Russian His Swing

Well that didn't take long. Following a one-on-one meeting at the U.N. which gave Vladimir Putin the ability to measure the degree to which Barack Obama is a mewling pantywaist, the Russian dictator launched a surprise attack in Syria (after graciously ordering the United States to get the hell out of the way) on the anti-Assad rebels being funded and trained by the CIA.

That's right - Putin is bombing the crap out of our few surviving allies in the region, and so far the only response from Washington (via an oddly twitchy John Kerry during a live conference at which his Russian counterpart referred to him as "Joan") was to say that our country appreciates the Russians' "help" in fighting ISIS but, um, considering they're not dropping their bombs anywhere near ISIS, we should have a meeting - sometime soon! Maybe even tomorrow! - to see if we can come to some sort of agreement on their choice of targets.

As a brilliant political analyst pointed out a long time ago (okay, it was Hope n' Change on Wednesday), Putin has now made it official and uncontestable that the United States is no longer in the superpower business. We have lost our place in the world order thanks to the massive incompetence (not to mention intentional malfeasance) of the Obama administration - including former Secretary of Scapegoating Hillary "reset button" Clinton.

It's hard to overstate the danger of this current moment, as Putin has maneuvered Barack Obama into the position of having only two options: to back down entirely or to answer Russia's challenge aggressively. The first option leaves the world stage in complete disarray (with Russia, Iran, China, North Korea and others picking up the pieces), and the second option invites a dangerous game of brinksmanship.

A game in which, sadly, the United States is now clearly the JV team.

BONUS: From The Vaults...

(3/5/14)

(9/20/13) 

BREAKING NEWS: OREGON MASS SHOOTING

At the time of this writing on Thursday evening, very little is known about the sick sonofabitch who shot up a community college in Oregon (which had no armed security), snuffing out lives and dreams before the police blew him to Hell (we hope literally).

We know that the shooter (whose name we won't repeat here) was 26 years old, not a student at the college, and there are reports that he was forcing his victims to state their religion: Christians got a bullet to the head, everyone else was shot in the legs.

Only hours after the shooting, Barack Obama took to the airways to - in his own words - politicize this appalling tragedy. And for once he was telling the truth, saying that when voters go to the polls, they need to keep in mind that voting for a certain political party was essentially a vote for continuing mass murder.

Really, Barry? Is THAT your healing message for a wounded nation?!

The president lied his ass off asserting that America basically lacks any real regulation of guns at all, and claiming that no other developed nation on Earth has problems with mass shootings - a statement which would make for a pretty good satire at Charlie Hebdo if the writers and artists hadn't been massacred by zealots from Obama's favorite religion of Peace.

The president then challenged reporters to print stories comparing the number of Americans killed by terror to the number killed by gun violence - a "twofer" for the president which allows him to use still-fresh murders for his own political ends while also giving cover to radical Islamic terror.

But here's a question for you, B. Hussein - when the papers print those body counts, how often do you think the one day total for gun violence will exceed the thousands of Americans who died on a single day in September back in 2001?

Obama lectured our stupid, stupid country on our failure to control guns when it comes to mass shootings, but never mentioned the fact that in his home town of Chicago 50 people were shot over the weekend. Which happens to be the case pretty much every goddamn weekend.

So here's an idea, Barry. Why don't you take your brilliant "common sense" proposals to remove guns from the hands of criminals and lunatics and apply it to Chicago so we can see how beautifully it works? If it's a terrific success, then you can apply those same regulations nationwide to usher in a new era of idyllic peace and, as a bonus, Hope n' Change will personally kiss your ass on the White House lawn.

But if it's not, well, at least you accomplished your real goal in addressing the nation tonight: using the blood of innocents to distract the media from your foreign policy fiascos and your complete failure as a leader.

Shaky Ground

On Monday, Vladimir Putin met briefly with Barack Obama at the United Nations because he was  hungry and wanted to eat the president's lunch, drink his milk shake, and then gobble up other nations for dessert.

Actually, we think that only happened metaphorically, but we're not 100% sure because it's hard to imagine President Dweebypants being in a room with Putin for more than 15 seconds without basically giving the Russian strongman everything he wants.

The two leaders were at the U.N. to explain their differing approaches to the twin crises of Syria and ISIS. Putin believes in arming Syria and its murderous dictator, Assad, and combining forces with other nations to crush ISIS and then crush anyone else who doesn't like the idea of Putin taking over the world.

Obama, on the other hand, basically said that Assad is a stinker and Putin is on the wrong side of history, and that the United States - which has the most powerful military in the world - was immediately launching a "wish initiative" which consists of hoping (and hoping damn hard) that things will somehow magically "transition" in a way which benefits our national interests.

Mr. Obama also reaffirmed, while wearing his frowny face, that he wouldn't hesitate to use military force to protect our country or our allies (Iran, last time we looked) but that he really doesn't want to because the sort of military forcefulness which Putin is employing so successfully is "butch" and lacks panache.

Frankly, Hope n' Change is embarrassed to have this babbling milquetoast appearing at the U.N. and confirming the increasingly terrified world's belief that the United States is no longer in the superpower business. We're also depressed thinking just how much more damage this nitwit can do with his remaining days in office.

BONUS: CANNED PARENTHOOD

Cecile Richards took to the stand yesterday to defend the federal funding of Planned Parenthood, during which time she conceded that her organization has never given a single mammogram, nor does it have the equipment for doing so.

She stressed that her staffers do give breast exams, which we're guessing involves groping while making "wobba-wobba" sounds, but we're a little unsure why taxpayers need to cough up $500 million to provide a service that incoming Muslim immigrants will enthusiastically (and without warning) do for free.

Richards dismissed the damning Planned Parenthood videos as "doctored" and "highly edited," while ignoring the fact that the unedited videos are, and always have been, available to anyone who wants to see the horrors perpetrated in the name of modern liberalism (and not-so-modern eugenics).

But fortunately, this last story gives us at least a little hope for a brighter future...

BONUS #2: MARS BARS

This could be even bigger for NASA than Muslim outreach!

Attorney for the Worse

Yesterday on Meet the Press, Hillary Clinton revealed that when it came time to sort all of her personal emails ("Dear Chelsea, can't talk now because your father is humping the help again") from her vitally important, top secret, "lives hanging in the balance" Secretary of State emails ("Dear Ambassador Stevens, I can't talk to you about Embassy security now because Bill is humping the help again"), she did the only logical thing - hired lawyers to do it for her.

So what if the lawyers didn't have the security clearance to see classified information? According to Hillary, she spent her entire time as Secretary of State without having ever received a single classified document.  Which would normally make Hope n' Change ask "then how the hell was she able to do her job?!" But then we look at the state of the world before and after her time in office and realize she wasn't able to do the job.

In what may be a journalistic first, the Meet the Press interviewer actually asked a salient follow-up question, wondering whether emails relating to the work of the Clinton Foundation ("Humping the Help to Fight Aids in Africa") would be categorized by Hillary's lawyers as "work" or "personal?"

Again, not a problem! Not only did the former first lady never have any interesting correspondence with the State Department, she claims she also never communicated with the Clinton Foundation about work-related matters! So apparently, Hillary spent years doing nothing but drinking tiny bottles of taxpayer-funded booze while flying from country to country for no particular reason. No wonder she thought she was under sniper fire when wobbling across the tarmac!

Meanwhile, Bill Clinton is blowing off (so to speak) the many accusations about his wife's highly-suspicious handling of the whole email server affair, saying that the GOP is giving her a "full-scale frontal assault."

Which, we feel compelled to point out, we doubt that Bill has done in a long, long time.