Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Screen Test

Although Barack Obama is the one currently soliciting campaign donations from the Evil Top 1% in Hollywood, it's Janet Napolitano who is getting a "screen test" - and it's not looking good for her.

Specifically, a new classified study of the TSA's methods of screening and security methods is so scathingly bad that Republican Representative John L. Mica told reporters "the failure rate for body scanning equipment would knock your socks off."

Okay, maybe the new
technology isn't perfect - but a good old-fashioned "hands-on" pat down is still effective, right?

According to Mica, who originally helped
create the TSA, the failure rate for pat downs is "off the charts" and the TSA's performance report would read "sort of like the record of the Marx Brothers."

Okay, technology
and hands-on methods are currently failing. But that still leaves Napolitano's greatest weapon in the war on terror: our brains! Because TSA agents are now being trained in the quasi-science of "behavior detection" and interview techniques like those used by the Israelis. And that program is going great!

Actually, we were totally lying about the "great" part - but we would have easily fooled the TSA interviewers, whose handling of the new methods is described by Mica as
"an idiotic mess."

All of which is a bit disconcerting considering that the government has warned us of greater terror threats following the death of Osama bin Laden. And
still greater threats after the death of Anwar al-Awlaki. And then greater greater greater threats after Muammar Gaddafi's recent bloody mangling.

But what could
possibly be done to improve the screening methods? According to Rep. Mica, the whole program should be turned over to private enterprise which could do the job better, and for less money. Currently, the positions are filled by federal workers because, in Mica's words, "TSA cooked the books" to hide the fact that the private sector agents would cost taxpayers less.

All of which makes us think that the first major step in establishing true security for our country should be to throw out the full-body scanners, throw out the pat downs, throw out the stupid interview questions...and replace them all with a really topnotch
Bullshit Detector.

And we'd also like to suggest that Janet Napolitano get the honor of being the first one forced to walk through it...just to make sure the flashing lights and clanging bells are working properly.

Bonus: We mentioned above that Obama is fundraising in Hollywood. As part of that trip, he stopped by the famous "Roscoe's Chicken" in L.A. to shake a few hands. Which gave us a creepy feeling of deja vu...but where had we seen this before?!

Then it came to us (as it should to any fans of the wonderful show "Breaking Bad"). It's a separated-at-birth likeness of murderous drug-kingpin Gus Fring shaking hands at his chicken restaurant, Los Pollos Hermanos. Which we now think should be called "Los Pollos Obamos," because these two could definitely be brothers.

-----"It's not class warfare - it's math!"----------------"It's not finger lickin' good - it's meth!"


Coon Tasty said...

Ah, but will Obama get to have his own "Face Off" scene...?

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

I assume the primary reason the study is classified is that the regime doesn't want the American public to know how pointless and ineffective their humiliation and degradation has become. That they don't want the terrorists to know is an afterthought.

Coon Tasty said...

I think that their use of humiliation and degradation has been *extremely* effective. - I will never, ever travel to the USA now, knowing what immense bullcrap I will be subjected to. Sadly, illegal Hispanics don't *fly* into the USA.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

I'm with Coon Tasty. I have not flown since the implementation of "take your shoes off", bthe for the increasing pressure against my 4th amendment rights, the inability to carry essentials as well as a simple cup of coffee, and the fact that the process of passing through the metal detectors was never efficient long before the added scrutiny of anyone who did not look like an Arab (you would probably get through faster is you stained your skin, put on a turbin, and adopted a wild-eyed look...) And now you tell me it was all for naught? Say it ain't so!

Just our federal government at work; doing what they do best...

My Dog Brewski said...

TSA exists to provide employment for sadists, granny-feelers and pedophiles. You know...Obama's base.

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

BTW, that Napolitano dude has some mildly feminine features. Who names their sons "Janet"?

Pete(Detroit) said...

AHD - Nice one!
Tempting to make a comparison to a Famous British Singer (who achieved notoriety on a contest show) but that would be unkind to the singer.
Suffice it to say that a comparison to the back side of a rhinoceros would also be unfair to the rhino's butt...

Earl said...

Love the comparison between Obama and Gus and the "math vs. meth" angle. Obama spoonfeeds lies to his followers and they're too dumb to realize the math doesn't add up. This makes him the Opiate of the masses. Obama surely has disdain for the people whose votes he seeks. And if he actively hates the rest of us, there's no one left to care about. Except himself.

John the Econ said...

Literally a decade and how-many-billions-of-dollars wasted, and we're little better off than had we done absolutely nothing. In the end, it's all theater to make the rubes think the government is making them "safe" and an excuse for the federal government to hire (and eventually unionize) tens-of-thousands of people to the net detriment of the economy.

That we even have debates about how government should service other "vital" public needs, such as "health care" is simply absurd when we repeatedly witness the blatant incompetency and ineffectiveness of government operations such as the TSA. Any intelligent being would insist that they show some level of competency at what they already do, before handing over more responsibilities to them.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Angry Hoosier Dad- Adding to the irony of the TSA report being classified, you may recall (or look at the 12/10/2009 cartoon) that the TSA posted their "secret" security manual online believing that the sensitive bits were blocked out...but they weren't. So potential terrorists have been given the TSA's playbook, but Americans are forbidden from finding out how inept the TSA is.

@Coon Tasty- Even though they don't fly into the country, Hispanic immigrants are still required to remove their shoes when they wade across the Rio Grande.

@Emmentaler- Until now, there's probably been at least a small benefit from terrorists' beliefs that the TSA's system is somewhat effective. But like any placebo effect, it stops working when you discover the ruse.

@My Dog Brewski- I sympathize with the non-perverted members of the TSA (and I assume that's the great majority). It's a crappy job, but in this economy I can't blame anyone for hanging on to any paycheck they can find.

@Angry Hoosier Dad- The name "Janet" was a typo on Napolitano's birth certificate. It was supposed to say "Jam it".

@Pete(Detroit)- Because tact is important, I'll just say that Ms. Napolitano's beauty is matched only by her efficiency.

@Earl- Interesting to think of Obama as an addictive drug; there's the initial high, but that soon passes and the users find themselves out of work, out of money, and stealing from others to try to get it back.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- I couldn't have put it better. Before another dime is spent enlarging the government, we should demand proof that any government service is run as effectively and cost-efficiently as a private sector business.

And as long as I'm wishing, I'd like to see a study comparing the effectiveness of our current airport security system versus a new system which consists only of making every aircraft passenger eat a slice of bacon before boarding. I'm betting that bacon would give us 10 times the protection at 1% of the cost.

For those unwilling to eat bacon, let them fly on a Muslim-only airline with no annoying security whatsoever. To keep costs down, there won't be many flights...but passengers should be fine if they Mecca reservation. (Ba-da-BOOM!)

JIm Hlavac said...

I have had to fly multiple times a year for the past decade -- and it just gets sillier and sillier. They claim they have a machine that can look into every crevice of your body - but one still has to take one's shoes off, and belt -- what could be in a belt? And couldn't I take it back off on the plane and strangle the guy who brings me coffee and seize the plane? And empty the pockets right before they look under my clothes -- what, they can't see my keys with this wondrous machine? And take the laptop out, as if the machine can't see through the carrying case. Bizarre. I fly one way often, too, so I sometimes get the special treatment, after the machines, after the disrobing, now they got to feel me up? And millions of us go through this to find nothing? Mom's with kids, grandmas who can barely walk, paunchy old businessmen -- all treated like a herd of criminals by people with GEDs. So let's get rid of the TSA and figure out something else.

Meanwhile, I do note that often, though unspoken, there's always a few guys who make eye contact with the expression of "if anything happens, we're going to stop it."

John the Econ said...

I love bacon! I fully support replacing the TSA with bacon.

I used to fly at least once a month. Not anymore. It's become such a painful and annoying experience. The whole trip is a reminder of how incompetent, invasive and wasteful our government has become. I literally cringe when I plan a trip now.

I think it was Mark Steyn who observed that King George only wanted to tax us a little bit more. Today's federal government literally wants to see you naked and stick it's fingers up your body cavities.

Coon Tasty said...


I liked Ann Coulter's idea, i.e. let them use flying carpets.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

I say eat bacon (or ham, if you prefer). If they refuse, then they step up to kiss a pig's ass. If they still refuse, they get to watch dramatizations of southern preachers tossing their holy crayons on a fire. Finally, for the really sneaky ones, make sure all the flight attendants are nekkid and all the pilots are armed

If my four-point airlines safety plan don't trip them up, I don't know what will - and all at a much lower cost than the current mess.

(Curious: Are any of the TSA employees currently ogling nekkid wimins via them thar fancy scanners devout Moo-slums?! Well, I guess not...)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Jim Hlavac- From a strictly defensive outlook, whenever I fly I try to think how I can turn permissible objects into weapons in case things get funky. So I'm sure the bad guys are doing the same thing. Although as you point out, now that passengers are making eye contact and have a "take the bastards out" mindset, I don't think you can commandeer a jet by choking a flight attendant with a belt.

@John the Econ- One of the things I like about teleconferencing with Skype is that it eliminates the expense and intrusion of flight. Plus, my drinks are cheaper.

@Coon Tasty- I thought they were referred to as prayer rugs?

@Emmentaler- When airlines insist on bacon sandwiches, hog kissing, and nekkid attendants, I may start flying places when I don't even need to go anywhere.

Pete(Detroit) said...

Only issue I have w/ the pork test is all our friendly Jewish associates... double bummer on them...

JustaJeepGuy said...

How about a simpler test: First, you wipe your feet on a Koran. If you ARE willing to tromp on the Koran, you're probably not going to hijack a plane. If you're unwilling to do that, you go through the full-body scanner/orifice-probe test. Also, you then have to sit in a special secure area where you don't have access to the cockpit. And if you get out of your seat, you get thrown off the plane, no matter the altitude.

pryorguy said...

Breaking Bad is the best! And youre right...he could be Gus, only thing is...Obama is twice the crook Gus is! (Loved the 'face off' too!)

The TSA needs to be hooked to Obama's ass and drug off into the sunset with him!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Pete(Detroit)- Yes, the bacon screening could be hard on our Jewish friends. Perhaps they could be screened with a rapidfire spelling test of random Yiddish words.

@Pryorguy- I've already got withdrawl symptoms from Breaking Bad and will find it hard to wait another year for more. And I love the fact that I've never really detected a political slant to the show.

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

re: Your response to Jim...
I work with polycarbonate plastic (lexan) and thought about turning a one inch X eight inch piece of 3/16 lexan into a blade. It is flexible enough that it could be slipped between the layers of a belt and may be undetectable to x-ray. Don't know for sure. It may not hold an edge for long, but probably long enough and it won't break off inside the body of some unfortunate Islamoscum terrorist who happens upon the sharp end. Just a thought. Since all my flights are one way to twelve thousand feet, I have no real opportunity to test this.

John the Econ said...

Meanwhile at the "Occupy" movement, Mrs. Econ found this gem:

Savor the irony, on so many levels. The freeloaders are upset that other freeloaders are freeloading on their free organic fare, and the kitchen staff is on revolt, as they are feeling “overworked and underappreciated.” Welcome to the club, guys! When things are "free", demand universally exceed supply, be it subsidized medicine, education or organic chicken and vegetables, spaghetti bolognese, and roasted beet and sheep’s-milk-cheese salad.

"Today, a limited menu of sandwiches, chips and some hot food will be doled out -- so legitimate protesters will have a day to make arrangements for more upscale weekend meals."

Because gawd forbid that anyone should be made to live on a "limited menu" of non "upscale" meals for any length of time for any cause.

Oh, so if the evil bankers are the "1%", and you guys are the "99%", then what are the "vagrants and criminals" and "professional homeless people" who wish to join in on your little movement, but you wish to exclude?

Meanwhile, another group of occupiers engaged in violence to protest violence elsewhere. Makes sense to me.

Many of the female protesters are leaving as the situation continues to deteriorate. (The better-looking ones will be the first to go, I am sure) As they flee, expect the guys there just looking for easy hippie nookie to soon follow.

I think we've seen the peak of the "occupy" movement; It's all downhill from here. As winter approaches and things get less comfortable outdoors, expect the movement to dwindle completely. It's a shame, because it's such a wonderful high-profile demonstration of leftist intellectual dysfunction that just kept giving. And it's always fun watching hippie socialist idealism meet cold, hard reality. And it was a total gift seeing the Democrats get sucked into it.

Pete (Detroit) said...

Thanks John, that was HILL-arious!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Angry Hoosier Dad- An interesting addition to our (ahem) purely hypothetical discussion about how to carry defensive weapons onto a plane. And ironic that the TSA's seeming failure to detect serious weapons is the reason that we're having this conversation.

@John the Econ- What a delightful story! The OWS types want to enjoy an "upscale" menu for themselves, while forcing those most in need to either go without food or make do with a pitiful "safety net" of boiled brown rice.

I think we are nearing the end of the OWS fad, though as protesters get more tired and more frustrated as their numbers dwindle, I think the possibility of violence will rise. They still want their "Kent State" moment to prove that they're being Oppressed By The Man. Failing that, a good hard freeze should send them back to their parents' basements.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

@John - I nearly busted a gut laughing when I read that. The other notable news is, as predicted, the 0.999999%ers are chaffing at the 0.000001%er who is controlling the $500K of donated ($oro$) money and "not sharing".

Thankfully, Ă˜bama and crew have handily tied their little red (in more ways than just color...) wagon onto these dolts and, if justice prevails, will reap the rewards of having done so in the polling booths across the USA - if not sooner, for some. This is rich! (Pardon the pun.)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- since we're chatting about the OWS crowd, I really enjoyed this provocatively titled article called "Over 2400 Tea Partiers Arrested" which demonstrates the hypocrisy of the media.

pryorguy said...

John the Econ....loved that article! The reasonable section of our country is fed up with this 60-ish 'protest movement'. It is very ironic as these 'useful idiots' are being urged on by the big money they are down there supposedly protesting! They don't realize it, but they are putting their homeland in danger!

John the Econ said...

Yes @Stilton, the former hippies of the media establishment sure do treat the Tea Party different from the OWS movement, don't they?

Remember how pissed off they got 17 years ago (wow, has it really been that long?) when "Forrest Gump" came out? It was the first mainstream movie that dared to openly paint those behind the counterculture & protest movements in anything other than a pure, heroic or even sympathetic light. And boy they hated that movie and panned it every way they could. And yet, it was a smash success. Concurrently having to contrast OWL with the Tea Party must be excruciatingly painful for these people.

John the Econ said...

@pryorguy, I believe that the vast majority of this country has been fed up with this pathology for 45 years. Contrary to the popular narrative, the vast majority of Americans didn't pick up and move to San Francisco for protests, drugs and free love. They went to school, got jobs, and became adults. What they saw on TV was the "vocal minority" that pretended to speak for them. They never were "them".

The kids at OWL are the disillusioned poster children who bought into the hopey-changy nonsense, and can't bring themselves to admit that they were duped. They find themselves 4 years later in debt with worthless degrees and unemployable. So instead of admitting that they made a mistake, they blame it all on "the 1%" while demanding that they be forgiven their student loan debt. It's not about the country; it's all about them! They won't even share their meals with the homeless who's parks they've taken over! Talk about greed and selfishness!

SC said...

The OWS are a bunch of hypocrites. They believe in re-distribution of wealth, but when faced with actually having to re-distribute something of ‘their own’ (free food that was donated to them) to the less fortunate (real homeless, hungry people) they whine & complain about it. REALLY? I wonder how many of them re-distribute some of their allowance to the needy? Or how much time do they spend volunteering at homeless shelters, food pantries, nursing homes, etc?