Friday, September 9, 2011
Last night, after keeping jobless Americans in suspense thoughout the first two and a half years of his administration, a lengthy vacation in Martha's Vineyard, and an emergency Camp David vacation last weekend, Barack Hussein Obama finally revealed his all-new, mind-blowing "American Jobs Act."
And it is...(drum roll, please!)...Shovel Ready Jobs and Higher Taxes!!! (Cue "Happy Days are Here Again" as confetti and balloons shower down on the president, while Democrats leap to their feet in the House, barking like seals and smacking their flippers together.)
Seriously, folks - that was it. Although Professor Obama made sure to change up the rhetoric a little, to distract from the fact that this same plan has now failed repeatedly on his watch. For instance, the "shovel ready" jobs that failed to materialize last time will now be work on roads and bridges and highspeed railroads and airports...absolutely all of which can be started immediately without the need to do environmental impact statements, secure the land to build on, or actually do engineering design. Nope, these projects are ready...just not shovel ready. In fact, no digging of any kind will be allowed for any of these projects, just to deny Fox News any talking points.
Barack Obama will also be creating jobs by extending unemployment benefits yet again! And while some people might not quite follow the logic of how paying people not to work creates jobs, the Democrats in the audience war-whooped, fist-pumped, and set off Roman Candles about the president's brilliance.
The president also dedicated himself to making Social Security more "secure" by saying that he was going to wipe out the employers' portion of Social Security tax. Because cutting Social Security revenue by half will somehow reassure everyone that when they need their retirement money, it will be there. No doubt because Timothy Geithner is still using TurboTax to calculate the numbers.
Barack Obama then declared that his Jobs Act would pay for the refurbishment or building of 35,000 schools across America, because "every child deserves a great school!" Although technically, it would seem that the kids only deserve a great school building, because Obama and his party are still 100% opposed to letting kids choose to attend schools that give great education.
Of course, all of these "new" ideas won't be cheap...with cost estimates running as high as $450 Billion dollars. Fortunately, the president assured the now foaming, orgasmic Democrats that it will all be paid for!
"I'll give details in about 10 days," Mr. Obama said...making us think that if he'd used the 10 days in Martha's Vineyard working on our business, he could have been prepared in time for last night's speech.
But the president at least hinted broadly that his clever funding plan would involve two major components. The first: asking a cost-cutting committee to find more costs to cut, because that's always worked so well in the past. And the second: jack up taxes on the Evil Rich.
Although Obama isn't calling them the "Evil Rich" anymore. Nope - now he just wants to squeeze the "fair share" out of "our most fortunate citizens." Which rather strongly implies that people in upper income brackets don't work or create anything, they just happen to be "winners of life's lottery," as a previous Democrat once said.
In other words, if the means by which "billionaires" earn $200,000 a year isn't fair, then it's impossible for any plan to take the money away from them to be un-fair.
All in all, the president didn't present a single new idea in this speech which required an unprecedented Joint Session of Congress. But he did debut a new phrase, which he shouted endlessly and sternly: "YOU SHOULD PASS IT RIGHT AWAY!"
He was referring to his alleged Jobs Plan, of course, although it sounded like he just might be referring to a singularly large kidney stone.
They're both about equally welcome...equally painful...and both equally useless in ending the Obamaconomy's nightmarish level of unemployment.