Cold Comfort

Hope n' Change is taking a more relaxed approach than usual today because the news currently stinks on ice. 

There's racial discord being whipped up by Eric "the stinking white police have hassled me too" Holder, the absolutely horrendous beheading of an American journalist by ISIS, and the one constant in American politics: King Barry high-fiving his pals on the golf course.

And of course, there are a couple of dozen ongoing scandals which nobody (at least in the media) seems to be interested in anymore.

Which is why Hope n' Change prefers to take positive kinetic action today on something that can actually make a difference in this world! Specifically, we're going to share with you the top secret recipe for the Hope n' Change Summer Cooler which is only served at the annual Hope n' Change company picnic and on any days in which Barack Obama has appeared in the news.

Seriously, these adult popsicles are delicious, filled with vitamins and (bonus!) are quite possibly flammable. We didn't even think we liked frozen berries until we tried these things!

By the way, they'll come out frozen pretty solid and you may want to microwave for a few seconds so you can start chiseling a spoon in. On the other hand, if you've dumped enough vodka in there, the mixture may never freeze. Which is also okay, assuming that you have a loved one hide your car keys.

The Eyes Have It

According to reports from two St. Louis sources who probably don't want their homes burned down, the officer who shot "Big Mike" Brown suffered an "orbital blowout fracture of the eye socket" when the "gentle giant" was punching him in the face.

Searching Google for images of similar injuries will cause your butt to pucker in sympathy, because clearly getting your facial bones broken hurts. A lot.

Pretty much any officer in this situation would feel that the threshold for using deadly force had been reached. But according to a growing number of witnesses, the officer didn't fire his weapon at Brown until the belligerently aggressive, 6 foot 4, 292 pound giant charged directly at him to do even more damage.

It's still too early to know exactly what happened in Ferguson - but it's not too early to say that no good can come from race-baiting rabble-rousers like Al Sharpton praising the violent nitwits burning and sacking local businesses as "liberators not looters."

It's time for the Reverend Al to make a greater effort to have his actions guided by the Good Book rather than his well-worn racial playbook.

Tee and Sympathy

Last Thursday, 2-star Major General Harold Greene, the highest ranking officer to be killed in Afghanistan, was buried at Arlington Cemetery.

Notice that we say "buried" and not "Barryed" - because the president didn't bother to attend the funeral and instead went golfing.

Of course, the vacationing president made a point of sending veep Joe Biden and...wait. What's that? Oh, we stand corrected. Obama didn't bother to send Biden either.

But he did send a remarkably clear message to members of our military: your lives, service, and deaths deserve only a 99¢ condolence card signed by the presidential auto-pen.

(Correction: an earlier version of this commentary stated that the Secretary of Defense did not attend. Chuck Hagel was, in fact, there. Hope n' Change regrets the error.)

Bonus: Vidiot

After promising (with a surprisingly straight face) a "transparent" investigation into the details of the shooting death of angelic black teen Michael Brown by a jackbooted white policeman in Ferguson, Missouri, the Department of Justice asked the local authorities not to release a security video which showed Brown committing robbery and assault only minutes before his final violent confrontation with the police.

There was concern that release of the video might "raise tensions" in the community, perhaps because certain reliably Democratic voters get feisty when they discover there's no justification for their ongoing looting spree.

Frankly, Hope n' Change is disappointed (but not surprised) that Barack Obama and Eric Holder have inappropriately federalized a case which should have remained a local matter. But with only months to go before midterm elections, it's critically important to both men to continue fanning the flames of racial hatred in our nation. And doing so with complete transparency.