Non-Prophet Organization

By now, the entire world knows about the horrific terrorist killings at the offices of satirical publication Charlie Hebdo in Paris, France.

And thanks to the actions of the incestuous pinheaded pedophiles who committed the atrocity,  millions upon millions of people have now seen the cartoons which dared not only to depict Mohammed, but to satirize - and thus challenge - dangerous Islamic extremism. When these murderous dimwits enter the hereafter (which can't possibly happen soon enough), we're guessing that they're more likely to get an eternal ass-chewing rather than virgins.

Unfortunately, a disturbing number of national and international news sources are actually attacking the victims - saying that the cartoonists "should have known better" than to deliberately provoke radical Islam's "mad dogs."  But that misses the important point which the satirists at Charlie Hebdo died making: it's a big freaking problem to have mad dogs taking over your streets and cities. 

Disclaimer time: No, not every Muslim is a civilization-hating, foam-at-the-mouth, murderous whackjob. The vast majority of Muslims are so peaceful and easy to get along with that they don't even go out of their way to screw up brunches, like a number of other annoying groups in the news we could mention.

Okay, with that statement out of the way, it's insanity to ignore the fact that most terrorists are Muslim and inspired by radicalized Islamic teachings. Civilization's efforts to remain in the 21st century must take that into account when providing for the safety of citizens. And the moderate voices within Islam need to take that into account when considering the future of their faith.

Let's make something clear: it doesn't take particularly big balls to do Hope n' Change. Oh sure, we're likely to get audited, get our healthcare screwed with, have our phones tapped, lose jobs, money, and friends, and get our food spit in everywhere except Chick Fil-A.

But we're not likely to get beheaded or machine-gunned. Because we have our hands full just going after garden-variety enemies of the Constitution, while the staff of Charlie Hebdo had the courage to challenge the enemies of Western culture and modernity.

Everyone who believes in Freedom should celebrate their bravery, deeply mourn their loss, and heed their warning.

Je suis Charlie.

Comforting words in a time of crisis

BREAKING NEWS: Kouachi brothers reported killed in France, already burning in Hell.

To celebrate, the t-shirt we designed for today's cartoon can actually be purchased now from the good conservatives at Dianny Tees.  The t-shirts feature the slogan "Aloha Snackbar" (which you really don't want to hear shouted in a public place), the slogan "Home of the left-handed pupu" (Hawaiian for snack) as a tip of the hat to the Islamic custom of using the left hand for backdoor hygiene, and a tasteful pineapple logo. Which, if you look closely, has a familiar-looking crescent and star motif...

Speaker Squeaker

In the most contentious vote of its kind in nearly a century, John Boehner beat challengers Ted Yoho and Louis Gohmert for the coveted title of goofiest name in the Republican party - thereby winning the grand prize of being Speaker of the House, while his opponents had to settle for runner-up awards of gift cards to Target and Starbucks.

Tea Party favorites Yoho and Gohmert each had their supporters, who raucously took to the floor of the House singing "Yoho, Yoho, A pirate's life for me" or, in the case of Gohmert's advocates (who apparently watch a lot of Andy Griffith reruns) shouting, "Well, gollleee!"

Still, Boehner pulled the vote out of the fire owing to the fact that 90% of the American people still believe his name is pronounced as if it were a coarse synonym for "tallywhacker."

"I'm delighted to again have the opportunity to work closely with Mr. Boner," snickered alleged Hawaiian Barack Hussein Soetoro Obama. Who, coincidentally, is the goofiest named Democrat.

BONUS: Body Baguette

They also think Rosa Parks was forced to bus tables.

BREAKING NEWS: ISLAMIC TERROR IN PARIS

Radical Islamics brutally murdered journalists and police today because they were outraged that satiric publication "Charlie Hebdo" had printed cartoons critical of Islamic extremism. Cartoons.

But such freedom of expression is safe here in the United States, right? Unfortunately, we think the entire world learned the answer to that two years ago when Obama visited the UN to address Benghazi after arresting a YouTube filmmaker who was critical of Islam...

Excerpts from the 9/26/12 commentary...

Obama said he was against things like attacking our embassies and killing the occasional ambassador (wink-wink, nudge-nudge)...but then repeated his bizarre assertion that none of this violence was directed at the United States (indeed, it was "an assault on the very ideals upon which the United Nations was founded") and moreover that it was all the fault of the idiot YouTube movie.

Terrorism? It never came up. But he did say the film was "an insult to all Muslims" and "We understand why people take offense to this video because millions of our citizens are among them."

But as if standing on that slippery slope wasn't enough, Obama decided to go down it on skis - declaring: "The future must not belong to those who slander the Prophet of Islam!"

Really, Barry? Really...?!

Hope and Changes

In keeping with the founding fathers' desire that we actively engage in the pursuit of happiness, we're kicking off 2015 with a change to our publishing schedule here at Hope n' Change.

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday will still be our goal - but not our rock-hard promise. Rather, we'll post as often as significant news is taking place and inspiration strikes, and we'll send out an email to everyone on our subscriber's list to alert them to come a-runnin' to the website to see what mischief we're up to. Of course, you can still just drop by like usual - but if there's not a new post don't assume that the drones finally saw through our crafty collection of disguises.

Incidentally, here's the link to the subscriber list. If you haven't signed up, go ahead and do it right now. We will never, ever spam you or tell the government who you are, even if those filthy, torturing bastards in the Department of Justice's dimly-lit dungeon try pouring water up our nose and pointing at our genitalia while playing Barney songs at ear-splitting levels.  Because frankly, that's a pretty typical bath day around here.

Why are we making this change? Because the Koch brothers' last secret payoff check didn't clear. No, no - just kidding. It cleared fine! Thanks, guys!

Actually, it just seems there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done lately. There are personal and professional chores to attend to - including some that are just plain fun (and which have been back-burnered too frequently over the past 6 years). 

Some days, Hope n' Change comes easily - there's a big story which demands attention, and it has enough of a focus that it readily lends itself to cartoon commentary. On those days, the page nearly writes itself. Slow news days, however, can be a long painful slog here in the trenches - especially when there are other items on our "to do" list which could reduce, rather than increase, our stress levels. Not to mention bring down our bar bill.

SOooo, we'll give this a try and see how it works out.  Odds are that this will represent only a slight decrease in our output: after all, it doesn't seem like either the news or our alleged leaders are likely to get any less stupid or offensive in 2015!