Thursday, June 2, 2011
For the past couple of years, the Obama administration has warned Americans of the grave dangers presented by Happy Meal toys, lopsided food pyramids, non-electric cars, suspiciously patriotic military veterans, and talk radio.
Which makes it odd that none of their well-funded research teams bothered to ask if there was any risk associated with taking a small microwave oven and jamming it in your ear.
Surprise! You've got Orville Redenbacher "Popped Brains!"
According to the World Health Organization (which must be smarter than any American organization, because it has "world" in its name), the microwave emissions from cellphones heat, sizzle, and cook bits of your brain - likely causing cognitive and memory impairment, cancers, and tumors.
In fact, some people believe that Osama bin Laden wasn't shot, but only made so many phonecalls that his brains boiled over and popped out his eye. And now, Obama can't show the death photo without sending telecomm stocks into a nosedive.
Moreoever, the president certainly doesn't want to do anything which would reduce the amount of cognitive impairment in voters prior to 2012. In fact, he'll probably be getting his teams at "Organizing America" to start initiating long chatty calls to liberals who use cellphones, just to make sure they don't regain the ability to think anytime soon.
Happily, the Wireless Industry has responded to the WHO's announcement by saying that just because cellphone use is carcinogenic, it "does not mean cell phones cause cancer."
Except, we suppose, in those people too busy talking on the phone to look up the word "carcinogenic."