Man of the Cloth

Barack Hussein Obama recently took time off from impeding Israel's efforts to defend itself and not giving a flying fornication about the anti-Christian slaughter in Iraq in order to do what he does best and most enthusiastically: praise Islam.

In official comments for the celebration of the Eid-al-Fitr feast which comes at the end of Ramadan's month-long period of fasting, the president praised Muslim-Americans for their many "achievements and contributions...to building the very fabric of our nation and strengthening the core of our democracy."

Sadly, very few people care enough about history anymore to acknowledge the great contributions of our nation's Muslim founding fathers, including Thomas Mohammed Jefferson,  Alexander Hussein Hamilton, and John Allah Akbar Adams. And speaking of the "fabric of our nation," fewer still know or care that the Declaration of Independence is written on the back of a prayer rug.  And don't bother checking it on Snopes - we already did, and it's true.

The president is also correct in his assertion that Muslim-Americans strengthen the core of our democracy - or at least the core of Obama's Democrat voting bloc.  According to a recent study, Obama enjoys greater support from Muslims than any other religious group in America - perhaps because he voices greater support for Muslims than any other religious group in America.

Seriously, have you ever heard the president praise Christianity for its role in putting a man on the moon? Have you heard him say that one of the "sweetest sounds on Earth" is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? Can he even spell Presbyterian? We think not.

But in the spirit of Eid-al-Fitr, let us not bicker about religious differences but instead celebrate the strong fabric of America.

A strong fabric which, above all else, we'd like to see made into a straightjacket for Barack Hussein Obama as soon as possible.

Uncle Ream Us

In case you're wondering why the president is now greeted with the musical strains of "Zippity Doo Dah" rather than "Hail to the Chief," it's because Barack Obama has decided that the only way he can pull the midterms out of the fire for the Democrats is to deliberately try to get himself impeached. Which is why the White House has started floating accusations that some unnamed person or body is thinking about impeaching the alleged president.

But why would Barry want to get impeached? Because in the current political climate, he could never actually be convicted by the other Democrats and so he can happily use the mere threat of impeachment as "proof" that he's the victim of racism. And the GOP knows this, which is why it doesn't want to start impeachment proceedings despite the fact that Obama is so clearly guilty of a vast buttload of high crimes and misdemeanors (including using the IRS as a political weapon, and rewriting healthcare law on a nearly daily basis for his own political benefit).

In the Uncle Remus story about Brer Rabbit, the wily hare begged the fox not to throw him into the briar patch - which was actually what he most wanted. Similarly, Brer Obama is doing his best to goad the GOP into throwing him into the impeachment patch. And since just being a wretched anti-American president hasn't been enough, he's now upping the ante to "triple dog dare" status.

Failure to support Israel in a time of war didn't get impeachment started...so the president sent $47 million in relief to Israel's opponents as provocation.

Failure to secure our southern border didn't start the impeachment ball rolling...so the president is starting a new program to let kids apply to come here without even bothering to make the trip across Mexico. Moreover, he's openly declared that this week he's going to take some major unilateral (and entirely illegal) executive action to shred our nation's immigration laws.

Sadly, the "Brer Rabbit" strategy is a win-win for Brer Obama: he can operate in an absolutely insane manner to enact any destructive policies he wants...and if the GOP tries to stop him via impeachment, his race-baiting party will clean up in the midterms.

This is one fairytale that can't possibly end "happily ever after."

TGIF It

Eat your heart out, Tony Stark

Hope n' Change is taking the day off owing to the stringent requirements of our "Vow of Sanity."

Seriously - more plane crashes, more anti-Israel rhetoric, more IRS obfuscation, more Boko Haram violence, more presidential fundraisers, more of everything that (as Aristotle once quipped) "blows donkey dicks." Although admittedly, that phrase sounded a lot more urbane when he said it in the original Greek.

So we're spending the day cleaning the vast Hope n' Change office complex while listening to  relaxing New Age music (if you have Amazon Prime, you can listen to the same album for free!) and sipping decaf.

And by "decaf" we mean cheap box wine (but we checked - it's caffeine free.)

Enjoy your weekend and, if you happen to see me lumbering down the street in the metal suit above, give me a "shave and a haircut" knock on the helmet when it's safe to come out.    -Stilton

Tear Down This Law

Yesterday, a three-judge panel ruled that the language contained in Obamacare's previously unread 2000+ pages specifically spells out an inconvenient truth: federally funded subsidies are illegal for anyone purchasing health insurance policies from the federally-run exchanges (ie, "Healthcare.gov") in 36 states.

Conservatives and constitutionalists were quick to cheer, predicting that the legal ruling might represent a long-awaited death blow to Obamacare. But their hope was short won: only hours later, another federal appeals court issued a ruling in opposition to the first federal appeals court, and said that because the critical language in the law was "ambiguous," it could be interpreted by the IRS (the heavily armed, politically partisan enforcement wing of Obamacare) to mean whatever the hell they wanted it to mean.

To put it another way, if a law is incomprehensibly confusing, the second decision says it should be interpreted by an agency that can't even follow the simple instructions (not to mention laws) for backing up their emails.

Because of the conflicting rulings, a smug Josh Earnest says that the White House will ask for the whole hot mess to be reviewed by a higher appeals court with 11 members - 7 of whom were appointed by Democrats. Guess how that body will rule.

And following that fustercluckery, it's likely that the competing rulings will eventually meander all the way to the Supreme Court for final adjudication. But to borrow the words of a genuinely despicable (and filthy rich!) politician, "What does it matter?"

Because the Supreme Court pretty much lost its last shred of credibility after Chief Justice John Roberts completely invented the reasons for approving Obamacare as constitutional. And even if the Supreme Court did rule that the Obama administration is breaking the law by handing out money illegally - what would anyone do about it?

Seriously, Barack Obama breaks the law as routinely as Joe Biden guffaws at his own farts, and in both cases everyone in Washington either ignores it or claims to smell roses.

In all candor, Hope n' Change is feeling genuinely wounded by this whiplash of judicial activity: a sudden ray of sunlight - followed immediately by the crushing fist of darkness. Leave it to Barack Hussein Obama to turn our "hope" into a vulnerability.

One Giant Leap...Backwards

This past weekend saw the 45th anniversary of two significant events: Teddy Kennedy causing the death of Mary Jo Kopechne at Chappaquiddick (and getting away with it), and astronaut Neil Armstrong taking the first step onto the moon. Hope n' Change is old enough to remember both.

Which is why we're feeling wistful and angry today about what this country once was...and what it doesn't seem to be anymore. The drive for great accomplishments seems to have sputtered to a halt and our past achievements have fallen into disrepair. It seems that no one sane is actually looking forward to the nation's future anymore. Instead, the (ahem) "vision" of the government is simply managing (and not incidentally hastening) America's decline.

Today, the United States has no independent capacity to put a man in space. We are simply passengers in someone else's vehicle - and Mary Jo Kopechne found out how well that works.

So it's legitimate to ask, can we go back? And the answer is yes - in fact, Barack Obama announced just last week his multi-million dollar plan to go back to the place that captured the world's attention 45 years ago.

Not the moon, of course.

He's going back to Martha's Vineyard - the home of Chappaquiddick Island - for yet another vacation from his exhausting schedule of scandals and failures.

"History, we have a problem..."

Killer Jokes

 

There's nothing funny about the cartoon above, because there's nothing funny about Barack Obama's public reaction to the missile attack and downing of a Malaysian Air jet carrying 295 people, 23 of whom were Americans. All were killed.

Which prompted Barack Obama, speaking at a Republican-bashing event in Delaware, to issue a passionless 40 second acknowledgement in which he said the attack "looks like it may be a terrible tragedy" (note to the president's speechwriters - a "tragedy" is an earthquake or tsunami, not a missile attack on innocents) before rolling immediately into joking with the audience .

"It's great to be in the state that gave us Joe Biden," the grinning president said, "And we've got actually some better-looking Bidens with us here today. We've got Beau and his wife, Hallie. Give them a big round of applause - we love 'em!"

The lounge-lizard-in-chief then made a joke about Treasury Secretary Jack Lew, who was also in attendance.

"Jack Lew's signature is actually on your money," Obama laughed, "although it's kind of illegible. We teased him when he first became treasury secretary that he was going to have to fix his signature a little bit because it looked just like a caterpillar running along the bottom!"

Yes, there's nothing to take the sting out of American deaths like a well-timed caterpillar joke. And also, no more telling sign that this president is an ice cold America-hating sociopath.

His easy transition from making a perfunctory statement about American deaths and then rolling into jovial comedy is nothing new. He did the same when he announced the many deaths and injuries at the Fort Hood massacre, before immediately starting to crack jokes and laugh it up with his fawning audience.

And while he resisted the urge to do a stand-up routine when surrounded by the flag-draped coffins of those who died in Benghazi, he certainly wasn't moved to treat the occasion seriously enough to tell the truth, or take even a modicum of responsibility.

In complete fairness, at the point Obama started his shuck-and-jive routine with the crowd, he didn't know that 23 Americans had been brutally murdered (or know that the missile attack was quite likely coordinated by Russian military personnel) - but he did say "right now, we're working to determine whether there were American citizens on board."

Knowing both the likelihood and the gravity of this possibility, this should have been the moment that he elected to act like a president instead of a politician.

To speak as an adult rather than a comedian.

And to finally show that he has a heart and soul...rather than a chilling, bottomless contempt for everyone other than himself.

UPDATE: Details about this event continue to come in. It now seems that rather than 23 Americans on the doomed flight, there was "at least one American." In the interest of accuracy, we wanted to post this information - but it doesn't change our feelings about the president's reaction in the least.

Just Joshing

Like most Americans, you're probably asking yourself why every corner of the world is suddenly so peaceful and loving, why there are always rainbows in the sky, and why pastel clouds of butterflies rise from fields of flowers as unicorns gambol and gallop in the sunshine.

And the answer, of course, is that the policies of Barack Obama are so darned successful!

Then again, maybe you haven't been asking those questions because, unlike White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest (who still has that showroom fresh "new spokesweasel" smell), you're not filled to your freaking eyeballs with prozac, fortified wine, and crack cocaine.

We base our conclusion on Mr. Earnest's bizarre  response to questions about a recent Wall Street Journal article which points out that the world is currently a ticking timebomb, with the greatest amount of global instability and militant whackjob craziness since the late 1970's.

When asked (and we paraphrase ever so slightly here) why Barack Obama is simply watching the world go to blazing hell with his thumb jammed waaaaaay up his ass, Mr. Earnest blew out a lungful of meth smoke then asserted that the president's policies have "substantially furthered American interests and substantially improved the, uh, you know, the – the tranquility of the global community."

Tranquility, Josh? Really...? Although to be perfectly fair, the Press Secretary only referred to the "global community" and didn't specify whether he was referring to Earth or perhaps some other globe which only he can see in those spectacular "eyes rolled back in the head" first moments after the heroin screams into his thirsty veins.

All of which brings us to the legitimate question raised in today's cartoon: do we miss Jay Carney yet?

No we do not. We will never miss Jay Carney. We would miss having Ebola and bleeding out from every orifice before we would miss Jay Carney.

Which is why Hope n' Change was very disturbed to read recent reports that Apple Computer is considering Jay Carney to become their new head of PR. For one thing, this would drastically affect our retirement portfolio as we dump Apple stock like there's no tomorrow. It would also force us to renounce Apple products, computing in general and, in all likelihood, electricity just so we wouldn't run the risk of accidentally hearing Jay Carney make a wholly unbelievable announcement about the wonders of a new "iPhoney."

Frankly, we think a better job for Carney would be working as a padding-free dummy at a facility which trains attack dogs. Sadly, this isn't likely to happen...but even imagining it gives us (in the words of Josh Earnest) substantially improved tranquility.

Coming Soon to a Teatro Near You

We're letting the cartoon carry the commentary today. Sometimes, gnashing your teeth like Charlton Heston and pounding your fists in the sand is the only appropriate response...

Perry and Thrust

Despite the flood of illegal aliens which Barack Obama called a "humanitarian crisis" which requires an emergency expenditure of $3.7 billion bucks (almost none of which will actually help secure the border), the busy, busy, busy president couldn't take time off from glad-handing rich donors at fundraising events in Texas to actually visit the border and take a look at the situation.

He did, however, reluctantly agree to a hastily-arranged meeting with Texas Governor Rick Perry to talk about the growing emergency. Well, not actually talk, but listen. Okay, he didn't listen either - but at least he was in the room - giggling - long enough to get a picture taken...

But the president didn't spend his entire visit to Texas whoring himself out to the wealthy and laughing uproariously about our fallen borders. He also took some time to fight negative racial stereotypes by drinking beer and playing pool.

From a serious journalistic and editorial standpoint, Hope n' Change would really like to describe Mr. Obama's actions as something other than "acting like a complete douche nozzle."

But we can't.

Judge Not

When it comes to putting one of the so-called Benghazi terrorist "masterminds" on trial, no one can question the importance of assigning the proceedings to an exceptionally well qualified judge with a long and solid track record on the bench.

Of course, that's only if you want a legitimate verdict rather than a show trial that's as staged as a sixth grade play.

Sadly, the latter is exactly what Hope n' Change is expecting now that the case of Ahmed Abu Khattala has been "randomly" assigned to former Obama ass-monkey and transition team member Christopher "Casey" Cooper, who will only officially be sworn in as a US District Judge later this week in a formal investiture ceremony.

While Hope n' Change is not usually averse to the idea of on-the-job training, we really prefer to see it in less critical situations than the highest profile terror trial of the century. Instead, start with something easy like brain surgery or piloting commercial jetliners.

Reassuringly, Cooper is described as "quite capable" (wow!) by a totally unbiased partner at his former law firm - who also happens to be his freaking father-in-law. And we assume that he is also considered "quite capable" by his wife, who - surprise! - worked at the Justice Department under Eric Holder.

And by an absolutely astounding coincidence, Cooper's college roommate just happened to be the brother of national security adviser Susan Rice - the woman whose most famous career achievement was lying her ass off about Benghazi. 

Looking at all of the incestuous political connections, it would be easy to come to the conclusion that this coordinated attack on the American jurisprudence system was carefully planned in advance by political radicals.  But the Obama administration contends that this demonstration of "random" case assignment was entirely spontaneous.

At least, that's what Susan Rice is saying. Again.

Hail to the Cheese

Readers- We're letting the cartoon carry the weight today. This neatly sums up our "scandal fatigue" as well as anything we could think of. Thanks to David in SoCal for sending an email listing these scandals (and more, of course) and to Monty Python for simply existing.

July 4th, 2014

Although we only want to express positive thoughts on the 4th of July, Hope n' Change can't resist taking a small dig at the man just voted "worst president since World War II" in a national poll...

Have a great 4th of July with your family and friends, and take time to reflect on the importance and meaning of this wonderful country!

Ruthless Decision

In a tight 5-4 decision which has set the Arts & Crafts world reeling, the Supreme Court has reaffirmed the 1st Amendment of the Constitution, which states "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."  In this case, that translates to the fact that Obamacare can not force the owners of religion-centric family-owned businesses such as Hobby Lobby to pay for drugs intended to kill the unborn.

Noted sexual athlete Ruth Bader Ginsburg was on the losing side of the argument, and strongly voiced her opinion that corporations do not have religious rights or a collective "conscience" which requires adherence to a moral code. Rather, she believes, corporations are simply heartless, soulless, blood sucking collections of purely self-interested people, much like the Democratic party.

Obsessive high-office stalker Hillary Clinton also called the Court's ruling "deeply disturbing" and a "really bad slippery slope", perhaps not realizing the decision was based on a 1993 piece of law called the Religious Freedom Restoration Act which was put in place by her husband Bill Clinton. Who, ironically, is also deeply disturbed and familiar with slippery things.

While pretending to be outraged by the Supreme Court ruling, Barack Obama and other Leftists are secretly doing backflips (which was, coincidentally, the only method of post-coital birth control available to women until the 1960's) because it gives fresh life to their threadbare "War on Women" meme just in time for the midterms.

But in truth, rather than being a brutal act of war against womankind, the ruling is barely an inconvenience for anyone at all.  Over 99% of businesses will not be affected by the decision. And at Hobby Lobby, female employees will still have 16 contraceptives included (as always) in their health plans - with only pregnancy-ending abortifacients excluded.

Which is why Ruth Bader Ginburg is basically making up preposterous hypotheticals to attack the majority ruling. "It bears note," groused the disturbingly bird-like Justice while pecking at a pile of seed corn, "that the cost of an IUD is nearly equivalent to a month's full-time pay for workers earning the minimum wage." Which might be meaningful if Hobby Lobby had any employees working for minimum wage - but they don't.

And on a side note, how many women really want to use a form of birth control which is said to have been invented by Arab camel traders who jammed small rocks into the wahooties (also an Arab word) of female camels to keep them from getting pregnant? And wouldn't it have made more sense to teach camels to simply dry hump?

Just kidding - if Sandra Fluke couldn't learn to do it, then camels probably can't either.

In summary, the Supreme Court ruling does no damage to women whatsoever, reaffirms freedom of religious expression and, not incidentally, tells Barack Obama once again that his executive powers are actually even more limited than his understanding of the Constitution.