Film Flam

You remember this murderous bastard, right?

By now, nearly everyone knows two things about Clint Eastwood's multi-Oscar nominated film "American Sniper" - that conservatives have made the movie a huge box office sensation, and that liberals loathe the movie simply for existing.

The film, which tells the powerful true story of sniper Chris Kyle, offends liberal sensibilities because Kyle killed bad people for good reasons - which is pretty much the opposite of what goes on in the Planned Unparenthood abattoirs which liberals hold so dear.

Hope n' Change would say a lot more about this, and the idiotic remarks of Hollywood morons like Michael "Are You Going To Eat That?" Moore (who tweeted that snipers are cowards who will shoot you in the back) and Seth "No, Dammit, I'm Not Jonah Hill" Rogen (who tweeted that the film seemed like pro-military Nazi propaganda), but in complete candor we're experiencing wracking back pain at the moment (a handy hint: never watch the State of the Union Address on a television too heavy to throw) and so intend to wrap up this commentary as quickly as possible so we can get back to our heating pad, soothing new age music, and painkillers. On the rocks.

In summary, Hope n' Change definitely plans to go see "American Sniper." If so many anti-military liberals have this film in their crosshairs (see what we did there?) it's clearly worth supporting at the box office.

Yes, Obamacare covers the treatment of back pain.

BONUS: An Old Michael Moore Joke!

Just Like Clockwork

No, we didn't watch the State of the Union Address last night.  We didn't watch it for the same reason we didn't shove meth-crazed porcupines up our poop chute: because it would be an unbelievably stupid and painful thing to do.

According to media expectations (and how could those be wrong?), Obama's speech would outline his new, even more offensive Offensive - demanding higher taxes on the evil rich (and, oh yeah, the marginally evil middle class) in order to give away more "free" stuff to the freaking rabble, illegal immigrants, and the Muslim brotherhood.

Still, here at Hope n' Change we have a solemn journalistic duty to be fair and balanced about the president's plans for the nation, which is why we asked our new liberal correspondent to give her reactions to the State of the Union Address...

Indeed they can't, Lucy! And the fact that Barack Obama is delivering the State of the Union Address proves it.

BONUS: 2014 Cartoon Awards Announced by TheRightReasons.net!

Statue of Limitations

Today is Martin Luther King Jr Day. And what better way to celebrate the progress of Dr. King's magnificent vision than to take note of the fact that in today's America, "racism" is defined as failing to give enough statuettes to black millionaires in Hollywood.

At least, that's the opinion of Reverend Al "Taxes Is For White Folks" Sharpton, who has somehow become the ludicrous heir apparent to Dr. King's legacy. Following the announcement of this year's Oscar nominations, Reverend Al called an emergency meeting of his Diversity Task Force to address the fact that there were no black actors or directors nominated for top awards.

"In the time of Ferguson," Sharpton said while squinting into his word-a-day dictionary, "that is incongruous!"

Fortunately, the Diversity Task Force came up with a brilliant idea and announced that the always-diverse Black Entertainment Television network will now host the all-black Hollywood "Sharpie Awards."

There will be awards for "Best Blacktor" and "Best Blacktress," as well as awards for "Best Denzel Washington Movie," "Best Movie With Tyler Perry In A Housedress," "Best Movie That Oprah Had Any Damn Thing To Do With," and the "Samuel Fucking Jackson Lifetime Achievement Award" which, it is rumored, will be posthumously awarded to Ferguson's own Michael Brown for his non-moving performance in "Hands Up, Don't Shoot."

Currently, neither the Reverend Sharpton nor his Diversity Task Force has announced plans for a Martin Luther King "Content Of Character" award.