Although Barack Obama is the one currently soliciting campaign donations from the Evil Top 1% in Hollywood, it's Janet Napolitano who is getting a "screen test" - and it's not looking good for her.
Specifically, a new classified study of the TSA's methods of screening and security methods is so scathingly bad that Republican Representative John L. Mica told reporters "the failure rate for body scanning equipment would knock your socks off."
Okay, maybe the new technology isn't perfect - but a good old-fashioned "hands-on" pat down is still effective, right?
According to Mica, who originally helped create the TSA, the failure rate for pat downs is "off the charts" and the TSA's performance report would read "sort of like the record of the Marx Brothers."
Okay, technology and hands-on methods are currently failing. But that still leaves Napolitano's greatest weapon in the war on terror: our brains! Because TSA agents are now being trained in the quasi-science of "behavior detection" and interview techniques like those used by the Israelis. And that program is going great!
Actually, we were totally lying about the "great" part - but we would have easily fooled the TSA interviewers, whose handling of the new methods is described by Mica as "an idiotic mess."
All of which is a bit disconcerting considering that the government has warned us of greater terror threats following the death of Osama bin Laden. And still greater threats after the death of Anwar al-Awlaki. And then greater greater greater threats after Muammar Gaddafi's recent bloody mangling.
But what could possibly be done to improve the screening methods? According to Rep. Mica, the whole program should be turned over to private enterprise which could do the job better, and for less money. Currently, the positions are filled by federal workers because, in Mica's words, "TSA cooked the books" to hide the fact that the private sector agents would cost taxpayers less.
All of which makes us think that the first major step in establishing true security for our country should be to throw out the full-body scanners, throw out the pat downs, throw out the stupid interview questions...and replace them all with a really topnotch Bullshit Detector.
And we'd also like to suggest that Janet Napolitano get the honor of being the first one forced to walk through it...just to make sure the flashing lights and clanging bells are working properly.
Bonus: We mentioned above that Obama is fundraising in Hollywood. As part of that trip, he stopped by the famous "Roscoe's Chicken" in L.A. to shake a few hands. Which gave us a creepy feeling of deja vu...but where had we seen this before?!
Then it came to us (as it should to any fans of the wonderful show "Breaking Bad"). It's a separated-at-birth likeness of murderous drug-kingpin Gus Fring shaking hands at his chicken restaurant, Los Pollos Hermanos. Which we now think should be called "Los Pollos Obamos," because these two could definitely be brothers.