The world gasped in shock and horror this week when Iran surprisingly launched a monkey into space, raising the nightmarish possibility that while we were distracted by little things like Iran's nuclear weapons program, they were actually planning to leapfrog the rest of the world in monkey launching.
Aboard the Iranian rocket, the tiny monkey - named Hussein Muhammed Mo Hominid - was strapped into a "cruel" restraint harness which PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Astromonkeys) found highly offensive but which would simply be considered less-kinky-than-usual bedroom equipment in San Francisco. The monkey was then launched to an altitude of 72 miles where it is said to have caught a fleeting glimpse of 99 sexed-up monkey virgins before it was safely returned to Earth.
Barack Obama has demanded that the United Nations send a harshly-worded letter to Iran warning that uncontrolled proliferation of space monkeys will not be tolerated and could lead to drastic consequences.
The president preferred not to get specific, but said that "all options will be on the table." Including, presumably, sending Joe Biden to San Francisco to be fitted for a restraining harness.
31 comments:
Fortunately she safely returned hours later as she had an other expensive taxpayer funded dinner party to co-host that evening in d.c and another all payer (by us) extravagant vacation to plan
I don't see why Iran needs to go to all of this trouble to prove how technically advanced they are. It seems such a waste, why don't they just team up with North Korea? Oh, wait.....nevermind.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the mission was a failure because somehow a monkey got on board instead of the intended nuclear warhead.
Sometimes a monkey in space is just a monkey in space. Besides, weren't they really just trying to get to the international space station for some frolic? Maybe they did it to amuse the kids? Oh, seek innocence in monkeying around. Or maybe they're were testing military warheads - what difference does it make?
Though, I doubt PETA was at all upset -- there is no way to wreck American lives & nerves by complaining about Iranian monkeys.
As for San Francisco, your intimate knowledge of bedroom equipment there is illuminating; though, I, for one, would wish to cover up that story, being prudish -- but, fear not! -- you can get those things delivered fresh to your door -- by um, the Spankin' Rocket Monkey Delivery Service. Which reality may well finally kill the San Fran weird sex practice reference business, oh well -- perhaps subsidies will be required to keep that alive.
Interesting how the monkey business distracts from the "no, really, there WAS no explosion" story...
http://www.wnd.com/2013/01/new-details-surface-on-iran-nuclear-explosion/
That was a MONKEY!! I thought it was Aquavelvajad's cousin!
@REM1875- I suppose it is easy to mistake a boob belt for a restraining harness...
@TrickyRicky- And if we dig deep enough, we'll find some of the technology used in this launch is derived from the information Bill Clinton sold to the Chinese for campaign funds.
@Cat Whisperer- I'm guessing that the monkey and other equipment onboard were carefully weighed to be exactly the same as a potential nuclear warhead.
@Jim Hlavac- PETA was upset because the monkey was wearing fur. And as far as weird sexual practices in San Francisco go, none of them offend me as deeply as the city's liberal voting record.
@Pete(Detroit)- Yeah, I'm surprised that the "exploding nuclear facility in Iran" story hasn't gotten more traction. I'm not surprised that Jay Carney claims to know nothing.
@WMD- It's a very natural mistake.
... and the monkey landed safely; Dinnerjacket celebrated by spanking it.
@Stilton,
COFFEE SPEW! The 'toon with Joe is priceless. Is that the control panel of Golgafrinchian Ark "B" I see behind him?
@WMD,
Tsk, tsk... You are treading on thin ice by comparing the 1st Wookie to a monkey. A chimp, maybe, but a monkey?
@Colby- Yes, Joe Biden will be an official ark commander in event of a glactic catastrophe. Or if he keeps playing with those buttons.
I think you're missin' a bet, here.
Shirley, the new SecState can help with NASA's Muslim Outreach program.
@Colby, you crack me up. (You do too Stilt). And I had what I think would be pretty funny reply but I'm guessing some would take it as not being too PC. Not that we're really PC on this site. But I'm not going to commit that to cyber space on my company computer.
If they really wanna chunk feces at the earth then send the real expert: Turdboy. And as a side benefit, strap Dimbulb Biden next to him. Maybe we can make it a No Deposit No Return type deal? :)
In other news 0 bama was overheard saying that if he had a son he would look like the center panel in today's cartoon. Okay, that was just way too easy.
Anerican Cowboy - Only if the baby momma was a) the wookie b) obamaphone girl...
Stan the Man, or c) Janeane Garafalo
Just wondering as I am suspicious about the media claim that we have nothing to fear from Iran nuke program like that they have no delivery capable vehicles but would not a country that can launch a monkey into space maybe have the ability to drop a nuke on a neighboring country? I know I should just blindly follow what the govt media tells me but sometimes I am cursed with the ability to think. So just wondering.
@DougM- What a great picture of Kerry. And by "great," I mean it makes me want to throw up.
@WMD- Discretion is the better part of avoiding tax audits.
@Sparky Hudson- I could get very enthusiastic about a moon mission for Barry. Imagine that thrilling moment at touchdown, when we hear "The ego has landed..."
@American Cowboy- Happily, Barry doesn't have a son so we needn't worry about such things.
@Stan da Man- Frankly, I don't think Obama would be drawn to relations with either of them.
@WMD- Okay, now you're making me rethink my position on abortion...
@REM1875- Yes, they would be able to drop a nuke on a nearby country. But even more effective? Launch a nuke from a ship off the coast of America, send it skyward, and detonate it. The resulting EMP (ElectroMagnetic Pulse) would pretty much fry our electrical grid and knock us on our asses for decades. "Hardening" our grid to protect against such an attack would cost less money than Barry gave Solyndra...but it's still not happening.
@REM1875,
There ya go again, thinking! I guess you'd better enjoy it; it may be illegal someday. And, Iran is a small country, no worries here; nothing to see, just move on folks...
@SJ - The electronic magnetic pulse you mentioned so sensitizes me to our particular state of well-being. We know we aren't safe with this administration - not from within our country nor from without. Thanks for repeatedly sounding the alarm - but I'm thinking this is another matter of "What difference does it make?" The People aren't paying attention in enough numbers to change things.
Every now and then I wonder if the EMP might, as horrendous as the multiple other effects are, be the only way to ashcan the unlimited governmental tracking, eavesdropping, and data collection that goes on currently, utilizing every tech available, including personal comps and mobile phones. They could always use the behemoth new data center buildings for skateboarding parks....
On another topic: any thoughts on how the proposed Facebook separation of those over, say, the age of 50 from the current pages to a site of their own might be worked around so that people who remember what the country is supposed to be will still be able to get the concepts in front of the masses? Remember the flap over Nothing's calling the young folk Gen44, supposedly out of ego and being the 44th? I'm no expert, but a broad interp of Genesis 44 seems to be about a High Mucky-muck using deceit to guilt a young man into servitude and into bringing along his younger sib-even if the elderly father cannot do for himself. Or perhaps I have it wrong..anyone?
@ A Nonny Mouse,
Taken out of context, it sure seems that way.
However, take a look at the next few verses.
As a young man, Joseph's brothers did him very wrong and he ended up as a slave. Through his own wit and/or God's blessing (whichever you prefer) he reached extreme heights of power in Egypt.
Chapter 44 is sort of him "messing with them" and venting some of his anger. However you'll see in Ch.45 that he can't sustain it and tells them who he is, etc...
@Irene Peduto,
Iapologize for not getting back to you regarding Belmar; my daughter is still home sick. Stomach virus that is running around. I rarely get online outside of work, and am websensed outa here there.
I think that people aer starting to notice things......2nd term reality check.....the rush is off the election and now actual eyes will open up. Starting to notice more and more articles on the poor Goobermint response to Sandy here in NJ/NY and they are creeping towards the front pages.
@StiltonJarlsberg, EMP scares the poop outa me. I've hardened as much as I can here, but my teeny generator ain't gonna do much for the Mid-Atlantic region.
Why oh why can't we pre-emptively strike anymore?
Fine, call me a neocon but it just seems the logical course sometimes.
Khartoum, Mecca, Medina, Pyongyang, Beijing, Tehran and I tell ya', I bet we get a few centuries of peace outa that.
He said tongue in cheek...........?
And regarding the id proof below, can't I just dance for you? That'll prove I am all human, and white to boot!
@txGreg: Thanks for the info and the link! Oh, I'll grant you that in order to find Gen44 to be a sort of "transparency" taunt (along the lines of Winning The Future and it's acronym's more common use) and referring to Genesis 44 I'm taking the chapter out of its biblical context and only taking note of the sequence of actions. Given the penchant for employing symbolism and vidclips/quotes/data, lifted wholly out of their contextual sensibility, in the mythology and daily actions of the complex construction that is the "transparency" in chief, it "looks like a duck", to me. Not that I'm nervous about the nation, or anything...:::unintentional Don Knotts impression:::
At any road, I'm having a time of it using the link to go both back and further on, and to a few other references that have come up in relation to current events. Thanks again!
Hey Stilton here is your next article. I just read that Obama just did away with his Jobs Council. Wow Huffington finally printed the truth. Unemployment 7.8% and he disbands the Job Council. I guess the stimulus package worked and everybody has a job now and that is why the economy is contracting. Hey that make for good Democrap speak.
...isn't that Johnny Optimism's helper monkey? Johnny's probably a lot better off with it out in space.
@Irene Peduto- There is virtually NO reason not to immediately harded our electrical grid (a job-creating measure, among other things) other than to leave our country vulnerable to a devastating attack. This concerns me, to put it mildly.
@A Nonny Mouse- Interesting stuff, but I'm not sure that any social network will really help us carry the messages which are important to saving this country. The medium is okay, but those who control that medium are not.
@Queso Grande- Personally, I alternate between thinking I need to create some Farraday Cages in my home to protect electronics, or just stocking up on beans, franks, and ammo. Sigh...
@A Nonny Mouse- good observations.
@Anonymous- the dismissal of the Jobs Council will, indeed, be the subject of a "bonus" cartoon on Friday. Hey, I'm not going to let something like THAT get away from me!
@Cactus- That is indeed Johnny's helper monkey, who I've been meaning to write back into more comic strips lately. Be watching for him over at Johnny O!
It's Friday - I'm here - all alone.......figuring this must be another early morning snafu - Stilton's told us he's writing about the former "Jobs Council" & it isn't here - I so dislike proving I'm not a Bot!!! But now when I can't figure out the words, I re-load the page. Now THAT proves I'm human, huh?
Crazy - it made it to FBook...
It'll get here ... I've no doubt.
@Irene, Pete, & Chuck- Sorry, team. My fault. I think. The cartoons are supposed to post every Monday, Weds, and Fri at 12:01 AM. But if I don't hit all of the buttons just right, things go SNAFU.
For future reference, if you don't find a cartoon on an expected day, try checking back in around 9 am. By then, Mrs. Jarlsberg will have alerted me "THE CARTOON DIDN'T POST!" and I'll endeavor to make things right before I've even had coffee. Like now.
Without "coffee"?!? Stilton ... don't do it! We'll wait till 9:30 (Central) even if we do have to adjust our meds to make it!
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