Friday, January 27, 2012

Honesty is the Best Pelosi

After a week of ugly, bareknuckle politics from the GOP, and an appalling State of the Union speech from Barack Hussein Obama (assuming that's who he is), we here at Hope n' Change Cartoons were in desperate need of a little comic relief.

Which is why we're so glad that the Arecibo Observatory took time off this week from looking for extraterrestrials and instead used their radio telescopes to intercept a particularly amusing transmission from Planet Pelosi.

In it, Queen Nancy (who, interestingly, has no eyelids) gleefully declared that she and only she knows a horrible secret which assures that Newt Gingrich will never be King of the Earthlings. She then cackled until she grew breathless and had to take several deep hits off a tank of carbon botoxide, which is what her world uses for air.

To his credit, Newt is laughing off the entire thing and daring Nancy to "bring it on." Which could genuinely mean that he's got nothing to hide or, alternately, that he knows she would suffer just as much political damage as he would if she reveals that they did a helluva lot more than just sit together on that sofa, billing and cooling about the importance of cap and trade legislation.

Frankly, Hope n' Change would like to say we're surprised that Pelosi is actually able to get airtime solely on the strength of saying "I know something that I'm not telling," but sadly that amounts to pretty solid journalism in these sad times.

Even if it is running mostly on the SyFy channel.

The picture that destroyed two careers and a lot of appetites.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Foundling Fathers

Barack Obama has a funny way of reading the Constitution - and we don't just mean because his lips move and he touches himself inappropriately. Rather, it's his interpretations of Constitutional language which are funny - though definitely not in the "ha-ha" way.

Most recently, this has been demonstrated by his radical new claim that abortion-on-demand is a clear Constitutional right because the "pursuit of happiness" for women can apparently only occur if they can easily kill any potential children resulting from one night stands.

According to Obama, we must "continue our efforts to ensure that our daughters have the same rights, freedoms, and opportunities as our sons to fulfill their dreams." Unless, of course, those daughters aren't quite full-term which case they're not guaranteed Life, Liberty, or the Pursuit of Happiness, but will at least get one visit to Benihana.

Interestingly and, we're sure, entirely coincidentally a questionable new study has just been released (and much publicized) stating that abortions are much safer than actually giving birth. Except, of course, for the tiny little people who are killed in 100% of procedures while their moms are pursuing happiness.

It's also important to keep in mind that this is the infant-hating president who previously said of his own daughters, "if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby." Were you and Michelle "punished" twice, Mr. Obama? Is that why Michelle recently declared on national television that you two are out of the conception business? (Not that we're not grateful, mind you)

Moreover, this president strongly supports partial birth abortion in which a viable child is almost fully delivered - and then has its head cut off. Not totally sickened yet? Then try this on for size: as a Senator, Barack Obama opposed the "Born Alive Infant Protection Act." Specifically, if a late term abortion went "wrong" and a healthy living baby was born, Obama believes that the state should still have the ability to kill the child.

But what is his cutoff for "post-natal abortion?" An hour? A day? A week? And once precedent has been set, why not make it a year, or 10, or 80? Or simply any age if someone gets in the way of your pursuit of happiness?

With all of that being said, it's time for a bit of Hope n' Change full disclosure: while we are 99% pro-Life, we don't believe in outlawing abortion entirely. We think it should be a States Rights issue...and we especially think that it should be a rare procedure of last resort, considered seriously and soberly, instead of a selfish, nightmarish, and all too common form of government encouraged birth control.

If Obama wants to advance his radical views on abortion, he should do it without distorting and destroying the very clear language and intent of our Constitution. Because even though he's successfully leading the charge to deprive millions of children their rights to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, some children will continue to be born in this country.

Only without the Constitution, it won't be a country worth living in.

Nothing goes better with Hope and Change than a Soylent Pink Smoothie!

Monday, January 23, 2012

State Fair of the Union

On Tuesday night, Barack Hussein Obama will deliver what we sincerely hope will be his last State of the Union speech. And since the state of our union currently sucks, and the president can't point to a single policy success in the past three years other than his claim of taking a break in his golf game to personally kill Osama bin Laden, he's decided to focus his remarks on our glorious potential future.

In a preview of his speech sent to political allies, the president made it clear that the thrust of his speech will unsurprisingly be the same as his campaign theme: "War On Wealth."

Just kidding (barely). No, Obama is going to be proposing aggressive new initiatives to create a new Fair America in which "everybody gets a fair shot, everybody does their fair share, and everybody plays by the same rules."

In other words, we'll all soon be able to go golfing every weekend, take taxpayer-paid vacations in Hawaii and Martha's Vineyard, skip work for days at a time, and enjoy pick-up basketball games while we're supposed to be busy at our desks.

No, wait - those are still just Obama's rules.

But his speech also declared, "We can fight for where I think we need to go: building an economy that works for everyone, not just a wealthy few."

Despite adopting Occupy Wall Street's message for his State of the Union speech, it's not yet known if the Democrats attending the Joint Session will form a drum circle to emphasize the president's talking points...mostly because it's so hard to beat a drum if your hands are in someone else's pockets.

Among the other talking points the president has previewed for his speech:

• More products stamped "Made in America" (although the MLK monument, the president's "Darth Obama" tour bus, and taxpayer-funded electric cars built in Finland won't be among them).

• More American Energy - unless it has to be dug from a mine, pumped from a well, requires construction of a nuclear reactor, or if the production or transportation of that energy might "spoil the view" or discourage a caribou, snail darter, or environmentalist from having sex.

• Education and Skills for American Workers - Because for some reason that no one can figure out, the kids currently coming out of schools controlled by the nation's highly-paid teacher's unions don't know their asses from elbows.

But Obama has saved his biggest, and potentially most frightening, initiative for last:

•A Return to American Values - which he defines as "Fairness for all...Responsibility from all." And if that phrase doesn't chill your blood, let's try it in German: "
Gerechtigkeit für alle, die Verantwortung von allen!" Doesn't that sound more natural? Especially if delivered in a spit-flecked shout from behind a podium?

A lot of very bad things can happen when scared and distressed people are told by a charismatic leader that their suffering is entirely the fault of oppression by "the wealthy few" and that the time has come to fight and make them pay.

That's something important for all of us to keep in mind during Tuesday night's speech as Democrats leap from their seats, cheering and clapping, in celebration of their new Führer of Fair.

Welcome to Fair America. Hang on to your wallet.