Saturday, February 5, 2011

Padding the Bill

They say that when you need to find something you've lost, you should look where you last remember having it. Which is why Chris Matthews' search for his missing leg tingles has led him back to Bill Clinton.

On February 21st (mark your calendars!), MSNBC presents a very, very, very special "Hardball documentary" called "President of the World," which argues the case that after leaving the presidency, Bill Clinton has become the planet's greatest international peacemaker and (in the words of Chris Matthews) a "one man Peace Corps."

Of course, this makes things a little confusing. Just who should get the credit for all of the wonderful peace we're currently experiencing throughout the world? Bill "Blue Dress" Clinton, Barack "Crackerjack Nobel Peace Prize" Obama, or maybe even Secretary of State Hillary "What Am I - Chopped Liver" Clinton?

Perhaps we'll learn the answer when we tune in Chris Matthews' big special. Unless, of course, there's anything else on television.



Friday, February 4, 2011

The Great Unifier

It took two years to do it, but Barack Obama finally succeeded in getting Republicans and Democrats to reach across the aisle, join hands, and pass legislation which will help protect small businesses from the devastating effects...of Obamacare.

Buried deep inside the two thousand page healthcare bill which "had to be passed so we could see what's in it" was a provision forcing small businesses to file 1099 tax forms for every purchase they made over $600. Theoretically, this would have raised $17 billion for the government, which they desperately needed to make Obamacare's costs look manageable on paper.

Unfortunately, experts estimated that the new paperwork requirements would be so burdensome that 40% of small businesses would either have to close or layoff employees during a time of record unemployment.

Even the president, in his State of the Union address, agreed that this ridiculous provision had to go...although we fully expect him to now claim credit for the "jobs saved" by not instituting his own paperwork nightmare.

Still, we can't imagine that Mr. Obama is genuinely happy about this new, bipartisan agreement that someone should have checked "what's in it" before passing the healthcare bill.


Thursday, February 3, 2011

We're Off To See The Blizzard

Readers, it's no joke. Here in the editorial offices of Hope n' Change, severe winter weather is causing rolling power outages which play hob (hob, we tell you!) with computer and Internet service.

Moreover, there's no guarantee that the next rolling power outage might not last a lot longer and prevent our posting an original cartoon on schedule. And if you're reading this, that's probably what happened.

Rest assured that Hope n' Change will be back as soon as possible with more pithy political commentary and painful (but constitutionally protected) puns!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Do You Feel Lucky, Punx?

Yes, today is Groundhog Day! The day when Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his hole, takes a look around at the world, then lets us know whether or not things will be getting better anytime soon.

So when the groundhog pops his head up, just what is he going to see in this strange world of Hope n' Change? He'll see the fruits of the president's "engagement" policy as countries throughout the Mideast boil over with revolutionary fervor and an uncertain future. He'll hear a president who refuses to acknowledge the seriousness of our debt crisis, and plans to borrow even more money in the belief that solar shingle research will usher in a new age of 1950's Soviet-style greatness.

And the groundhog will learn that a federal judge has ruled that Obamacare is an unconstitutional power grab because it forces citizens to buy a government-designated product...and that the Obama administration has granted over 700 wink-wink nudge-nudge waivers to politically-connected groups (40% of whom are unions), despite Mr. Obama's declaration that the system will only work if everyone is forced to pay.

The groundhog will see that House Republicans can create and pass bills...but those bills will subsequently be killed by Harry Reid in the Senate, or with a single stroke of Barack Obama's veto pen, essentially meaning no substantive problems can be solved until after the 2012 elections.

All of which would explain why the groundhog might sigh deeply, retreat back into his hole, pick up a revolver, and...and...shoot the TV.
Wait - what did you think he did?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

He's Gonna Need A Bigger Boot

When the alleged president asked us to use "words that heal instead of wound" following the shootings in Tucson, we naively believed that he meant our
sentiments and meaning should actually be healing, rather than just going to our thesauri to find ear-pleasing euphemisms for inflicting murder and death.

But apparently that's not the message that the Left heard. Which is why actor Richard Dreyfuss, who most recently graced theaters in Shakespeare's famous boobfest
"Piranha 3D," has declared that it's absolutely civil discourse when MSNBC's Ed Schultz wishes death upon Dick Cheney.

Specifically, Dreyfuss (who is unbelievably spearheading the "Dreyfuss Initiative" to encourage polite diversity in political opinions) was asked if Ed Schultz had crossed the line of civility when the frothing MSNBC host declared the former Vice President to be
"an enemy of the country" and wished the Lord would immediately "take him to the Promised Land."

According to Dreyfuss, "that’s not uncivil. That’s actually kind of a beautifully phrased way of saying something that
could be uncivil."

So if the
words are nice, then their meaning doesn't matter in the least.

Which is why we feel sure that Mr. Dreyfuss will only experience pleasure and a warm glow of multi-culturalism if someone suddenly leaps to his feet and shouts the beautiful blessing
"Allah Akbar!" while riding in the same jet as the actor.

And why we can say, in a
civil and beautiful way, that if such an incident happens, we hope Mr. Dreyfuss will be thrilled to pieces.


Monday, January 31, 2011

Riot Act

One can hardly blame the alleged president for a bit of confusion and anxiety when it comes to the situation in Egypt. Regime change is, at this point, a certainty...but very little else is.

Will a new or transitional government be more democratic...or more inclined to Shariah law? Will the demonstrations, which some people suggest have been fomented or supported by the United States, actually make the country more dangerous and anti-American? And can anyone convince Joe Biden to keep his yap shut for five consecutive minutes?

In Egypt, it seems the rioters in the streets are taking these words very seriously: "We have the power to make the world we seek,
but only if we have the courage to make a new beginning, keeping in mind what has been written."

The words were spoken in Cairo in 2009. By Barack Hussein Obama.


Sunday, January 30, 2011

Flight Schooled

As the government rolls up its sleeves to try to cut runaway spending, perhaps a good place to start would be with runway spending. Specifically, that of Nancy "Friendly Skies" Pelosi.

In the past two years, as Speaker of the House, Ms. Pelosi has demanded private use of Air Force aircraft on 90 separate occasions, sticking the Air Force (and therefore the taxpayers) with a bill of over $2,000,000.

This figure, as high as it is, doesn't include the little "goodies" that Madame Pelosi enjoyed while jetting above "flyover country," during which time she and her entourage racked up an additional $100,000 bill for snacks and alcohol.

According to a "Freedom of Information" request, for a single 5 day congressional jaunt the Speaker's bar was stocked (and we assume depleted of) Johnny Walker Red scotch, Grey Goose vodka, E&J brandy, Baileys Irish Cream, Maker’s Mark whiskey, Courvoisier cognac, Bacardi Light rum, Jim Beam whiskey, Beefeater gin, Dewar’s scotch, Bombay Sapphire gin, Jack Daniel’s whiskey, Corona beer and several bottles of wine. After which, no doubt, the high-flying Dems made nothing but positive impressions on foreign leaders, and wise well-considered decisions, when they weren't taking turns holding each other's hair back from the toilets.

In ancient times, political rulers were carried on litters by slaves. Today, political rulers make slaves of taxpayers by demanding they pay insane airfare charges. Which got us wondering: just how many taxpaying families does it take to carry Nancy's elegant litter?

If we very-optimistically assume that an average family household earns a total of $50,000...then it means that every member of 40 American families would have to give every cent they earned (not just taxes) to keep Nancy Pelosi in Air Force jets and Courvoisier cognac. If we limit their contributions only to actual tax money, then her travel habits use up all of the taxes paid by hundreds of working class Americans who are stuck on the ground.

Put another way, Nancy Pelosi isn't even bothering to treat taxpayers like litter-bearers. Just trash.