Just the Fox, Ma'am

Once again this year, Fox News stomped the living daylights out its cable news competitors, getting higher ratings than CNN, MSNBC, and HLN combined... leading many people to ask "what the heck is HLN?" (Seriously, we had to look it up - it's the "opinion" offshoot of CNN which doesn't have to adhere to its parent network's allegedly-rigorous journalistic standards.)

CNN, in particular, saw its numbers plunge over the past year. But why?

We can get a pretty good idea when we consider a CNN "news" story this week in which anchorwoman Alina Cho hosted a "Where are they now?" segment, and asked infamous penis-slicer Lorena Bobbit if she is "finally able to laugh about it."

Along those same lines, we wonder if Ms. Cho asked "Where are they now?" about the 3000 people who used to work in the World Trade Center towers, and whether their survivors are laughing yet? Or perhaps she wondered about all of the people (every American, in fact) who were supposed to see medical and insurance costs go down because of Obamacare. Where are they now, and why aren't they laughing?

It's also curious that the Fox News ratings are so high considering that the network missed some of the biggest stories covered by their competitors this year, including the many ugly incidents of racism and terroristic violence perpetrated by the Tea Party. Fox also severely under-reported the Associated Press's biggest story of 2010, the permanent and devastating environmental damage which could have been caused by the BP Oil Spill, but didn't actually happen.

Overall, Hope n' Change found this to be a year that contained very little good news. But at least Fox continues to be a good news network...and that's a start.
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Man's Best Fiend

Barack Obama, who has previously described himself as a racial "mutt," has decided he'd rather be a friend to sports figures than dogs. How else to explain his recent call to the owner of the Philadelphia Eagles to praise him for giving a "second chance" to Michael Vick - the man who spent 19 months in jail for torturing, electrocuting, and drowning dogs when not forcing them to fight to the death for his own amusement.

It's hard to understand the president's giddy enthusiasm...unless, perhaps, he believes that the police simply planted maimed dogs at Vick's residence, and buried other dead dogs on the grounds. After all, Mr. Obama has famously declared that there's a "long history in this country" of police abuse against African-Americans like Vick. And OJ Simpson.

But apart from that, the president expressed delight at Vick's return to the playing field because "so many people who serve time never get a fair second chance" - unlike recently released detainees from Guantanamo Bay, who are allowed to return to jihaddist terror campaigns.

The president also feels that "individuals who have paid for their crimes should have an opportunity to contribute to society again"...although in this case, "contributing to society" consisted only of carrying a football for $5.25 million a season at the same time that the president has indicated that anyone earning over $250,000 is an evil, selfish threat to society.

But in the end, Barack Obama is simply trying to teach us all a lesson about the importance of forgiveness - and here at Hope n' Change, we're embracing that lesson. And so we forgive the president for his idiotic support of a vicious dog-murdering sonofabitch...and will think no less of him than we did before.

In fairness, Michael Vick does like puppies. With cream gravy.
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Happy New Ears

Because it would be unseemly in this disastrous economy for Barack Obama to admit that his highest priority is now campaigning for the 2012 election, he is instead saying that "I really want to figure out a way where I can spend more time outside of Washington listening and learning and engaging with the American people."

Because, you know, this president combines great humility with tremendous respect for the opinions of the American rabble.

Except when they express their opinions by casting votes against his policies. Or telling pollsters that they don't like what he's doing to the economy, healthcare, and the country. Or when they gather in huge numbers on the National Mall in Washington D.C. to ask for fiscal responsibility and a return to the principles of our founders.

Rather, Barack Obama will go forth among the common people and seek listening and learning opportunities in places like liberal colleges and, just to provide real diversity, other liberal colleges. And then he'll drop in on Iowa to ask if the voters there would like higher federal corn subsidies and, perhaps, backrubs...and he will humbly listen and learn from their responses while trying very hard not to jut his chin into the air.

According to Whitehouse adviser Valerie Jarrett, "when he took office, because of the crisis that was presented to him, he had to spend almost every waking hour in Washington."

Granted, many of those waking hours were spent golfing and playing basketball, but still...it sucks for a listening, learning, man of the people to stay in Washington, which is clearly no place for a president to be during a crisis. This being the case, Hope n' Change is glad to hear that Mr. Obama will finally be able to get out of town.

Between vacations, of course.
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Twist and Shout

When former news magazine "Time" selected the creator of Facebook as their "person of the year," they knew there would be a few whiners out there asking why the archetypal "Tea Party Patriot" shouldn't have been given the nod instead...what with upending an attempted socialist overthrow of the United States.

But Time had an answer. Unlike Facebook which is really important and substantive ("I poked you! Poke me back!"), the Tea Party is more of a short lived phenomenon like the Beatles and will soon be breaking up because individual members presumably want to spend more time with Yoko Ono.

Alleged writer David Von Drehle says "In a sense, identifying with the Tea Party movement was like catching Beatlemania in the 1960s. People were drawn in for different reasons — the beat, the haircuts, the lyrics — and great gulfs of taste divided the John fans from the Paul fans, the George fans from the Ringo fans."

As much as we hate to burst Von Drehle's hallucinogenic bubble, we think that Tea Party members aren't emulating the "Fab Four" so much as the "Founding Fathers," a group whose greatest hits (like "The Constitution" and "The Bill of Rights") have remained consistently popular for over 200 years.

And so, as Time marches on into the dustbin of journalism, we'll choose not to worry too much about a magazine which finds "Yeah, yeah, yeah" trivial...but previously declared "Yes We Can" to be orgasmically profound.

Time's "Person of the Year - 2012"

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Days of Old Lame Sighing

The parties are over, the feasts are finished, and everyone is sick of leftovers. So what better time could Barack Obama choose to quietly enact his new plan for leftover humans?

When Obamacare was passed, "end of life counseling" (which some people said would lead directly to "death panels") was removed from the already repugnant bill because it was considered politically touchy to pay doctors to tell old people not to seek medical treatment. And yet, if old people continue seeing the doctor just because they're dying, the economics of Obamacare don't work. So what's a president to do?

Simple - put his policy into effect via regulation instead of legislation, so it can't be voted down by the pesky representatives of the people.

Specifically, the president's new policy will give some of the few remaining Medicare funds (after Obamacare cut $500 billion from their coffers) to doctors in return for counseling older patients on end-of-life options "which may include advance directives to forgo aggressive life-sustaining treatment."

Doctors will help senior citizens make these decisions during annual physicals by asking simple questions like: "Why do you want to be a burden to your family?" "Don't you think a blind orphan could use the corneas you're currently hogging?" and "Is life with an ingrown toenail really worth living?"

For the economics of Obamacare to work, old people have to die - it's that simple. And if that can be accomplished through regulation instead of law, and suggestion instead of edict, then true "death panels" for senior citizens won't be necessary.

Unless they refuse to go quietly.
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Haappy Holidaays

Can it really be that a whole year has already gone by since last Kwanzaa? And the answer is "no it hasn't" - because Kwanzaa is a week long, and so it's only been 51 weeks since the last one. Still, it just doesn't seem like most of a year could have gone by so rapidly.

It is, of course, a time of warmth and nostalgia for all of us, filled with holiday traditions and memories. Hearing Bing Crosby sing Nguzo Saba...watching "How the Grinch Stole Odu Ifa"...or settling in with a cup of hot cocoa to watch Jimmy Stewart in the classic "It's a Wonderful Walimwengu."

We only wish that everyone could keep the spirit of Kwanzaa in their hearts "24/7, 364 days a year" (as Janet Napolitano would say). It seems like it's always our goal...and maybe this year we'll actually be able to stick to it!

But for now, Hope n' Change wishes one and all a very Heri za Kwanzaa. And a Hotep Ase Heri!

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Christmas 2010

Here's hoping that you'll find this very special day to be filled with joy, love, warmth, and reverence. And please include a moment in your celebrations to give special thanks to our military men and women who are so far from home today.

Whatever your faith and whatever your politics, please accept my very sincere wishes that you and your loved ones enjoy a Merry Christmas!

-Stilton Jarlsberg
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MissileToe

As a final parting gift to Americans before heading to Hawaii to get lei'd, Barack Obama herded enough lame ducks to pass his START missile treaty with Russia. And if you weren't worried about our nuclear defenses before, now would be a good time to START.

According to the U.K. Telegraph, "The United States, the greatest power on earth, has been browbeaten into agreeing to a one-sided treaty that rewards Russian aggression and intimidation."

In essence, the treaty prevents the United States from increasing or enhancing its anti-missile defense systems...leaving us increasingly vulnerable to nuclear threats from rogue states like North Korea and Iran. And in return for lowering our defenses, Barack Obama's team received almost nothing in return (other than the ability to inspect Russian missile sites at so slow a rate that some estimates say it will take us 40 years to visit them all).

Still, team Obama considers this Christmas START treaty to be a crowning foreign policy accomplishment which advances their continuing agenda of "peace through weakness."

To which our enemies in the world say "Ho, ho, ho."
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Want to track Santa's travels on NORAD? Just click here!
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Byte Me

"Net Neutrality" has been pitched by the government as an idea that is largely about assuring unfettered access to broadband Internet services. Which, um, we already have.

Unfortunately, the government didn't control that unfettered access (which is what "unfettered" means)...and so the FCC has just voted to put itself in charge and help do for the Internet what the government has previously done for jobs, healthcare, and world peace.

Of course, the government argues that they don't want to interfere with actual content on the web, or exert political influence. But that gets a bit harder to believe when you find out that the people who have been bankrolling the "net neutrality" push include such liberal whackjobs as George Soros.

And add to that the pronouncement of FCC Commissioner Michael Copps, who says "universal access to broadband needs to be seen as a civil right." Because the Founding Fathers sure as heck didn't fight and die to create a country in which people would be stuck paying for dial-up service and 56k modems with which to access their online porn.

As is the case with everything else the Obama administration has touched, "Net Neutrality" is both deceptively named, and exclusively about taking away freedom and replacing it with big government control.

Which far too many Americans seem to be neutral about.

(PS: A special Hope n' Change "thank you" to Obama's Aunt Zeituni for portraying the role of "underprivileged, taxpayer-supported, martyr who wasn't invited to go to Hawaii with the family for Christmas" in today's cartoon.)
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Ding Dong Merrily On NPR

Just when it seems that political correctness can't possibly get any more annoying, NPR's Nina Totenburg has managed to lower the bar.

While appearing on PBS's Inside Washington, Ms. Totenburg said "I was at – you should forgive the expression – a Christmas party at the Department of Justice."

This wasn't an idle slip. Viewing the video, you can see her deliver the apology with an added little shrug of guilty shame, as if saying "I was at - you should forgive the expression - an orgy for pedophiles," or perhaps "I was at - you should forgive the expression - a baby seal clubbing party."

Because obviously even the word "Christmas" is that offensive to her...and she expects it to be equally offensive to her listeners.

We rather doubt that Ms. Totenburg feels the need to apologize when discussing Ramadan or Kwanzaa. And we also doubt that Ms. Totenburg is apologetic for accepting the check she received for appearing on Inside Washington...even though she was surrounded by, you should forgive the expression, Christmas decorations.

Paper Trained

Showing us once again why Hawaii is called "the sense of humor" state, authorities there placed Barack Obama's dog under quarantine until it could prove its identity and show irrefutable documentation.

Which means that at this point, Bo the dog is better documented than the alleged president himself, and more eligible for a future political career than Obama's Aunt Zeituni who has no papers whatsoever (nor, apparently, an invitation to spend Christmas in Hawaii with her alleged nephew).

In order to get out of quarantine, Bo had to get a medical inspection and prove identification. Interestingly, it's far easier to get a Hawaiian "Certification of Live Birth," the only document Barack Hussein Obama has ever showed to prove citizenship. All someone has to do is tell a grass-skirted clerk "there's a baby at my house, gimme a certification of live birth" and pay a small fee consisting of pineapples and coconuts.

Such a "certification" is not considered acceptable proof of identity or birth even in Hawaii (which isn't exactly a place where they're sticklers for formality). To get a real birth certificate, you need to have a doctor's signature (or in Bo's case, a veterinarian) along with other verification.

Assuming that such a document even exists, it remains unseen. And just last week, the alleged president refused to show it even though this seemingly simple act would have prevented a military doctor from being sentenced to six months in prison for asking to see it.

Then again, maybe Barry can take the birth certificate out of the vault while he's vacationing in Hawaii...rather than let everyone continue to be dogged by the ongoing mystery.

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Don We Now...

It's official: the Senate has voted to repeal the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy which kept Gays from serving openly in the military, and the alleged president is expected to sign the bill into law as soon as his metrosexual nail gloss dries.

Here at Hope n' Change, we have genuinely mixed feelings about this policy change. We didn't like "Don't Ask" because it was forcing men and women to live a lie. Moreover, we support the notion of Gay Rights (not greater rights than straight folks have - simply the same). And though it sounds cliched, some of our best friends really and truly are Gay, and we have great respect for the monogamous longterm Gay relationships we've seen firsthand.

All of that being said, the military is a special situation. Individuals must mesh together and work as a team, or people will die. Which makes this a very high-stakes environment for social experimentation.

Some hand-picked military experts have said they expect the transition to be problem-free. Others have said that they expect the presence of openly Gay troops to hurt morale and weaken our fighting strength and security. And if the experts can't agree, how could the rest of us hope to know what's best?

So we hope that the reversal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is a success...and that the integration of Gay troops has no negative impact. But if it does have a bad outcome, we also hope that leaders will have the courage to come forth and say so, and change the system back...even if it offends the politically correct.

In closing, we leave you with this clip from the film "Full Metal Jacket" in which you can see the way military team-building is, and must be, done. The language is "not safe for work," but the reason you're safe at work is because soldiers who look, sound, and act like this have made it safe. And we dare not weaken them.

Mathemagic

This week, there was terrific news for the math-challenged when the Associated Press ecstatically proclaimed that the new Obama tax cuts "will save taxpayers, on average, about $3000 next year."

Wow! Who couldn't use an extra $3000?! Is this the greatest frickin' president of all time, or what?!

And of course, "or what" is the correct answer...or more appropriately, "wtf."

Because the recent tax bill, which the alleged president very reluctantly signed while wearing his frowny face, doesn't contain any cuts for income tax, and simply extends the current rates which were set by President George W. Bush. So the average taxpayer won't be getting any new cash flow whatsoever, and the $3000 "saved" is simply the money the Democrats weren't allowed to add to the average taxpayer's bill in the midst of an economic meltdown.

But according to the Associated Press, the "Obama tax cuts" represent a $3000 windfall for average shmoes, and this "significant new tax law" will also give tax breaks to those who are married, those who have children, and those who make investments...by keeping current rates exactly the same as they've been for the past 10 years.

So the "Obama tax cuts" aren't tax cuts at all. The "new tax legislation" isn't new. And the Associated Press isn't reporting real news...it's simply spinning lies to cover Obama's rear end. Which, ironically, isn't news either.
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Insanity's Workshop

There's no surer sign of Christmas in these strange days of Hope n' Change than elevated threat warnings about potential terrorist acts. And while the TSA is busily shaking and unwrapping all of our holiday packages (so to speak), Al-Qaeda may be taking another direction entirely.

According to a recent bulletin from the Department of Homeland Security, law enforcement officials should be on heightened lookout for potential car bombings, trucks ramming into holiday crowds, or the possibility of Mumbai-style suicide attacks with small arms and grenades.

The idea, of course, is for Al-Qaeda to pull off attacks which would permanently associate Christmas with the same wretched sick-to-the-stomach feelings associated with 9-11.

Sadly, there's very little that can be done to prevent such small scale (but large impact) events. But a good place to start is by having security personnel pay extra attention to anyone who looks even vaguely like Osama bin Laden or his evil little helpers.

Granted, profiling may put us on the politically correct "naughty list." But it will be worth it if it helps keep Christmas focused on the Virgin and Child...instead of the 72 virgins.
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Melee Kalikimaka

Self-professed Christian and alleged churchgoer Barack Hussein Obama is currently facing a devastatingly tough moral choice: should he honor the birth of his savior with a golf vacation in Hawaii, or continue to vote "present" in Washington to show support for the Democrats who want to raise taxes and give the gift of earmarked pork to their cronies?

The exhausted president hasn't had a real vacation in weeks, and was looking forward to hanging decorations on a Christmas palm tree, helping his daughters build "sand men" on the beach, and listening to the "Hallelujah Chorus" plucked out on ukeleles by jolly rum-filled Samoans.

But owing to a lack of Wise Men (or women) in Washington, the president's holiday plans are delayed until congress can come to agreement on all of the necessary legislation which the Democrats, under Mr. Obama, ignored for the past two years.

So while the sun shines on the golf courses of Oahu, it's looking more and more like the president will be having a white Christmas this year - or, more specifically, a Whitehouse Christmas. But hopefully, that won't be a problem again after 2012.-

The Obama family shows unrestrained joy about Christianity's big day.

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Omnibus Naughty List

With only days to go before the federal government runs out of money, lame-duck Democrats have finally - finally - offered up the budget bill that they chose not to show the public before last month's elections. And now we know why.

Their Omnibus Spending Bill is, yet again, an impossible-to-read 1900 page monstrosity with $1.1 trillion in expenses ($545 million per page), and almost 7,000 earmarks funneling pork to politicians on both sides of the aisle (albeit mostly Democrats).

There is no conceivable way for the massive document to be analysed and debated before Saturday, leading Harry Reid and company to - yet again - declare that "we have to pass it so you can see what's in it." Which is pretty much in direct opposition to the voters' declaration that "we threw you out so you wouldn't do this again."

Harry Reid is suggesting that he'll keep the Senate in session right through Christmas and continue until the moving vans (and perhaps the police) show up in early January if that's what it takes to ram through this final piece of opaque and unaffordable legislation. Happily, Republicans seem ready to call his bluff...and may even require the entire budget bill to be read aloud, line by line, so that by Christmas Eve we'll all know exactly what kinds of taxpayer-funded sugar plums have been dancing in Democrats' heads.

So it's small wonder that this Democrat-controlled congress is on the public's "naughty list," getting the lowest approval rating (83% disapproval) ever recorded. And small wonder that Santa will be shoving coal in their stockings...or someplace even more painful.

Holiday Video Bonus: The Democrats show their love and respect for Christmas and the American people!

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Words from the Wise

Barack Obama's intended takeover of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness via alleged "healthcare reform" suffered a major setback this week when a U.S. District Judge declared a key part of the legislation to be "so unbelievably unconstitutional that it makes my eyes bleed."

Okay, that's not what he said...though we'd be surprised if he wasn't thinking it.

Instead, Judge Henry Hudson struck down the "individual mandate" which compels Americans to purchase health insurance under threat of financial fines or prison. The judge wisely pointed out that "At its core, this dispute is not simply about regulating the business of insurance -- or crafting a scheme of universal health insurance coverage -- it’s about an individual’s right to choose to participate."

Exactly. The "individual mandate" is, by its very nature, a usurpation of Americans' rights; it mandates what the individual must do...and if not struck down, the government could just as easily use the "individual mandate" to declare that you must buy a GM car or face a fine. You must watch MSNBC or go to jail. You must "eat the salad." You must do whatever the government says.

That's exactly the kind of abuse of power our Constitution was written to forbid.

Barack Obama, who has previously claimed to be a Constitutional Law Professor, would have to be an idiot not to know his draconian Healthcare bill is unconstitutional. But we assume that he does know, and doesn't care.

Which is why our Founding Fathers specifically authored our nation's most magnificent document to protect us from men who wish to be kings.
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Shape Up and Ship Out

As if the current TSA pat-downs of children weren't intrusive enough, we can barely imagine what will happen now that alleged First Lady Michelle Obama has declared childhood obesity to be a national security issue.

Consulting with military experts, Mrs. Obama says that as many as one in four kids would be too chubby to head to the front lines in a military crisis...and in fairness, such crises are seeming a lot more likely with her husband in office.

Motivationally speaking, Mrs. Obama may have a tough job convincing kids that they should give up desserts, sodas, and fast food so that they'll have a better chance of getting shot at. But of course, that's why kids can't be allowed to make decisions about what to eat.

And Mrs. Obama doesn't want to stop there, declaring that the government "can't leave it up to the parents" to make dietary choices either. In fact, no one is smart enough to make those decisions except, unsurprisingly, liberal Democrats.

So kids, in the words of Barack Obama: "Eat the Salad." And someday you'll be given a rifle by a government that thinks you're too stupid to be trusted with a twinkie.
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All's Well That Ends Wealth

As Christmas approaches, it's always a pleasure to rewatch the great holiday classic "It's A Wonderful Life." But this year, when George Bailey was called "the richest man in town," we half expected the crowd of townspeople to turn ugly and drag him back out to that snow-covered bridge with a noose.

After all, the Democrats would have us believe that being "rich" is the greatest moral evil of our times, and no mercy should be shown to those who have (somehow) actually accumulated wealth or retained the capability to hire the jobless.

House Democrats are insisting that they'd rather raise taxes on everyone rather than let the "evil rich" simply continue paying their current tax rates. And when Barack Obama suggested, grudgingly, that he might be willing to delay a tax increase on upper-income earners for two years, angry Democrats said "F the president," "No F-ing way," and "He F-ed it up." Apparently, every time the F-word is used, a Liberal gets his wings.

Happily, "It's A Wonderful Life" remains unchanged...reminding us that the average people of Bedford Falls could build their lives through personal initiative, hard work, thrift, and a sense of community...and contrasting this to the nightmare of "Pottersville," an immoral and decaying wasteland where finances, jobs, and life decisions are all controlled by a cold and self-obsessed man behind a desk.

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Handyman

History was made in our nation's capitol Friday when the country's first all-White Black president joined forces with the first half-White Black president to explain why the country's economy remains in the red.

Although the press conference about Obama's proposed tax compromise with the GOP was supposed to be handled by the alleged president, he quickly turned the podium over to Bill Clinton in hopes that skeptical Democrats would listen more favorably to the popular ex-president. Unfortunately for Barry, once Bill Clinton got behind that presidential seal, he had no intention of giving it back.

Obama fidgeted at the side of the stage, checked his fingernails, drew circles in the rug with the toes of his highly-polished shoes, then mumbled something about having "kept the first lady waiting" and that he needed to go attend a Christmas party or something. A really, really good party. "And you guys aren't invited," he probably huffed...chewing his stitched lip to hold in the tears as he ran away.

Actually, we're pretty vague on the details of Obama's awkward departure because, frankly, everyone was glad to see him leave whatever the heck his reasons were...including the reporters who happily continued peppering Mr. Clinton with questions while Obama presumably sulked by a punch bowl.

In truth, it was a very odd sight to see Mr. Obama pushed unwillingly out of the presidential spotlight by a member of the Clinton family. Though we wouldn't be surprised to see it again when the 2012 primaries roll around.
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Empty Gestures

With peace being harder and harder to find in the world, it's small wonder that the Nobel Peace Prize Committee is having an increasingly difficult time locating any real peacemakers.

Following last year's laughable award to Barack Hussein Obama, the Committee chose to present this year's Nobel Peace Prize to...an empty chair. Although at least it was empty for a good reason; the intended recipient, Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo, was barred by his government from attending.

Barack Obama, commenting on passing the prize to a new winner after administering over a not-so-peaceful world for a year, modestly stated that the award "speaks to our highest aspirations" and that it is "claimed by giants of history and courageous advocates who have sacrificed for freedom and justice."

"Giants of history?" Oh please...

However, it is true that the alleged president courageously sacrificed several vacation days during his reign as King of World Peace, and was also willing to cut back on basketball games if it became absolutely necessary (though thankfully it never came to this).

In any event, Hope n' Change sends our congratulations to Mr. Xiaobo for his Nobel Peace Prize win...and our condolences that the Prize lost any meaning just one year earlier.
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Funny You Should Mansion That

When Republicans threatened to withhold middle-class tax cuts unless everyone got them, Barack Obama called them "hostage takers" who intended to "harm" Americans. But now, Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats are threatening to withhold middle-class tax cuts unless taxes are raised on individuals and small businesses earning over $200,000. Which makes them the "hostage takers," though we won't be holding our breath waiting for the alleged president to say so.

Nancy, Harry, Barry and other Democrats keep referring to the potential victims of the tax increase as "millionaires and billionaires" because they've earned $200,000 for at least one year.

Billionaires? Really...?

Which got Hope n' Change thinking...just what sort of extravagant lifestyle could one of these $200,000 "billionaires" enjoy in Nancy Pelosi's San Francisco? So we checked the real estate listings, and here's what we found:

Eat your heart out, Bill Gates! Dream on, Warren Buffet! This palatial and elegant "billionaire" mansion (ironically located on "Clinton Park") will take every cent of someone's $200,000 earnings (sorry, nothing left over for closing costs, property tax, income tax, social security tax, food, health insurance, electricity, heating, or water).

Imagine throwing parties for your "evil rich" friends in this sprawling 376 sq foot space! Relish the envy of the middle class peasants who only wish that their estate had an actual indoor bathroom and genuine "simulated wood floor."

We could go on, but you get the point. $200,000 doesn't make anyone a "billionaire" - especially in San Francisco.

If the Democrats want to fight to raise taxes, they're free to do so...but it's time for the media to start calling them on their preposterous use of the word "billionaire" to label the wage earners and small business people the left is so willing and eager to punish.
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GOPeasement

Barack Hussein Obama is a man who chooses his words carefully. There are no acts of terror, only "man-caused disasters." Under his watch, the term "Islamic radical" has been scrubbed from the books of Homeland Security and law enforcement. When a Muslim murders soldiers at Fort Hood, or attempts to detonate an underwear bomb, or drives a car filled with explosives to Times Square, this president reminds us to watch what we say and not "jump to conclusions."

All of this being the case, when the president labels Republicans "hostage-takers" (and the American people "hostages"), we have to assume that he has not done so casually, but is instead making a deliberate attempt to be as insulting as possible...not just to the Republicans, but to the American majority that just voted them in to restore fiscal sanity in Washington. And all while reminding us that he doesn't take real terrorism seriously.

"It's tempting not to negotiate with hostage-takers," the president sneered to the Whitehouse press corps, "unless the hostage gets harmed. The hostage was the American people."

And what, exactly, were the hostage-takers demands? The end of Western civilization? Blood running in the streets? Virgins to gleefully violate for the rest of eternity?

No, the "hostage-takers" didn't want Obama to raise the people's taxes and kill jobs during the worst employment market since World War II. And Obama had to "compromise" to save the American hostages from the "harm" of hanging on to their own money and making their own life choices.

Hope n' Change would normally try to tie this commentary up with a neat little bow and some clever wordplay. But not today. Not when something is this serious.

When Barack Obama's supremely partisan political rhetoric gets this ugly, and his desire to divide our country and inspire class warfare becomes this obvious, it's really time to look seriously into impeachment. And until we do, we are all hostages.
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Too Much Information

Wikileaks mastermind Julian Assange has finally been arrested in connection with leaks. And not the ones that have largely revealed America's most closely guarded diplomatic secrets.

Instead, Assange has been charged with two counts of rape for having (what he claims are) consensual sexual encounters...but not using condoms when requested. While this may not sound like the world's biggest crime, just consider the possibility of more little Julian Assanges being born into the world, and you'll understand why his capture was considered a top priority by Interpol...the world's largest police agency with "pole" right in its name. (ba-da-boom!)

Seriously, it seems strange that a person responsible for untold diplomatic destruction and dissemination of state secrets would be jailed on what sounds like a minor charge. Wikileaks has recently revealed secret facilities which are of critical importance to our defenses, and Assange has additionally threatened that if he isn't treated well, he'll release the password for the already widely-downloaded "Doomsday Files" which theoretically contain information which will make the previous leaks look like nothing. Welcome to the brave new world of cyber-blackmail.

Assange is said to be worried about his personal safety while in custody, and has requested "protection." We encourage authorities to grant that request...to exactly the same extent that Assange did for his sexual victims.
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Bang For Your Bucks

It's the most magical time of the year! The air is cold and crisp, colorful Christmas lights twinkle in yards across America, and Walmart has video screens telling holiday shoppers to alert authorities if they spot an act of terror in the making.

Wait - what?!

As part of Janet Napolitano's campaign called "If You See Something, Say Something," 588 Walmart stores will be reminding shoppers that while most busy little elves are employed in Santa's workshop, there are at least a few (many of whom share a middle name with a certain president) who spend their time in Satan's workshop - cobbling together ugly surprises like exploding underwear, shoe bombs, suicide vests, and other weapons of terror. And if you see something suspicious, then tell someone.

Frankly, it's a good idea to remind people to be alert to wrongdoing, and to be unafraid to report what they see. Granted, this policy hasn't exactly been embraced by the Obama administration when it comes to the many individuals, bloggers, and newscasters who have spotted wrongdoing in Washington and reported it. In that case, the government's slogan is still "If You See Something, Then STFU."

Still, here at Hope n' Change we're trying our best to work up a little Christmas spirit. Even if we're feeling increasingly nostalgic about the days when "red" was simply the color of candy cane stripes, Santa's suit, and Rudolf's nose...instead of a terror threat level.
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Enriched Iranian

We admit it. Hope n' Change was initially skeptical about Barack Obama's longterm strategy for dealing with Iran's desire for nuclear weapons. Talks with "no preconditions," eternally "open doors" for them to walk through, hoping the situation will "resolve itself," and sending Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a luxurious Hickory Farms beef & cheese basket at Ramadan.

But now, all of the president's "courageous restraint" has actually paid off, and Iran has announced that they won't be importing dangeous yellowcake uranium for potential nuclear weapons anymore.

Unfortunately, it's because they don't need to import it anymore...due to the fact that while the Obama administration was standing on the sidelines, Iran developed the facilities to make their own yellowcake uranium (enriched from ore from Iranian mines).

Mind you, the Iranians can't make enough of the stuff to power the country's nuclear reactors for peaceful generation of electricity (which is their claim)...but they can produce enough to make nuclear weapons, which is better than nothing when you're a lunatic despot whose stated goal is to blow Israel off the map.

All of which makes it seem more likely that Israel is going to have to do something soon in the interest of self-preservation. Because unlike Barack Obama, they have a very clear idea of how the Iranian threat will "resolve itself" if left unchecked.
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Away With Words

Barack Hussein Obama unexpectedly flew to Afghanistan this week for three reasons: to raise the morale of American troops, to be photographed wearing a flight jacket and stitches, and - most importantly - to give him a chance to say "Tollybon."

Tollybon, tollybon, tollybon!

There are some sounds which have almost unbelievable power to shred nerves and annoy. Fingernails on a chalkboard. The cries of a baby in a movie theater. President Bush saying "nook-you-ler." But topping the list, for us anyway, is Mr. Obama's aggressively nuanced styling of the word "Taliban."

When he says "Tollybon," the word is clipped and distinct, vowels are reshaped, and the sound is redolent with exotic spices from the Far East...as if to deliberately remind us that the president deserves special credibility because he was raised in a Muslim culture in Indonesia. He spits the word out like an insult to plainspoken, unworldly Americans who lack his multi-cultural roots.

And with that one word, Barack Obama reminds us that the conversation is really, and always, about him.

Not the troops. Not the war. Not our country. Not even, truly, about the Taliban - even when speaking to the American men and women whose lives are on the line in a distant land.
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Tough Row To Ho

To the shock of absolutely no one except the experts, unemployment rose again in November to 9.8%...creating holiday visions of empty stockings for the millions of people whose unemployment benefits are about to expire, and for whom no new jobs are on the horizon. The broader index which includes former job seekers who have given up all hope (the so-called "Obama Unemployed") remains at a staggering 17%...a number which even jolly old Santa can't laugh off.

But the Democrats can!

Those mischievous elves in Washington are actually using the final days of their lame duck session trying to kill more jobs. For instance, the Democrats want to raise taxes on the small businesses that do most of this country's job creation... thereby killing their ability to expand, and probably making it necessary to lay off employees.

And big business is on the Democrats' "naughty" list too - which is why they're proposing a massive increase in capital gains taxes which will encourage investors to pull their money out of the stock market when businesses need it most. And when investor capital dries up, employees lose their jobs.

And so, once again this year, destruction of our economy is the great gift that Democrats are giving the country for Christmas. When all we really wanted was a long overdue visit from some wise men.
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Lean Forward

It turns out that there's a very good reason that MSNBC's alleged news coverage slants so heavily in favor of the Obama administration. In fact, there are 16 billion reasons...because that's how many taxpayer bailout dollars were secretly given to MSNBC's parent company, General Electric.

In fact, the bailout money quietly went everywhere - not just in the United States, but around the world; to banks, companies, private businesses, and anyone else with connections. In other words, the trillions in giveaways went to everyone except the people footing the bill: the American taxpayers. You know, the people that MSNBC is currently saying should pay higher taxes.

But MSNBC didn't mention their financial windfall when giving leg-tingling praise of all things related to the Obama administration, or hint that they were on the government payroll as surely as (other) Whitehouse Spokesman Robert Gibbs.

No, the money quietly went to things like MSNBC's advertising campaign for their new slogan: "Lean Forward." Which must have been created by a woman who didn't realize that these are the most dreaded words that men of a certain age can hear when in their doctor's office.

It means that it's time for a prostate check...and that you're about to get something unpleasant shoved up your rear end, and you'll actually be footing the bill to have it done to you.

Come to think of it, maybe that's the perfect slogan for MSNBC after all.

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Lame Duck Hunting

For two years, Democrats have largely ignored the business of running America and have instead spent all of their time on Barack Obama's priorities - like screwing up healthcare, and shoving taxpayer money down the throats of unions like geese being fattened for foie gras.

But with only days left in this lame duck legislative session, there simply isn't time to get everything done that the Dems have previously ignored. Which is why Republicans are taking a stand and preventing any legislation from moving through the Senate until the Democrats agree to a funding bill necessary to keep the government running, and also agree not to raise anyone's taxes in the middle of an economic crisis. Which sounds like it should take all of, oh, five minutes.

But nooOOooo. Before those things happen, the Democrats want to vote on the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" issue to protect the Gay rights of soldiers like PFC Bradley Manning (who lip-synched to "Lady Gaga" while stealing the Wikileaks documents) , and the DREAM Act which creates a path to citizenship (and all of those lovely, taxpayer-funded citizenship perks) for illegal aliens.

Perhaps the Republicans were discouraged after meeting with Barack Obama and other top Democrats to try to prevent tax hikes...and the presidential response was to create a bi-partisan committee to explore the possibility of negotiations on taxation and the horse it rode in on.

Hope n' Change salutes the Republicans for taking a tough and necessary stance, and forcing the Senate to finally do a little honest work before the lame duck Democrats get the flock out of Washington DC for the last time.
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