Tuesday, January 18, 2011
In the greatest blow to the Swiss since foreign powers stole their Army's plans for overly-complicated pocket knives, Julian Assange has announced that Wikileaks' newest stunt will be to reveal the secret Swiss bank accounts of the high and mighty.
In a televised ceremony slightly more elaborate than the Golden Globes, former Swiss banker Rudolf Elmer handed Assange two CDs which are believed to contain the closely-guarded bank records of 2000 people. Unless the disks accidentally got switched and are, in fact, the Lady Gaga recordings which Elmer was listening to while stealing the data files.
Frankly, we're looking forward to finding out who's been stashing away money and avoiding taxes (humanity's coldest crime). Politicians? Celebrities? Newscasters...?
Meanwhile the Swiss banking industry is in a state of panic not seen since the early 40's, when Nazis opened billions of dollars' worth of new, secret bank accounts...then demanded over 300,000 toasters before they'd leave the lobby.
For now, all we can do is wait for Mr. Assange to start revealing the information on Wikileaks. And warn him to watch out for pocketknives.