Friday, September 23, 2011
It is widely known that in Life and the Obama administration only two things are certain: Debt and Taxes. But we think it may be time to add a third truism: "Every time the administration announces how it plans to help the economy, the stock market is going to crash."
On Wednesday, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke announced "Operation Twist" which will sell off short-term treasury notes and buy more long-term U.S. debt. The somewhat incomprehensible words were barely out of his mouth before the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged more than 700 points over the course of two trading sessions.
Fortunately, thanks to Barack Obama's recent speeches about the "Buffet Rule," we now know that all investors are evil bastards who pay no taxes at all and deserve a good fiscal spanking, so no one important got hurt.
What's that you say? You're in the middle class and your retirement savings are invested, and you just saw a huge drop in your portfolio? That's because you were evil and didn't know it!
Meanwhile, NASA's dead Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite is expected to fall out of orbit today, causing 6.5 tons of flaming debris to come crashing down... somewhere. NASA experts aren't yet able to predict the exact places where You Really Don't Want To Be because, thanks to their new focus on Muslim Outreach, they're only allowed to do calculations using an abacus.
So perhaps they should let Ben Bernanke take a crack at it. Because it really wouldn't matter what answer he finally came up with...we could be sure that the really catastrophic damage will occur on Wall Street.