Monday, June 13, 2011

Waterlogged



Feeling that it's his patriotic duty, a California salvage diver is launching an expedition to find and photograph the rotting crab-nibbled corpse of Osama bin Laden in order to prove to himself and the world that the Al Qaeda leader is, quite literally, sleeping with the fishes.

Bill Warren is renting a ship and a remote-controlled submarine at a cost of $400,000 because he feels that the Obama administration should have released the death photos, the way previous administrations have released postmortem photos of Billy the Kid and John Dillinger.

Unfortunately, mentioning "John Dillinger" brings to mind a potential flaw in Mr. Warren's plan, especially in these media-happy days of Anthony's Weiner. It seems that the most famous death photo of John Dillinger suggests that he was enjoying being dead (to put it mildly) and gave rise to subsequent rumors that the Smithsonian Museum put Dillinger's Dingus in a jar of formaldehyde. Which, now that we think of it, might also solve Anthony Weiner's problem.


But what will Bill Warren do if he finds Osama's corpse in a similar condition? Will he be unable to show the world his photos? Or if he does show them, will we have to hear Barbara Walters emit more lip-smacking "nom, nom, nom" sounds about Osama's brine-soaked willy?

Rather than run this appalling risk, we think Barack Obama should finally release the death photos of Osama bin Laden and be done with it...instead of flashing the pictures to just a few "close friends," Anthony Weiner style, in hopes of impressing them with his manhood.


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True fact: Dillinger died thinking of Barbara Walters.
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21 comments:

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

Good luck, Bill. Watch out some Islamic nut-job doesn't come after you for insulting their phony-baloney god.
As for Obama's "manhood"...don't sweat the small stuff. It's in the same category as jobs, created or saved.

Pete(Detroit) said...

Nice caption on the pic, Stilt.
Of course, back then, Baba was only 30, and still kinda hot...
still couldn't talk worth a crap, tho.

robert said...

So, I guess this shows Dillinger was taller laying down than standing up?

Suzy said...

Obama is a man who has FAR too many secrets, and enjoys keeping them FAR too much. Reminds me of grade school: "I know something YOU don't know, neener neener NEE ner!!!!"

I guess I could have changed that last quote into a relevant pun, but I'll let somebody else do that....ha.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Angry Hoosier Dad- I can't imagine there's actually much left on the ocean floor to find (unless Warren got some inside intel that a beacon was respectfully inserted in Osama's southern border in accordance with traditional burial customes).

@Pete(Detroit)- I assume that Barbara's speech impediment is, like Barney Frank's, due to some unexplained oral trauma.

@Robert- It's hard to keep a good man (or in this case, a bad man) down.

@Suzy- Obama loves keeping secrets, including the secret of why he still claims to have a transparent administration.

Sam L. said...

If it was sticking out, that's where the crabs would have started.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Sam L- Wouldn't it be ironic (and delightful) if it were 72 virgin crabs?

Andrew said...

Love the 72 virgin crabs notion of Paradise.
As I recall, crabs aren't halal. So he's being eaten (pretty much BEEN eaten by now if they dumped him in the standard wrapper) by unclean creatures.

Though I'd rather have seen the body stuffed with bacon, covered in lard and on display at Ground Zero.

Chuck said...

I understand not wanting to show the pictures. We mustn't do anything to offend the adherents of the religion of peace lest they use it as an excuse to show us once again just how peaceful their religion is.

Yeah, like they need an excuse ...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Andrew- "Eaten by unclean creatures." I like the sound of that...even though I, too, would have preferred your second scenario.

@Chuck- Maybe the pictures wouldn't inflame the Muslims. After all, Anthony Weiner's wife is Muslim (really!) and she hasn't flown into a terrorist rage over his pictures. Gosh darn it, maybe they're better sports than we've been giving them credit for!

Earl said...

I like knowing that Osama (almost wrote Obama) is either already or in the process of becoming sea poop. I hope lots of critters large and small get a nibble of him.

Anonymous said...

Sorry but that photo of John Dillinger is not anatomically correct. Even if his Anthony was huge, it wouldn't poke up in that region. That's about mid-chest, his crotch is about two feet further down. Still funny though.

badlarry said...

Our fifth grade class got kicked out of the Smithsonian for repeatedly asking any of the tour guides we could find if they'd show us where they kept Dillinger's schlonger.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Anonymous (two above)- While a quick glance would seem to indicate you're correct, it's possible that Dillinger had Peyronie's Disease, which causes the masculine member to bend in unusual directions when at full attention. Ergo, Mr. Dillinger's dingus might indeed originate in the standard location, but terminate considerably higher up his torso if standing at a 135 degree upward angle and was (as rumored) 22-inches long.

@Badlarry- They won't show it to you if you just ask. You have to threaten them with a fake gun carved out of soap and painted with shoe polish. Don't they teach anything in fifth grade anymore?

badlarry said...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...
Don't they teach anything in fifth grade anymore?


When our teacher found out why 23 kids got kicked out of a national museum 4 ½ hours before we were scheduled to go home we learned a some new words.

Pete(Detroit) said...

Whoah!
22 inches, and enough blood to elevate it AFTER death.
Sorry, but that's right up there w/ GORE-Bull warming - unless some medical type says otherwise..
Was kinda under the impression that that 'overlarge' guys like (claimed)that tended to get 'firm' but most definitely NOT "elevated" (whole hydro dynamics thing, and all that)
Then again, may be wrong - not like I (often) to claim to know EVERY thing..

moronpolitics said...

OK, first we had Titanic, then that giant Dances with Smurfs movie. Now, we can wrap it all up with a 'JFK-esqe' 3-d underwater "UBL" proving that uh.... um.... Christ what would this one prove? That people will shell out 30 bucks a pop to sit in the dark and eat another 20 bucks worth of popcorn? I say that the problem with movies today is they need to bring back the intermission. No, young'ns that ain't nothin' to do with bodily flooids.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@badlarry- Well then, everything worked out! (grin)

@Pete(Detroit)- It's my fault for getting this whole subject started (Mrs. Jarlsberg is unamused by the entire direction of today's comments), but as long as we're discussing postmortem tent-pole syndrome, apparently some of the processes which occur after death can cause internal pressure to be rise in a number of bodily tissues... including the male member. In fact, the decompositional gasses may not only inflate the reproductive apparatus but, in severe cases, cause it to explode. Which, considering the Howitzer under that sheet, could be genuinely dangerous.

@Moronpolitics- "The Search for Osama 3D!" I wish I could say this would never become a movie, but now that you've mentioned it I think it's pretty plausible!

Bobo said...

They should get Geraldo "Anti-Climatic" Rivera to narrate the movie and build up the suspense to opening what is supposed to be Davey Jones' Locker to find UBL not inside (ala Al Capone secret vault).

I've wondered if the schwantz could be erect post mortem. I know from collision investigation experience that if a person sustained paralysis below the waist during the crash their dingy became a cabin cruiser.

Anonymous said...

Bobo said...

I've wondered if the schwantz could be erect post mortem.


God...I'm sad to admit actually knowing this, but it has a name, "angel lust". Seriously.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_erection

Pete(Detroit) said...

"De-compositional detonation"
OMG, Zombie Bombs!

(and yes, THAT I'd believe)