JOKE #2 - HE'S ALREADY GIVEN UP LOOSIES
Firmly believing that laughter is the best medicine, the cartoons above represent our "get well" wishes for Barack Obama, who - just like every other working stiff in America - got an all-expenses paid, multi-thousand-dollar CT scan this weekend to help diagnose his sore throat. "Painkillers instead of pacemakers," may be Obama's answer to high healthcare bills for the rabble, but apparently "cough drops instead of CAT scans" never occurred to him.
The president's throat doctors, whom we suspect formerly worked on Joan Rivers, diagnosed the problem as "gastric reflux" - a condition in which stomach acid forces its way up the esophagus owing to a weak sphincter in the throat. You read that right: Barack Obama has a freaking sphincter in his throat. Which we believe was also the major plot point in the film which made Linda Lovelace a star.
Although it hasn't been mentioned in any of the official press releases, many are speculating that the actual cause of Mr. Obama's throat problems is his incessant cigarette smoking. Okay, many are actually speculating that he too frequently enjoys a vigorous throat boning, but Hope n' Change has far too much dignity to print such an accusation.
Anyway, if smoking is to blame then it's also possible that there's something more serious going on than simple gastric reflux - which would help explain the unusual step of subjecting the president to a CAT scan instead of simply tossing him a roll of TUMS.
In any event, Hope n' Change would like to offer the president some advice to help with his sore throat. Drink plenty of fluids, rest, and try not to talk. For at least another two years.
EXTRA: BATHROOM BULLETIN
We won't be posting on Monday and Tuesday (and there probably won't be a new cartoon Wednesday) owing to highly kinetic plumbing repair being done at the Hope n' Change office complex.
Men with jackhammers will be whacka-whacka-whacking holes through our concrete foundation in two bathroom floors in order to repair underground pipes. This means our computers and hard drives will need to be disconnected and moved as far as possible from the construction sites so they don't get shaken to death. It also means we'll be in full compliance when the Keystone pipeline eventually runs under our office.
22 comments:
So, under Øbamacare $9000 CT Scans are now routine proceedures for sore throats?
If I were his doctor, I would tell him to lay off cigarettes, crack pipes, and any long hard objects the First Ladyboy may try to cram down his throat for a while.
On the other hand, his problem may be Karma related. He has spewed so many toxic lies out of that throat of his, it seems only natural that there should be some sort of damage in their passing.
"Painkillers instead of pacemakers"
"Cough drops instead of CAT scans"
"Incineration instead of incisions"
"Spliffs instead of splints"
"Burial instead of barium (regardless of delivery option)"
"Eyeless in Gaza instead of eyeglasses"
"The Rapist instead of therapist"
.
.
.
.
Features, not problems.
And so the "excuse" for it's dropping out has begun. But, one can only hope that a "sore throat" will shut him up for a while.
@Geoff King- The first phone call I got from my new Obamacare providers (Blue Cross) was to tell me how important it was to control costs by not going to the emergency room for routine procedures.
But of course, Obamacare rules don't apply to Obama himself. So what we're seeing here is either "cost be damned" hyper-cautiousness, or a necessary diagnostic for something which appeared more serious than a "sore throat."
@TrickyRicky- It's amazing what you find in the Obamacare bill when you read all 2000+ pages!
@Judi King- I don't think anything will ever shut him up. Even if he couldn't speak, he'd get a Stephen Hawkings-style talking box to lecture us. Heck, they could wire it directly to the teleprompter - Barry wouldn't even have to come in off the golf course.
The "Hard To Swallow" comic reminds me of two things... what does Monica Lewinsky think of Shrillary seeking to live in Barackingham Palace, and a story I heard from "reliable sources" about lamont getting out of the shower one day, and after toweling off his empty head, noticed he face was COMPLETELY white. Panic ensued, and he consulted a doctor to determine if he was turning in to a RACIST HONKY! (because we KNOW there is no other kind.) The doctor examined him for a while, left the room, and returned with a rather LARGE tumbler filled with a brown liquid. The doc told him to "drink it all". After consuming the entire contents, lamont exclaimed to the physician that the concoction was disgusting and "tasted like shit". The doctor responded, "It WAS! You were a quart low!"
If the CAT scan is negative; doesn't that mean they didn't find anything of substance inside?
My diagnosis is the Empty-Suit-in-Chief IS in touch with a little bit of realty after all.
His throat is dry because of the upcoming score in both houses of congress.
Doc, wrong end on what was in Lovelace's throat.
Now we know why you are not an OB/GYN
Just a fine example of what I was talking about last week with the "New Feudalism"; CT scans for he, but cough drops for me. Also notice how ever-increasing cigarette taxes have little effect upon the President's ability to afford cigarettes from "legitimate sources" while also creating a marketplace for the underclass which has now turned ordinary beat cops into tax enforcers with the powers to kill.
Good one Bruce! And hooking up a talking box to the teleprompter is a great idea. Maybe it would eliminate all the "ahs, ums, and the fact of the matter is...".
Maybe the beat cops should stage a massive "blue flu". Then the morons could commit all the chaos they want with no control.
@Bruce Bleu- Wait, that was a joke?! I'd always heard it was true...
@Rod- Empty suit syndrome sounds right.
@Don Surber- Okay, you knew that and I new that, but I figured most other folks here weren't familiar enough with vintage porn to know it. (grin)
@John the Econ- I can sorta kinda understand "nothing but the best" for the president; rank hath its privileges, and I can't think of anyone ranker.
That being said, it still seems tremendous overkill unless someone suspected something more serious than reflux. Then again, if it is reflux and it's been going on a long time, Barry might have Barrett's Esophagus which is considered to be a precancerous condition.
@Judi King- I'd understand a "blue flu" walkout, but geez - I'm tired of protests.
I agree that The President of the United States should get the best of the best health care. But Supreme Potentate Barry the Nothingth has spent the last 6 years actively avoiding being President in lieu of becoming the United States' first dick tater. Barry, please take some aspirin and call Al Sharpton in the morning to see what you should do next.
Oh, and from my nerdish brain, I remember that humans also have sphincters in each eye. That might explain my shitty outlook!
@Stilton,
Your description of your plumbing project brought up images of the movie "The Money Pit." Just think... It'll be done in two weeks!
@Judi King,
I'm afraid if you connected the two machines, you'd get nothing but indecipherable gibberish mixed with copious amount of BS flowing out the USB port. I don't think scientists have successfully programmed a machine to lie at this point in time.
The half of this country who are aware of these insane, staged protests are sick of them but perhaps the other half should be made aware of what life would be without the presence of the police. Who would come to their aid if they are mugged, raped, attacked or their cat gets stuck up a tree? The police shouldn't have to be subjected to this abuse by the media, administration, and paid agitators. A thankless job at best.
I don't question that the supposed "leader of the free world" should get the best care available. But what I do question is that he and his family will continue to get such care long after he leaves office. He will never have to live the consequences of his policies. (Even though he did go through the charade of purchasing a "bronze" ObamaCare plan)
Honestly now, I don't see any problems with my 2015 health care costs. After all my monthly premium went down a whopping $1.00 per month for a "value plan" instead of the "premium" plan I had in 2014 which was discontinued...whoo hoo!
Of course I probably shouldn't notice or mention the fact that my deductible doubled, should I?
Psalm 12
1 Help, Lord; for the godly man ceaseth; for the faithful fail from among the children of men.
2 They speak vanity every one with his neighbour: with flattering lips and with a double heart do they speak.
3 The Lord shall cut off all flattering lips, and the tongue that speaketh proud things:
4 Who have said, With our tongue will we prevail; our lips are our own: who is lord over us?
5 For the oppression of the poor, for the sighing of the needy, now will I arise, saith the Lord; I will set him in safety from him that puffeth at him.
6 The words of the Lord are pure words: as silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times.
7 Thou shalt keep them, O Lord, thou shalt preserve them from this generation for ever.
8 The wicked walk on every side, when the vilest men are exalted.
Stilton: that first comment and cartoon reminded me of a joke that was going around when Rock Hudson died. shortly before his death, Sammy Davis Jr. tried to warn him! he said "Rock, baby, stroke 'em or smoke 'em those butts are gonna kill you!"
Linda who? Way before my time, ok ok maybe not.
Colby
it's not that they haven't developed a machine to lie yet, (pretty sure my bathroom scale does) it's that they haven't developed one that can handle that much in such a short period of time.
Wow so prezzy Ø has trouble swallowing, the rest of us have had that problem for over six years.
John the Econ's random thoughts for the day - On the fraud that presents itself as "elite higher education":
Just read that at Columbia Law School, in the wake of the Michel Brown/Eric Garner grand-jury decisions, "- In recognition of the traumatic effects these events have had on some of the members of our community, Dean Greenberg-Kobrin and Yadira Ramos-Herbert, Director, Academic Counseling, have arranged to have Dr. Shirley Matthews, a trauma specialist, hold sessions next Monday and Wednesday." Also, "The law school has a policy and set of procedures for students who experience trauma during exam period. In accordance with these procedures and policy, students who feel that their performance on examinations will be sufficiently impaired due to the effects of these recent events may petition Dean Alice Rigas to have an examination rescheduled."
Columbia is one of America's elite law schools that supposedly only accepts and graduates the finest minds in the country. Are we to believe that the student body of Columbia is so emotionally fragile and compromised that totally unrelated current events affect them to such a degree that they require "trauma specialists" to be deployed, and they need to have exams rescheduled?
This sounds more like what you'd expect for a kindergarten class; not from an institution for supposed adults that is thought to be producing the next generation of America's leaders, like our current President.
At any university I'd be teaching at (as if any would actually have me) the standard response to anyone requiring "trauma" care in the wake of this nonsense would be somewhere between "Buck up! - I'm going to try to pretend I didn't hear that" to "How the hell did you ever make it into my school?" In times of "trauma", true "leaders" stand up and take charge. They don't cower and seek out "counselling", and would be embarrassed to use news events as an excuse to avoid an exam.
And if it was your life or property on the line, you would want to hire a lawyer who was that emotionally fragile?
It's things like this that make me fear for the future of my nation.
Stilton,
To the best of my knowledge, of COURSE it's true, buddy... I wouldn't shit YOU! (I have too much respect for my sphincter).
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