Friday, November 7, 2014
Election Day is over, the 57 states have spoken, and Barack Hussein Obama won by a landslide. At least, that's what the voices in his head are telling him when they're not saying things like "that dog looks tasty" or "let's go golf."
Speaking at a press conference to give his unique, and quite possibly psychotic, perspective on the Republican electoral blowout on Tuesday, Obama said "To everyone who voted, I want you to know that I hear you. To the TWO THIRDS of voters who chose not to participate in the process yesterday, I hear you too."
But what, other than the fact that the Secret Service should start carrying butterfly nets, did he mean with that statement?
Translation: "If you voted, you lost - because you're in the tiny minority. If you didn't vote, you win - because you're in the great big majority. And I hear your message loud and clear: you hate Republicans but you refused to vote for those heretical Democrat candidates who denied that I am the way, the truth, and the life!"
Put another way, Obama is claiming support not only from everyone who voted Democrat, but from everyone who didn't vote at all. Including the countless pixies, elves, and unicorns that dance in his noggin.
Still, he offered a few conciliatory words to the Republicans, saying "I'll work with them when I can," i.e. when Hell freezes over. And he also says that if the Republicans don't want him to issue a raft of Executive Orders, he'll be perfectly happy not to use them...if the GOP just gives him everything he wants.
But despite these bold bipartisan efforts to reach across the aisle, the president is also willing to go it alone on critically important matters like granting amnesty to the millions of people (including criminals, rapists, and scabies-infested gang members) who have flooded across our southern border. In Obama's words, "to those who chose not to participate in the process of legal immigration, I hear you."
Okay, he didn't actually say those words. But we're pretty sure that at least one of the shrieking voices in his head did.