyone and, if he liked your joke, he'd buy it for $50.  Which is, after months of trying, what I eventually earned for my one and only joke that made it into a Tonight Show monologue (I still have the uncashed check from "Big Dog Productions," signed by Leno).

By the way, at the time I was also writing for a daily comedy newsletter service providing topical material to radio stations nationwide (and earning some nice money), so I wasn't completely delusional about my comedic chops.

Unsurprisingly, the topical jokes I wrote back in 1995 or so now have a thick layer of unfunny dust on them...but before they head out to my recycling bin, I thought I'd give them a proper sendoff by creating this one imaginary monologue that might have happened back then, but didn't...

stilton jarlsberg, hope n' change, hope and change, jay leno, tonight show, clinton, humor, jokes

PS: Jay, if you're reading this - I'm still available. Let's do lunch!


pdwalker said...


did you expect anything different?

TrickyRicky said...

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, what you gonna do when that damn thing rusts. Keep on trucking Stilton.

Colby said...

I liked 'em! Deliciously cheesy... although the Anna Nicole Smith one was a bit disturbing, but by now, us regular H'n'C'ers know that the fine doctor's brain came from "Abby somebody," so we have come to expect some twistedness.

And I can absolutely see you being a regular writer for Jay Leno. Perhaps when he starts his new show on Fox....

Emmentaler Limburger said...

Soooooo, aside from this, anyone else catch the not so obvious (hard to say with tongue in cheek) DNC declaration of war on Christie? Yup - the eliminate your competition strategy of the DNC is in full swing, funded by our tax dollars. First the bridge, now Feds investigating Christie's use of Sandy relief funds. And that it is a CNN exclusive is further proof that it is the DNC, and not the Gummint pressing the issue. When it rains, it pours, hey, Chris? Of course, they're doing themselves no favors in sweeping this "conservative" aside so that they have to face a REAL one 2016.

(@Stilt: My personal favorite was the Marlboro man joke.)

Reiuxcat said...

ANS one was the best!

John the Econ said...

So, which joke did Jay actually pay for?

It's a shame that H&C doesn't pay for content. Then I could afford to retire on checks from @Stilton instead of from the government. (diddyboom)

I'd even cash them! (diddyboom)

@Emmentaler Limburger, it seems that we finally have something for Eric Holder to sink his teeth into. I mean, it's not like the investigation into political retribution at the IRS was going anywhere.

Bruce Bleu said...

I would surmise that NOT using your humor was the reason that Jay had to retire... TWICE! If you had Mandibular Prognathism and 300 vehicles you might be able to take Leno's place!
So, instead, the network will use Jimmy Fallus, (I really do miss Johnny Carson).

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@pdwalker- Scientifically speaking, a groan is the least understood form of laughter.

@TrickyRicky- I've got no choice but to keep on trucking; it's not what I do, it's who I am.

@Colby- The jokes on display here are particularly unsubtle because I had to refer to things people might remember without too much set up. Word balloons can be very unforgiving.

And I'd love to write for Leno now that he's finally starting to let fly with Obama jokes.

@Emmentaler- The new Christie investigation (not to be confused with the New Christy Minstrels) is an almost perfect example of "give 'em enough rope to hang themselves." The Obama Administration makes a huge show of giving Christie hurricane relief funds, then opens a federal investigation into how he spent them.

There should be a lesson there for anyone who thinks they can get something "free" from Obama.

@Reiuxcat- Glad you liked it!

@John the Econ- Actually, the one joke Leno paid for is so lame I'm tempted not to share it; it related to the major league baseball players strike and the gag was that "this is the first time a game was called on account of greed." Predictably, it landed with a thud.

And I wish I could pay for content here. Actually, I sometimes think about it when I hear that Holder and company are thinking about restricting First Amendment rights for non-journalists... and that they define "journalists" as people who get paid (the same distinction we use to differentiate between sluts and whores).

And did you hear that Obama has decided to make Christie our new border czar? He won't stop the influx of illegals, but he'll at least slow them down.

Hmm- I may actually have to do something with that joke...

@Bruce Bleu- I miss Johnny Carson, too. He was absolutely astounding and a real master of milking a joke using only a facial expression or body language.

Colby said...

Here's hoping the O'Numbnuts and the DNC expend so much energy and money trying to discredit Christie, there will be nothing left for Paul, Walker, Lee, Huckabee, Jindahl, even Rubio (or fill in the blank). My personal favorite has made it clear he is not interested in a presidential bid, and that would be Trey Gowdy. Dammit! And God help us if Rick Perry makes another go at it... or Jeb Bush for that matter. Both are great guys, but both would be doomed by the comparisons to W.

John the Econ said...

" called on account of greed". Actually, I laughed at that.

So I take it that we're the "sluts" whereas those at The New York Times are the "whores"?

Makes sense. After all, at least we're doing it for the fun. (diddyboom)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Colby- I'm not crying any bitter salt tears over Christie yet, as the mainstream media can take their declaration of "presumed GOP candidate" and cram it.

And I agree that any GOP candidate with any connection to, or echo of, George W Bush is doomed. I'm not saying it's right or fair, I'm just saying it's a fact.

@John the Econ- Now that you mention it, I was absolutely trying to equate many paid journalists to whores, but hadn't quite thought through the corollary that it would define the rest of us as "sluts."

Still, I guess it's okay as long as well try to practice "safe texts."

Emmentaler Limburger said...

Oh, this is too rich: Apparently, the Ă˜bama Administration Approved the Jersey Shore ads that they're using as mud to smear Christie. You just can't make this stuff up.

CenTexTim said...

@Stilton - as good or better than what currently passes for humor now on late night TV.

@Emmentaler Limburger - does this mean we now have the obama administration investigating itself? We all know how that turns out... (Benghazi, Fast and Furious, IRS, etc. etc. etc.)

Reminds me of the Yogi Berra quote after he got beaned: "The doctors x-rayed my head and found nothing."

John the Econ said...

Well, since we've not got ObamaCare, there's no reason why we all can't be slutty:

Thanks ObamaCare! It's certainly in the public interest to keep Julie and Sandra Fluke from getting knocked up! The gene pool is polluted enough.

David in SoCal said...

Brilliant Stilt!
To quote a famous Tonight Show sidekick: "HIOHHHH!"

John the Econ said...

Speaking of material for Jay Leno, here's a little bedtime humor for you all:

Taxpayers Paid Nearly $175M for Penis Pumps Between 2006 and 2011 - Federal government paid more than double the retail price

I'll let the rest of you write the punchlines. Goodnight.

REM1875 said...

John the Econ no wonder they are voting for zero. How do I get mine? If I had one of those I would have something productive to do besides play on a tablet all day, I want one of those powered by a hemi-charger engine with 6 speeds forward, 2 in reverse with cruise control and leather upholstery. Yeah baby, ya'll would never see me again.

PRY said...

Ain't everybody can crank out a good gag! I've done it at times for a cartoon, but usually was just a flash in my mind, since I never did it for a living!Thanks for the insights into a bit of your career, Stilt.

John the Econ said...

I'm sorry folks, but I can't go more than 48 hours without raging on what history may recall as one of the pivotal turns accelerating America's decline, ObamaCare:

Older Pool of Health Care Enrollees Stirs Fears on Costs

"People signing up for health insurance through the Affordable Care Act’s federal and state marketplaces tend to be older and potentially less healthy, officials said Monday, a demographic mix that could threaten the law’s economic underpinnings and cause premiums to rise in the future if the pattern persists."

Surprise, surprise! What, is the New York Times acknowledging that us right-wing haters who pointed out the "adverse selection" flaw of ObamaCare were right all along?

"Of those who signed up in the first three months, administration officials said, 55 percent are age 45 to 64. Only 24 percent of those choosing a health insurance plan are 18 to 34, a group that is usually healthier and needs fewer costly medical services. People 55 to 64 — the range just below the age at which people qualify for Medicare — represented the largest group, at 33 percent."

What? The idealistic youngsters don't want to pony up and subsidize us old folks? Liberalism is only popular when everyone thinks that someone else is being made to foot the bill. I guess they did the math, and figured out that "free" birth control wasn't worth $250/month.

Oh, and there's another whammy on the way for the insurance companies who choose to play on the exchanges: The total cluster that was and other exchanges as well as the Obama Administration constantly changing the rules has forced insurance companies to hire more customer service staff to handle the collateral damage. But under ObamaCare, insurance companies that spend more than 20 percent of their premiums on overhead must issue refunds to insureds.

Do you think they'll get a waiver from this penalty, or will they be forced to refund us our own money, and make up the difference by getting cheaper on care?

It's No Gouda said...

John: The answer to you final question is: NO!
Thanks to the internals of O'crapcare and Dodd-Frank the gubmint will just take over the insurance companies and then they'll spend 80% on bureaucracy and 20% on care and it'll ALL be our tax dollars.

Unknown said...

What a coincidence. I'm going to be in the Tonight show audience Tuesday 1/14. (Matt Damon & Lary the Cable guy)

David in SoCal said...

econ Juan: That's not mine! That's not my bag, baby!
Guess the Swedish made Penis Pump didn't work for dear leader.

Bruce Bleu said...

Regarding Juan the Econ...
How many penis pumps does it take to screw in a light bulb? LIGHT BULB... they like to do their thing in the DARK?
Before being a Communisty Organizer, what job did Barry Blowtoero have at his local bath-house? Penis Pump.
What kind of shoe does Tranny Barry wear to the bath-house? A Penis Pump.
What does a bottom-feeding fish, a penis pump, and Barry Sotoero have in common? they're all "suckers"!
Why did the Barry cross the road? To be a penis pump on the other side.
(I'll be here all night. Don't forget to tip your waitress.)