Following the tragic massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, the government is doing everything in its power to make citizens safer by taking guns out of the hands of sane people. But that doesn't mean that they intend to leave us totally defenseless when facing down a well-armed psychopath.
That's why the Department of Homeland Security has produced a video which explains that in an "active shooter" situation, you can take out the bad guy using an ordinary pair of scissors - assuming that the shooter isn't wearing body armor, that he doesn't see you coming, that you don't slip in the blood of other victims, and that the shooter doesn't turn you into swiss cheese when he gets tired of receiving annoying little jabs.
The video, produced at taxpayer expense and having all of the cinematic panache of a 1950's "Duck & Cover" public service film, gives additional helpful tips that people might not think of when confronted with a death-dealing maniac: run away if you can, or hide and be quiet while waiting your turn to die.
No mention is made of "shooting back," because the only people who should be carrying guns are police, lunatics, and the Mexican drug cartels. Additionally, the video doesn't clarify whether it would be permissible to use scissors against a radical Muslim like Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hassan, considering there's a chance you might accidentally cut off part of his holy beard.
While some people viewing this video might feel like they're not really getting topnotch value out of the tax dollars being spent at Homeland Security, it's important to note that Ms. Napolitano's agency offers protection for citizens which goes far beyond scissor-fu during an "active shooting."
For instance, last week the DHS released important information about coping with the dangers inherent in an "active snowing." Who knew that, in the midst of a blizzard, we should "stay indoors during the storm," "walk carefully" on snow and ice, and "if you must shovel snow, stretch before going outside." Take that, Al-Qaeda!
Still, in the wake of Sandy Hook it's good to know that the Department of Homeland Security is on the job and that our children will be perfectly safe as long as they're in a building with lots of scissors.
Like, say, an elementary school.
FRIDAY BONUS CARTOON!
After failing to meet with his advisory Jobs Council for over a year, Barry finally gave up the charade this week and allowed the group to disband after accomplishing sweet effing nothing other than giving candidate Obama a CYA talking point during last year's elections.
Presumably, the members of the Jobs Council will be given generous severance packages, two years of unemployment benefits, food stamps, and the other "lovely parting gifts" awarded when contestants lose on the biggest national reality show of them all: "American Idle."