Thursday, June 2, 2011

Call To Harms



For the past couple of years, the Obama administration has warned Americans of the grave dangers presented by Happy Meal toys, lopsided food pyramids, non-electric cars, suspiciously patriotic military veterans, and talk radio.

Which makes it odd that none of their well-funded research teams bothered to ask if there was any risk associated with taking a small microwave oven and jamming it in your ear.

Surprise! You've got Orville Redenbacher "Popped Brains!"

According to the World Health Organization (which must be smarter than any American organization, because it has "world" in its name), the microwave emissions from cellphones heat, sizzle, and cook bits of your brain - likely causing cognitive and memory impairment, cancers, and tumors.

In fact, some people believe that Osama bin Laden wasn't shot, but only made so many phonecalls that his brains boiled over and popped out his eye. And now, Obama can't show the death photo without sending telecomm stocks into a nosedive.

Moreoever, the president certainly doesn't want to do anything which would reduce the amount of cognitive impairment in voters prior to 2012. In fact, he'll probably be getting his teams at "Organizing America" to start initiating long chatty calls to liberals who use cellphones, just to make sure they don't regain the ability to think anytime soon.

Happily, the Wireless Industry has responded to the WHO's announcement by saying that just because cellphone use is carcinogenic, it "does not mean cell phones cause cancer."

Except, we suppose, in those people too busy talking on the phone to look up the word "carcinogenic."
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25 comments:

Susan Bischer said...

I always wondered why people who use a bluetooth look so stupid - now I know!

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

I've heard it said that "life is a pre-cancerous condition". That tells me that if any of us dodge other diseases, accident and injury, cancer will get us eventually. Obsessing about it won't make it go away or make our lives any happier. Live a balanced life and with purpose and God will take care of the rest. That doesn't mean I never obsess about stuff I have no control over, but it helps me refocus and find my center...when I remember to think about it.
Finally, regardless of the reason the World Health Organization (WHO dat?) came into being, it now exists to perpetuate itself and cement it's power. Take whatever they claim with a big dose of salt.

Anonymous said...

Yep, as cancerous as pickles.

Seriously, just because it "radiates" doesn't make it "radiation".

Get real.

Jim said...

Hi! Followed this blog since it began, never commented. While I would normally take a World Health announcement that using a cell phone 1/2 hour per day for 10 years gives you cancer as on par with eating red M&M's can harm you (if you ate a train car load every day for years), I'm a little leery about dismissing this outright. I have a good friend who wore a blue tooth 8 hours a day for his job and after 3 years developed a tumor right behind the ear where he wore it. His family have no history of cancer so the coincidence seems to be no coincidence.

Earl said...

This will need to more texting. And we all know that leads to blindness.

Earl said...

I meant LEAD to more texting.

Anonymous said...

I thought only sexting leads to blindness...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Anonymous (five above)- Actually in this case, it does make it radiation. Cellphones transmit by means of microwaves - albeit with far less intensity than those with which we bake potatoes. Still, the strongest microwaves originate at the phone itself, which is what people are holding up to their heads.

@Jim- Continuing with my barely-informed discourse on electromagnetism, a Bluetooth headset should be less of a risk, as Bluetooth uses (presumably) safe radio waves (wi-fi) to transmit to an actual microwave-emitting cellphone in a pocket or someplace nearby. In your friend's case, I suppose it's possible that heat or constant irritation from the Bluetooth earpiece might have caused the tumor. ("Wow - Stilton's a clipart cartoonist and an oncologist!")

Related to this, experts suggest that people who use cellphones a lot would be better off using corded headsets, so at least the phone (and more importantly the microwave transmitter) isn't pressed flat against your head.

@Earl- I like the clever way you pretended to have a typo in order to point out the dangers of texting! Very "meta!"

@Anonymous (above)- Sexting can lead to blindness. For instance, Anthony Weiner tried it, and now he can't see any political future.

Jim Hlavac said...

If cellphones cause cancer, why on earth have I yet to encounter a person I know -- who all seem glued to the things -- yet to get it? I have no cellphone, I guess I'm safe -- ah, no, second hand cellphone! I'm doomed. I want a law to protect me! Meanwhile, it's been said that the buildings in Manhattan give off more of the REM radiation than a nuclear power plant, though that place is a bit crazy indeed. I lived there for 10 years, maybe that's my problem. Or is this a way to boost the "need" for more "health care" or is it a sneaky way to outlaw communication devices so we can't coordinate any liberty? Hmm.

First global warming, now global cellphoning. Great, the world coming to an end; any day now; as soon as a good pastor or a socialist gets the math right.

CenTexTim said...

Too much of anything can cause problems. To quote some dead guy, "Moderation in all things - except moderation."

On another topic: Stilt, I received my HnC watch yesterday.

It's the best $5.99 (plus shipping) I ever spent. It's also the opposite of liberalism. It serves a useful purpose, it provides value for the money spent, and it works. I just hope it doesn't cause cancer...

Chuck said...

@CenTexTin - mine was $5.99 with free shipping. The shipping was 10.00 HKD (Hong Kong Dollars) or $1.23 US, making the watch a super bargain at only $$4.76!

It won't cause cancer but might cause liberal head to explode. I had somebody ready to fight me because, at first glance, he confused it with a pro-Obama item. Once he saw it up close, he had a good laugh and bought me a Coke ... so the watch has already started paying for itself!

Earl said...

I got my watch just in time for Memorial Day. It's very patriotic and will be proudly worn on July 4th, etc.

Bobo said...

@ Jim - maybe the gay gene is protecting your friends from the harmful effects of cellphone radiation? ;-)

Back when I worked the road as a street cop we used hand held radar guns to generate revenue...er...I mean monitor traffic speed. I know of several officers who developed tumors in the groin and thigh areas because that was where the radar gun was usually rested when not held in the hand. And, in addition to that, when the gun was just sitting on the seat beside the officer, I am sure the radiation was bouncing around inside the car just looking for soft tissue to sink its teeth into.

on a lighter note, I purchased two H N C watches and gave one to my little brother who also follows this blog and actually dislikes most politicians, but in particular, Obama. He is proud to wear it and laughs that it lost 2 minutes of time from 8 am to 2 pm the day he put it on. Reminds him of what a loser Obama is.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Jim Hlavac- Even people who stay glued to their phones are unlikely to quickly develop problems...but ten years from now we may be seeing a lot of cancer. And it will be interesting to see if the Nannys in Washington DC decide to treat cellphone emissions like secondhand smoke.

@CenTexTim- Not only will your handsome HnC watch not cause cancer, it may cure cancer. Because not one person wearing a Hope n' Change watch has ever died of cancer! Granted, that's not precisely scientific evidence, but it's more than Al Gore has got for Global Warming.

@Chuck- See, that's the subtle "stealth" beauty of the Hope n' Change watch. The horse's ass at the center of everything is invisible to liberals...just like in Washington.

@Earl- No need to wait for July 4th. Chuck is already getting fireworks!

@Bobo- Radar Gun lap syndrome is no laughing matter. For those who aren't old enough to remember (sigh), the first consumer microwave oven was the Amana "RadarRange." And it was called that for good reason: military personnel working with radar found that candy bars would melt when in the path of their microwave radar emitters (in some cases, they pointed the large dishes at jeeps as a joke - causing other soldiers to leap out when the vehicles became superheated). Eventually someone figured out that if you put the microwave emitting "radar" device in a shielded box, you could actually cook with it. Unfortunately, if you're pointing a radar gun at your crotch, you're still cooking with it.

And thanks for the "loser" excuse regarding any HnC watches that don't keep perfect time. I'm stealing it!

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

Stilton:
When I was in the Army in the early 70's, we had a microwave oven on the lower level of our barracks building in Germany. We had warning signs posted on the upper levels advising people with heart pacemakers to stay away from the area because of it. I never met a soldier with a pacemaker, but then I didn't get around as much as others. I still hear stories about microwave ovens causing humans to become sterile.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Angry Hoosier Dad- I swear I'm not making this up (though I also can't quickly find confirmation through Google), but someone once proposed a male contraceptive device which was essentially a tiny little microwave oven for the testicles, to be used briefly prior to (ahem) procreative activities. The idea is that the usually active swimmers would be boiled alive before leaving the man's body, and lose their salmon-like ability to swim upstream, leap waterfalls, and avoid bears.

Of course, no protection is 100% perfect, so there was always the risk that nine months later the woman would give birth to a poached egg.

robert said...

Stilt et al..
as an avionics guy (professionally) I have heard all those stories about radar and more. For example, ship bourne marine radar has been so powerful that it set off loads of flashbulbs. For those of you too young to know, cameras used to take one picture at a time and if you needed extra light you had to use the flash. Then remove the bulb and put in a new one. And watch out, the old one was hot!
I also once heard a story about Russian radar. When the Americans took possession of a MIG-15 from a defecting N. Korean pilot, they obviously wanted to determine the planes cababilities. One of them was the radar. As it turns out the Russian radar was so inefficient that they compensated by boosting the power. They said the radar was so powerful it could kill a rabbit at 100'. Imagine that sitting in your lap! Ouch!

JustaJeepGuy said...

Wow, Stilton, how long have you been waiting to use THAT joke? It was funny, though!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Robert- Just because a technology is in wide use doesn't necessarily make it safe. Back in the 1920's, you could hardly find a shoestore that didn't let you put your foot in an x-ray machine (a fluoroscope which remained on instead of just taking a snapshot) to see how much wiggle room you had in the toes of your shoes. Which is why shoe salesmen, who had much more secondhand exposure, started dying of leukemia.

And how about the good old days of "read in the dark" glowing faces for watches and clocks? All you had to do was coat the numbers and hands in radium. Yeah, there was a good idea.

@JustaJeepGuy- I'm not making up the microwave birth control device. As far as the "poached egg" remark, it wasn't so much a joke as an educated guess.

robert said...

Stilt, um, I'm confused, I wasn't trying to imply that because something was in wide use that it was necessarily safe. In fact I was trying to underscore how dangerous it can be. At least I thought that was what I was doing. Sorry if I confused anybody. But the part about the glow in the dark stuff, radium was also widely used in aircraft instument face plates as well and has been illegal now for decades.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Robert- No, no...I'M sorry for any confusion! I was agreeing with you and simply adding a couple of more cases, not contradicting you!

pryorguy said...

Talkin while driving, you'll either die of cancer or a car wreck!

Jim Hlavac said...

@Bobo, that would make me nervous -- we'll be hauled into collection points to get our genes to protect the rest of you. :)

Suzy said...

We had one of those "RadarRanges" by Amana....haha...I never really put that together though as far as "Radar". Hm.

I guess texting will give us finger cancer...huh...

You know, really, in the old days, people were totally wiped out by disease and infections so now I guess we're just trading the disease and infections for radiation, cancer...all that good stuff. Oh well.

Doc - Northern Nevada said...

Just as an aside to the relatively "new" diseases and types of cancer ... as an old fart, I can remember my Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents (many who would be well over 100 y.o. if stil alive now) speaking about how 'so and so' passed on from this terrible disease called "Consumption". How thier bodies just seemed to be 'consumed' before death.

Having been involved in emergency and some inpatient medicine for over 40 years I have come to realize that cancer is in no way NEW! It has always been here in our lives, AND in our ancestors lives. We just have new and better ways of "discovering it and classifying it". Once classified - then we have to find new names for it, make drugs for it and attempt to cure it! IMHO ... we may arrest it's growth, but it is always going to be around ... just more miniscully (is that a word even?) classified and have even more money spent on it! If you have old letters, diaries, notes and things around that speak of relatives and friends dying (Yes, people used to talk/communicate by writing letters!) ... read what they say about the consumption and how the folks looked, acted, smelled and died. Then read up on a couple of different types of the more serious 'cancers'. Hmmmm ... remarkably the same!

Also, HIV/AIDS is in the exact same category. I remember an original black and white movie from the 50's (it has been remade in colr since then) about a boy in Texas who was BORN without an immune system. Called "The Boy in a Bubble", who lived in a futuristic plastic bubble so he would not be exposed to ANY organisms that would kill him! Sure sounds to me like he had that "new" disease that popped up 20 or so years later - called HIV/AIDS - except you did not hear about until about 2 decades later, when it was "found and classified".
'Nuff said.
Doc