Friday, March 28, 2014
As if Daylight Saving Time wasn't annoying enough, Barack Obama has just decreed that the nation must now observe Political Ass-Saving Time. On April 15, all Americans will be required to turn their calendars back to March 31 (helpful homeowner tip: this is also a good time to change the batteries in your smoke & mirror detectors!)
The reason for this bizarre development is, of course, Obamacare. Only days ago, HHS Secretary Kathleen Sibelius swore that there was no way in Heaven or Hell that the signup deadline for Obamacare would be extended past the March 31 cutoff or, and we quote, "with God as my witness may I be struck dead by lightning and spend eternity pushing the entire three ton Obamacare bill up a slippery slope of burning excrement while my liver is eaten by buzzards!"
(Side note: A full-color print of the scene she described will soon be available nationwide at Hobby Lobby stores.)
Which is why the March 31 cutoff has not been extended, but people now have until April 15 to meet the March 31 cutoff in a few very, very, very rare circumstances. For instance, if they found the Healthcare.gov website to be an impossible-to-use train wreck. In other words, everybody gets the non-extension extension! Hooray!
All of this is being done to try desperately to get at least a few more people enrolled to help disguise the utter disaster that Obamacare has been to date. How big a disaster, you ask? Try this: after all of the pain, confusion, bleeding of dollars, and disruption of real human lives and healthcare, 98% of the nation's uninsured remain uninsured. Even on its final flight, Malaysian 370 was going in the right direction more than 2% of the time.
Unlike Flight 370, however, we have experts who can tell us exactly what went wrong with the Obamacare signup and its primary goal of enrolling healthy young 20-somethings (or, as Michelle Obama calls them, "knuckleheads.")
The difficulty, according to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, is that "people are not educated about the Internet." Which is rather an odd thing to say about a generation that posts tweets, texts, Facebook messages, and Instagram pictures about their every thought, meal, and bowel movement.
Perhaps Harry will propose massively-expensive legislation to have union-certified teachers instruct the nation's 28-year-olds about this "Internet" thing and, as long as they're in a classroom, provide additional instruction introducing them to the newfangled wonders of electric lighting and indoor plumbing.
He can skip teaching them how to use a calendar, though. Because now that the president has declared calendars to be "living documents," actual dates don't mean a damn thing.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Hope n' Change is just a bit distracted at the moment, owing to the need for us to learn how to use Quicken again, enter an entire year's worth of receipts, then (because IRS forms are written in Martian) laboriously stick all of the results into our overpriced tax software and hope we come closer to arriving at an accurate return than former Treasury Secretary Tim "Turbotax" Geithner ever did.
Because unlike Geithner, who didn't even get a wrist slap, if we make a $34,000 "mistake" in our own favor, we fully expect the IRS to arrange for us to get multiple, highly kinetic colonoscopies every day for the rest of our lives inside the shower room of a maximum security prison.
Still, the risk of running afoul of IRS abuse is the price we must pay for presenting a strong Conservative voice. After all, "Free Speech is never free."
Of course, in federal prison, neither is KY jelly.
If only it were this easy...
Monday, March 24, 2014
Once again, American taxpayers are the wind beneath Michelle Obama's wings - this time flying her to China, along with every female member of her immediate family except Barack.
Theoretically, this is a Spring Break trip for the Obama girls, Sushi and Malaria, which will allow them to learn about China. Although so far, it sounds like the main thing they've learned is that hotel rooms in China cost $8000 a night, but the working class chumps back home will be picking up the tab.
The girls are also learning about dignity, humility, and respect for other cultures by observing the exact opposite in their grandmother's ongoing efforts to make the hotel staff in Beijing miserable with her unending demands. Presumably, the same ridiculous demands which are readily slavishly met while she's living in luxury on the taxpayer dime at the White House (a change of status and address which probably represented the first time in her adult life that she was proud to be an American).
While in China, the First Lady is giving speeches which encourage China to allow unfettered Internet access (presumably so that the Chinese people can be added to her husband's fundraising email lists) and the free flow of information. But you'll just have to take our word for that, because American reporters were banned from the trip to prevent information from flowing freely.
And although Mrs. Obama has said that she won't be addressing human rights abuses (because her daughters certainly shouldn't be learning anything about an archaic subject like human rights) she is hoping to reduce the current tensions between the Chinese government and the Uighurs. Specifically, she's encouraging Chinese authorities to stop calling the Muslim ethnic group "Uighurs" and go with the much friendlier "Uig-gahs."
Still, Hope n' Change can't begrudge the Obama daughters their wildly expensive "educational" trip. After all, with their own eyes (and watching their own family) they're getting lessons in hypocrisy, ingratitude, wretched extravagance, and an unearned sense of entitlement. Everything they need to learn to someday have political careers of their own.