Friday, January 3, 2014
Anxious to put the distant and disastrous past (2013) behind him, president Obama has turned his laser-like focus squarely on the future and signed a proclamation making January "National Slavery Prevention Month." A subject close to the president's heart owing to the fact that his indescribably privileged wife and daughters are still filled like ticks with, in his words, "the blood of slaves."
The president signed the anti-slavery proclamation in Hawaii, where he is currently taking a multi-million dollar luxury vacation funded entirely by taxpayers whom he forced to work for free (singing Stephen Foster songs and turning over their pay to The Man in the big White House) under threat of severe punishment.
Technically, the full name of the proclamation is "National Slavery and Human Trafficking Prevention Month," and it seeks to cut down on slavery nationally and internationally by developing "economies that create legitimate jobs...and empower our daughters and sons with the same chances to pursue their dreams." In other words, simply raise the minimum wage and end "income inequality" by burning down the antebellum mansions of the filthy, disgusting, moustache-twirling evil rich unless they happen to work in the sports or entertainment industries.
But once slavery is handled, what about human trafficking which forces women to be degraded in the sex industry? For starters, the president is closing our borders to prevent women from being brought in and...ha, ha! Just kidding! Closing the borders is off the table, because Democrats believe it's so important to let in more potential Hispanic voters that they have no problem whatsoever with also getting criminals, terrorists, and sex slaves by the truckload!
Which isn't to say that Mr. Obama is doing nothing about human trafficking. Presumably, the president feels that prostitution represents a failed "free market solution" to the serious problem of "not enough nookie."
Which is why Obamacare has made such a point of ensuring that every female in our country has unlimited access to free birth control, abortion services, and horrendously bad role models. Clearly, the president believes "there's no need for whores when all women are sluts," and he and his media pals are doing all they can to bring that bold vision to fruition - despite the opposition of "war on women" conservatives who hatefully insist that women are actually more than interchangeable and disposable sexual receptacles.
In any event, Hope n' Change Cartoons wants every reader to be fully aware that this is Slavery Prevention Month and encourages you to plan your shopping accordingly.
Although ironically, the ongoing nightmare of January White Sales is still permissible.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
2014 is here at last, and 2013 has been retired to its proper place in history.
By which we mean that we threw a burlap bag over 2013, beat it repeatedly with an ax handle, dragged it to a shallow unmarked grave, and then sowed the ground with salt. We're also thinking seriously of going back tonight to drive a stake through its heart and stuff garlic in its mouth, just to be sure it won't be coming back.
Sadly, all of the festive Auld Lang Syne of New Year's doesn't mean we're getting an entirely clean start; we're still stuck with our same Auld politicians and problems, and we expect them to get particularly ugly in this crucial election year. Expect more race-baiting, "war on women" rhetoric, a greatly expanded "war on wealth," and of course the complete, utter, and entirely deliberate meltdown of Obamacare.
But those issues can wait until another day. Preferably a day on which we're not hungover and picking bits of confetti out of bodily crevices and nervously looking for ourselves in Youtube videos.
On a personal note, 2013 was a challenging year for the Jarlsberg family - and the friendship and support we received from all of you means more than you can ever know. And happily, the health-related problems which bedeviled us now seem to be largely (and successfully) resolved. Which is why 2014 seems to us like a year of new beginnings and unlimited possibilities. Which is also what we wish for you and for this wonderful nation.
So HAPPY NEW YEAR - and hang on tight. Odds are, it's going to be another wild ride!
Monday, December 30, 2013
After an in-depth 15 month investigation, the NY Times has issued a groundbreaking exclusive report that says the brutal terror attacks in Benghazi had nothing to do with Al Qaeda, nothing to do with the anniversary of 9/11, and were in fact caused by a spontaneous outpouring of anger over an anti-Islamic video which had been on Youtube for months without anyone paying attention to it.
In other words, the NY Times is printing complete and utter bullshit (more so than usual, even) for the sole purpose of jumpstarting the rehabilitation of Hillary "What does it matter?" Clinton just in time for the kickoff of her presidential run.
The article, based on unnamed sources seemingly from Mars, blatantly ignores all of the evidence we already do know about the (ahem) WELL PLANNED TERRORIST ATTACK which took four American lives, left others gravely injured, and pretty much signaled the end of the United States as a meaningful player in the Middle East owing to the Obama administration's feckless (and fecked-up) non-response to the bloodletting.
Despite their alleged 15 month investigation, the NY Times still hasn't been able to answer one of the most pressing questions about the horrific night: where was Obama and what (or who) was he doing instead of giving a rat's ass about a US Ambassador being sodomized and murdered?!
The Whitehouse has already issued its blessing on the NY Times account of the debacle, which is hardly surprising since it was probably ghostwritten by a well-paid Bill Ayres.
But happily, there is still some integrity and honesty in journalism. Specifically, Hope n' Change is being entirely honest when we say that we're cutting this commentary short because this story has given us a pounding headache and a growing need to upchuck what might well be blood.
Our own, that is - as opposed to the blood of Americans which is now on the hands of the NY Times.