The Mitts Are Off

A few hours before last night's 247th GOP Debate (the first without Dr. Ben Carson, which will free up an additional 30 seconds of time for the remaining candidates to divide), former presidential candidate Mitt "It Would Be Rude To Bring Up Benghazi" Romney took to the airwaves to attack current GOP frontrunner Donald "Flaccid Fingers" Trump.

Romney, using language stronger than any he ever aimed at B. Hussein, accused Trump of being "a phony" and "a fraud" whose "promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University." Romney added that Trump would be an economic disaster, throwing us into recession, initiating trade wars, and driving businesses and entrepreneurs from our shores.

Romney eventually finished his harangue saying Trump has a reckless temperament and "when it comes to foreign policy, he is very, very not smart."

Zing! Bang! Pow! Zooooom!

But... Hope n' Change doubts that this will bother Trump and his loyal legions in the least.  Quite the reverse; we think this will help solidify support as his fans decide that their hero is under attack from all sides, and that the old-guard GOP really is the enemy Trump's been warning about. Which may translate to a general election in which they'll pull the switch for Trump, but not help down-ballot Republicans. Consider (assuming you have liquor within easy reach) the "great deals" which would be made by a president Trump working with a Democratic House and Senate...

Because it's really the Democrats who are getting all of the benefit out of the flame wars and food fights occurring between the GOP candidates and the elite and powerful party puppet-masters.

Granted, it's not unusual for the GOP to shoot itself in the foot at election time. But perhaps a ban on using automatic weapons to do so might be worth considering.

Crystal Balderdash

Although foretelling the future isn't necessarily our specialty here at Hope n' Change, we've done a remarkable job of accurately predicting where Obama's policies would lead over the past seven years - albeit while making an effort to use the word "Hell" as infrequently as possible.

In any event, even though the results of the Super Tuesday polling aren't in yet at the time of this writing, we're going to indulge ourselves in a bit of prognostication. Which, no matter what you've heard, doesn't lead to blindness or hair on your palms.

We think both Hillary and Trump will have done very well. Enough so that each will start seeming to be the inevitable candidates. We think Bernie Sanders will get a sound thrashing owing to an interesting demographic oddity having to do with the youth of his supporters: they love rallies because they feel like attending a party, but loathe standing in lines at the polls to actually vote because it feels like work.  We also think that the overall Democratic turnout will be low because, seriously, who's really excited about voting for Hillary?

We're further predicting no favorable upsets for Cruz or Rubio, and Ben Carson needing a big sympathy hug at the end of the evening.

But now, let's look farther into the future. We'll lower the lights, turn up the creepy violin music, and ask everyone to lower their heads and join hands around the crystal ball to assure that no one can grab our drink while we've got our eyes closed.

Ah, the mists are clearing...

We see...less than a 50/50 chance of Hillary being the Democratic candidate in November owing to legal troubles currently known and yet to be revealed. We see...Bernie Sander's chance of being the nominee as zero, much like the tax rate he proposes for most Americans. Which is why we predict a 55% likelihood of...of... Joe Biden topping the ticket.

We see... Donald Trump running as a third party candidate after he is denied the GOP nomination at an ugly brokered convention. The actual GOP candidate will either be Marco Rubio or, more likely, Mitt Romney - simply because Mitt won't be covered head-to-toe in feces flung by other Republican political opponents during the primaries.

And because of this three party dynamic, we see...we see... a Democrat win for Joe "God love ya, what am I saying?" Biden and Elizabeth "The tepee VP" Warren.

Obviously, we hope we're wrong - but this is what the spirits are telling us. Then again, the only spirits we can afford aren't exactly top shelf brands.

IN REMEMBRANCE



According to the calendar, Andrew Breitbart has now been gone for four years.  But his legacy lives on and remains a huge influence and inspiration for many.

We miss you, Andrew, and need you more than ever. But your work is continuing.

Let Us Spray

Despite Uncle Joe's confusion and the ruined shoes of his Secret Service detail, this is actually a leap year in which we have an extra day of Black History Month.

But sadly, what should have been a bonus day of national celebration and reflection was tainted by an ugly incident...

After having her show pre-empted two weeks in a row for somethng inconsequential called "election coverage," MSNBC hostess and tampon fashion model Melissa Harris-Perry walked off her own show and described her mistreatment entirely in racial terms. Which she backed down from shortly after a presumed conversation with MSNBC's evil, moustache-twirling, whip-wielding legal department.

After a short cooling off period, Ms. Harris-Perry and MSNBC were able to arrive at a new business arrangement based on the network's appreciation of her unique talents and contributions. Specifically, she has agreed to never again try to enter their studios, in return for which MSNBC won't release attack dogs on her or blast her with a fire hose.

But unlike the eternally racially-aggrieved Ms. Harris-Perry, we have no desire to dwell on the past. Not when our immediate future holds...

Yes,  tomorrow is Super Tuesday - a day when millions of voters will go to the polls to avail themselves of the precious right to make their voices heard on matters which they haven't been paying any attention to.

Frankly, we think they just want to get the free "I Voted" stickers, which is why we think in future years a concerted effort should be made to give away shiny "Good Job! You're Special!" gold stars in return for staying home.

In any event, it's currently predicted that the Super-Tuesday primary results will be very, very good for Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and whichever liquor store is closest to Hope n' Change.