Olympic Gamesmanship

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For unexplainable reasons, the International Olympic Committee rejected Chicago as an Olympic site despite Barack Obama's repeated assertions that the United States is an arrogant, war-mongering, environment-destroying country, and Michelle Obama's heartfelt speech about her father's battle with multiple sclerosis in Chicago (and really, doesn't that just scream "Olympic fun" to you?).

Assuming that the president doesn't like to take such a spectacular pratfall in public, Hope n' Change wonders just what sort of backroom pressures were brought to bear by Chicago dealmakers to force Obama to travel to Copenhagen to act as a salesman? But at least there's a "teachable moment" here: when the outcome is really important...send more troops.

Hot Topic

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Although the president was quick to "blame America first" in his UN speech about the catastrophic effects of global warming, and is pushing an economy-busting "cap-and-trade" tax on carbon dioxide, it turns out that there's no reliable weather data in existence from which to draw the conclusion that global warming exists, or that American citizens need to redistribute their dwindling savings to the rest of the world to make amends for imaginary damage.

In his inaugural address, the president said it was "time to put away childish things" and promised to "restore science to its rightful place." Well, Mr president, according to science there's no reason for global reparations, cap-and-trade, or your continuing attacks on our national image. So please... stop being childish.

Rape Rape

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Noted sociologist, Dr. Whoopi Goldberg, said on "The View" that film director Roman Polanski shouldn't be punished for forcing a 13-year old girl to drink champagne and take quaaludes, after which he repeatedly raped her orally, vaginally, and anally as she tried to escape, begged him to stop, and repeatedly asked to be taken home. In Whoopi's mind, this wasn't "rape-rape."

Other Hollywood champions of the liberal right to rape children include Martin Scorcese, Woody Allen (who slept with his own step-daughter), David Lynch, Wim Wenders, Tilda Swinton, Monica Belluci, Harvey Weinstein, Debra Winger and over 100 others in the film industry.

This would normally be where Hope n' Change would try to insert a clever punchline...but for the love of God, Hollywood, do you have no shame or humanity left at all?!

Why Is Your Ass Ticking?

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To defeat inspections and metal detectors, an Al Qaeda terrorist recently smuggled a bomb to its target in his rectum...then had another terrorist detonate it with a cellphone call. Obviously, if Homeland Security decides to start checking all passengers for butt bombs, the airlines had better plan to give away plenty of complimentary drinks before boarding.

The only good news is that the terrorist failed to kill his intended victim, and succeeded only in blowing his own bowels into harmless but exceedingly repulsive bits of shrapnel. On the plus side, after forensic experts had measured the width of the crime scene, the dead terrorist was recognized posthumously as "biggest asshole" (at 33 meters) by the Guinness Book of World Records.

Failed terrorist Abdullah Asieri shows off the one-pound bomb
he jammed up his ass in a desperate final attempt to meet girls in the afterlife.
"It wasn't hard," Abdullah said of the insertion. "The camels had prepared me."

Chicago Chicago

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Barack Obama, along with wife Michelle and close personal friend Oprah Winfrey, is traveling to Copenhagen to make a pitch for Chicago to be the home of the 2016 Olympics. Unfortunately, international visitors may want no part of the city where a high school student's horrific murder by gang members was caught on videotape.

Then again, it's not like Chicago is the home of mobsters like Al Capone, bloodbaths like the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, or serial killers like John Wayne Gacy or anything. Oh wait...yes it is!

A Good Question

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In a jaw-dropping act of lunacy, Congress is proposing a tax which would punish people for paying too much for their health insurance, in order to force them to find a more "cost effective" insurance plan. And of course, in the Democrats' opinion the only "cost effective" health insurance will be that offered through their public option (surprise! It's not dead!).

It's hard to imagine anyone else saying that raising the cost of insurance will lower the cost of insurance while keeping a straight face. But then again, Nancy Pelosi always has a straight face...

Boxed In

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The president has come up with a remarkable way to keep from getting bad news from the battlefront - he's ordered his commanding generals to alter their reports, so he can pretend that he never saw important information. Allegedly, the president had already made up his mind not to send more troops, and so sent the message that he didn't want to see any reports that said more troops were desperately needed.

This is a criminal dereliction of the president's most important job - that of Commander in Chief. And if these allegations prove to be true, then impeachment is overdue.

Math Quiz: To celebrate Obama's inauguration, he had 10 official balls. How many does he have now?