Saturday, June 4, 2011

HnC Vault: What's That?

Originally published February 20, 2009

Wouldn't it be nice if none of us had stepped in it? Feel free to scrape your shoes while you still have them...

Update 6/4/11

More than two years after this cartoon originally appeared, we all know that Barack Obama's "stimulus package" didn't stimulate squat. Oh, a lot of money ended up in the pockets of the president's friends and political supporters, and added further bloat to the size and scope of government. But in terms of creating jobs or bolstering the economy...not so much.

Yet even in the face of horrendous new job numbers, Barack Obama is out on the campaign trail telling the "Big Lie" - and claiming that his policies have created robust job growth across the employment spectrum. Well, not really across the whole spectrum, but certainly in manufacturing jobs. And not all manufacturing jobs, but at least auto manufacturing jobs. In the companies that the government took over. At a loss of $14 billion dollars to taxpayers.

And while speaking at a Chrysler plant in Ohio, the president also touted the fact that "Government Motors" cars (our term, not his) recently showed increased market share over foreign imports! Wow!

What he didn't mention is that the increase in market share came from the fact that the Japanese have been unable to build and ship many cars after their disastrous tsunami and ongoing nuclear nightmare. But hey, if Mr. Obama can spin all that death and destruction into a personal campaign talking point, why not?

Frankly, we think taxpayers would be well served if GM came out with a new product line which added airbags to teleprompters...and wire them to go off when reality and campaign rhetoric collide this violently.


Friday, June 3, 2011

Battle of the Bulge

Without a doubt, Barack Obama's favorite thing in the entire world this week has been Democrat Congressman Anthony Weiner's weiner.

Because that's seemingly all the news media wants to talk about, despite the fact that every conceivable economic indicator went straight into the toilet this week. Home prices are falling, home sales collapsing, joblessness remains through the roof, the GDP is lifeless, consumer spending is down, and debt ceiling talks are at an impasse.

In fact, the
only rising indicator in Washington DC appears to be in Anthony Weiner's jockey shorts.

Hope n' Change has found Mr. Weiner's "defense" to be spectacularly unconvincing, as he claims that some total stranger somehow hacked into his Twitter account to email a photo which the Congressman, after careful review, concedes may be of "Little Anthony." Moreover, rather than file a criminal complaint against the alleged hacker, Weiner's office is now calling the cops on reporters who ask questions about his Kodak moment.

Inspiringly, Congressman Weiner is now suddenly
obsessed with working on the serious challenges facing America...for the first time in his career, as nearly as we can tell.

For that reason,
Hope n' Change thinks that if we could get our hands on more pictures of Democrats in their fruit of the looms, our nation's legislation might look less like the fruit of the loons.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Call To Harms

For the past couple of years, the Obama administration has warned Americans of the grave dangers presented by Happy Meal toys, lopsided food pyramids, non-electric cars, suspiciously patriotic military veterans, and talk radio.

Which makes it odd that none of their well-funded research teams bothered to ask if there was any risk associated with taking a small microwave oven and jamming it in your ear.

Surprise! You've got Orville Redenbacher "Popped Brains!"

According to the World Health Organization (which must be smarter than any American organization, because it has "world" in its name), the microwave emissions from cellphones heat, sizzle, and cook bits of your brain - likely causing cognitive and memory impairment, cancers, and tumors.

In fact, some people believe that Osama bin Laden wasn't shot, but only made so many phonecalls that his brains boiled over and popped out his eye. And now, Obama can't show the death photo without sending telecomm stocks into a nosedive.

Moreoever, the president certainly doesn't want to do anything which would reduce the amount of cognitive impairment in voters prior to 2012. In fact, he'll probably be getting his teams at "Organizing America" to start initiating long chatty calls to liberals who use cellphones, just to make sure they don't regain the ability to think anytime soon.

Happily, the Wireless Industry has responded to the WHO's announcement by saying that just because cellphone use is carcinogenic, it "does not mean cell phones cause cancer."

Except, we suppose, in those people too busy talking on the phone to look up the word "carcinogenic."

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Teed Off

On the one day of the year set aside to honor America's military dead, our nation's Commander in Chief decided to go golfing. Again.

Oh sure, he dropped by Arlington Cemetery to lay a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknowns...but rather than spend the rest of the day visiting with military families or pretending to be solemnly contemplative, Barack Obama put on his "lucky golf shirt" (the one he was wearing when he was dragged off the links to see "some TV show about Osama bin Laden" in the Situation Room) and hit the greens for the 70th time of his presidency.

In fact, despite ongoing wars around the world, domestic fiscal meltdowns, and inconceivable death and destruction in America's "tornado alley," Mr. Obama has now racked up nine consecutive weekends in which he's decided the best use of his time is whacking a ball around the fairways.

And God help us all...he's probably right.


Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Auto-Man Empire

History was made last week when Barack Obama, whose every public utterance comes off a teleprompter, authorized the robotic "autopen" to sign a bill into law while the president himself was overseas drinking Guinness and singing "Danny Boy" with his long-lost Irish kinsmen.

The autopen is a machine which uses a real pen to create a duplicate of the president's signature, allowing "personally hand signed" letters and photos to be created for campaign donors and grieving military families without taking away from Mr. Obama's critical time on the golf course.

But the idea that the autopen's duplicate signature is, legally speaking, just as valid as Mr. Obama's signature is troubling to say the least. It suggests that the president himself isn't really a necessary part of the governmental process and is entirely superfluous... much like Joe Biden.

And the potential for abuse is huge. Just imagine a scenario in which someone swaps a grinning photo of Mr. Obama for a letter of resignation...the autopen signs it, and the president has no choice but to pack his bags and get out of the Whitehouse.

Come to think of it, maybe all this automation isn't such a bad idea after all.

Hope n' Change Pop Quiz: What's wrong with this picture?

Monday, May 30, 2011

Memorial Day 2011

Readers, I'm really struggling today to find the right words and sentiments to express the inconceivable debt we owe to our fallen soldiers on Memorial Day (and all other days). It took me a while to put my finger on what was making it so difficult... and then I knew what was blocking me up.


I look at these graves, I think of the loss of countless lives, and I think of the immeasurable sacrifice made by these men and women in hopes of creating and sustaining a great nation. I think of the need for every American to work to honor that sacrifice, and to try be worthy of the fallen's great gift to the living.

And then I think of "politics as usual."

Smug, dishonest, divisive, and deceitful. Politicians who say "no budget is needed" while enjoying taxpayer funded jets, expense accounts, and gold-plated pensions. Political ads showing old people being thrown off a cliff, to scare voters into supporting unsustainable debt. Politicians who lie as easily as they breathe, and who try to turn American against American by sowing the seeds of class envy, racial division, sexual antagonism, and religious hatred.

This is not what our best and bravest died for. And "politics as usual" shouldn't be accepted as a shrug-it-off clich
é should be treated as what it is: an unspeakable and unacceptable obscenity.

Although there's seemingly no end to the millions, billions, and trillions being wasted in Washington DC, I'd like to suggest one new expenditure: a fleet of busses which would carry every politician in Washington, up to and including the president, to Arlington Cemetery each morning for five minutes of silence.

Five minutes for them to reflect on courage, honor, and selflessness. And especially how to make their words and deeds honor our dead instead of staining their memories.


Sunday, May 29, 2011

HnC Vault: Reid My Lips

Originally published October 24, 2010

Senator Harry Reid has come up with a unique explanation for the reason his home state now has a disastrous 15% unemployment rate: it's because he was too busy single-handedly saving the planet to worry about Nevada and "but for me, we'd be in a worldwide Depression."

And truthfully, who can forget those exciting and dramatic days in late 2008 when
a new and surprisingly scrawny superhero appeared on the scene and worked such economic wonders? Remember when he lifted the World Bank all by himself, his cape flapping in the wind? Don't we all recall his rippling, spandex-clad body as he halted U.S. unemployment at under 8%? And it seems only yesterday that this same hero passed a gigantic stimulus bill which would have been immoveable by a mortal man!

Look- up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...

Well, we can't
say what it is. But you find a lot of it behind a well-fed bull.

Update 5/29/2011

Today's cartoon was retrieved from the vault to contrast Harry Reid's claims of being busy with what he's actually getting done. Which is to say "almost nothing."

As a case in point, last week the Senate (over which he presides) voted down the president's budget, and the Republican budget. Meaning the only thing left to vote on is the Democrats' budget, right? Wrong.

Because there is no Democrat budget - yet again - and according to Mr. Reid, "There's no need to have a Democratic budget, in my opinion."

And he's right, in a perverse way. After all, the only point of a budget is to make sure you have enough money to pay all your bills, and tell you when to stop spending. And since Reid already knows that he won't let that happen, any Democrat budget would simply be a joke.

But Americans aren't laughing, and a recent poll shows that nearly two thirds of them now want a balanced budget amendment. And probably fewer un-balanced politicians like Reid.