Friday, June 7, 2013
On Thursday, the Whitehouse defended its massive, ongoing collection of telephone records from American citizens by saying that they don't actually pay attention to what is said during your formerly-private phonecalls, and that invading the privacy of Americans is a valuable tool in the "War on Terror."
But since B. Hussein just announced that he's winding down the old "War on Terror" which involved (and continues to involve) radical Islamists blowing innocent people into halal-sized chunks, Hope n' Change is forced to assume that the Whitehouse must be using this valuable tool for a new and different "War on Terror."
Specifically, this Whitehouse is in terror of the American people in general, and conservatives in particular - and is actively using the IRS, the NSA, Homeland Security, and other federal agencies to clamp down hard on us. Not just through the collection of phone records, but through collection of your shopping habits, your travels, your online activities, and presumably the results of any recent colonoscopies.
Of course, all of your information will be handled in an absolutely confidential, non-political way, in much the same way that the IRS handles your personal data.
Still, just to be safe, it might be a good idea not to use inflammatory words like "patriot," "liberty," "constitution," or "freedom" when you're using the phone or Internet. You never know what mischief a couple of low-level "rogue agents" at the NSA might get into.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
In the growing shadow of the IRS "War on Conservatives" scandal, the Obama administration has just confirmed our worst nightmares by proudly announcing that there really will be a political component to your IRS-administered healthcare.
Specifically, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen "Shakedown Money" Sibelius says that Obamacare will be putting a "special focus on the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered community because for too long (they) were pushed out of the way." Which means that if you're not a member of that community, then it's time that you were pushed out of the way for awhile.
Secretary Sibelius says that the LGBT community will be getting some benefits specific to their needs, including help with smoking - which LGBT folks apparently do more of than straight folks (although we don't know if that's only after sex).
Interestingly, this isn't the first time smoking has been mentioned with regard to Obamacare recently - because in some cases smokers can be charged up to 50% more for their health insurance under the new rules. Unless, we suppose, those smokers argue that they were "born that way" rather than making the choice to light up.
Frankly, as much as Hope n' Change doesn't like the idea of sexual identity being used to assign favored or unfavored status in healthcare, we're not overly worried about it. After all, everyone's healthcare is going down the toilet as soon as Obamacare is fully implemented.
But just to keep the odds on our side, in the event of a heart attack we plan to be wearing women's underwear and a medical alert bracelet which says "trapped in a man's body."
BONUS: WANT TO VOTE AGAINST OBAMA RIGHT NOW?!
Of course you do! And one way to do it is by following this link to cast your vote for "The Coolest SOB in the Conservative Blogosphere!" You'll find my name, Stilton Jarlsberg, about 10 spaces from the bottom - and scads of other snark-filled conservative SOBs who are actively mocking the worst administration in history.
You can vote for as many SOBs as you want, but voting ends Saturday June 8th. The first place winner will be sent to Guantanamo Bay with a black bag over his or her head, and the runner-ups will be audited within an inch of their lives until the sun is a cold, dark ember.
Honestly, I can't make any claims about being "cool," but I'd like to think that there are actual files in Washington DC that prove I'm an SOB. Your vote will be appreciated!
Monday, June 3, 2013
In not terribly surprising news, it seems that Barack Hussein Obama made a devil's bargain with Bill Clinton to trade electioneering favors to help put Hillary into the Whitehouse in 2016.
This despite that Barry has previously referred to Slick Willy as a "racist," and Bill Clinton has referred to Obama as an amateur whose true calling should be serving coffee to his betters in a restaurant. And rather astoundingly, Hope n' Change actually agrees with both men on these points and few others.
Of course, none of this comes as any great shock. The IRS (and other agencies) attack on conservatives wasn't put together just to assure Barry one last shot at the brass ring. No, this huge, concerted effort has been designed to put progressives into all elected offices from now on- and while Barry got the benefit of the machine while it still had that delicious "new scandal" smell, the engine of tyranny will still be in great shape when Hillary takes it for a drive as her presidential campaign officially starts. About 30 minutes from now.
This deal also explains why Barry and Hillary are doing such an impressive job of trying to cover for each other in regards to the Benghazi debacle - you can't really sink one of them without sinking the other.
And speaking of sinking, Hope n' Change can't imagine anything more likely to create a sinking feeling than the thought of Hillary Clinton taking over the presidency in 2016, while Barry moves over to his new position as God King of the United Nations.
Hope n' Change would offer to sell its soul to the devil to keep those things from happening, but ol' Beelzebub couldn't possibly comply; after sealing the deals with Obama and the Clintons, it would represent one Hell of a conflict of interest.