Wednesday, April 1, 2015

BREAKING NEWS BULLETINS!

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, resignation, april fool's day

On an unbelievably busy news day, no story is bigger than the shocking resignation of Barack Hussein Obama and his subsequent hasty helicopter escape from the roof of the White House.

Early morning television viewers were surprised to find their programs interrupted for an emergency announcement, during which the ashen-faced and possibly drug-fueled president spoke in rambling, frequently cryptic sentence fragments about "the sweet, sweet call to prayer," "dog-flavored shave ice," the merits of Titleist golf balls and, most puzzlingly, his declaration that "Mike is done pretending to be Michelle." He then told America to go (and we paraphrase here) fornicate itself, and capped his brief resignation with "Allah Akbar - I'm out of here, suckers!"

In a scene reminiscent of America's departure from Vietnam, Obama scrambled aboard a George Soros-owned helicopter hovering just above the White House roof.  Newly appointed President Biden celebrated his unexpected promotion by rushing onto the White House balcony in his pajamas and firing a shotgun into the sky, before being tackled and disappearing under a pile of Secret Service agents. Sadly, the shotgun blast was thought to have done only minor damage to Mr. Obama's helicopter.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL - Also in today's news:

• John Kerry triumphantly announced that his negotiations with Iran have been successful and will be officially ratified in a ceremony in which "I'll kneel on a beach while wearing a traditional Iranian document-signing orange jumpsuit."

• A council of Native Americans judged Elizabeth Warren to be guilty of violating tribal law by failing to use "every part of the buffalo." In point of fact, she was using only one part of the buffalo and not, as nature intended, for the purpose of making more buffaloes.

• Pressed for more details about his injury, Harry Reid admitted that "the band that snapped" as he was working out with it was, as many suspected, The Village People.

• A crowd-funded Kickstarter campaign intended to pay for a monument to honor race martyr and cigar liberator Michael Brown fell short of its stated goal today, raising a final tally of only $375. The Ferguson highway department says the funds will be sufficient to create a commemorative speed bump.

• The Supreme Court issued a 5-4 ruling confirming that, despite the controversial and somewhat confusing language in the 17,000 page Obamacare bill, the government will give full "breast exam" reimbursements for every crispy dollar bill men spend in topless clubs.

Oh, relax - it's April Fool's Day

22 comments:

Proof said...

Nice try! We should be so lucky!

Geoff King said...

In other news: congress voted unanimously to unhold their Constitutional oaths by passing the "Restore the Republic" bill, which dictates a balanced budget by cutting or eliminating funding for most government agencies. The bill also limits campaign donations to $100 per individual, corporation, or special interest group.
The only portion of the bill which caused debate on the floor was the "all congressmen shall be paid a maximum of $25 an hour for every hour actually spent in congress". Some argued that installing timeclocks in the Capitol Building would be an unjustifiable taxpayer expense, until it was decided that the IRS would smply impose a special tax on all House and Senate members until the equipment and bookkeeping costs had been covered.

WMD said...

Good one Stilt. You had me for about a half-second. Then I remembered what day it was.
And now I'm thinking, If only...

Cat Whisperer said...

And it looks like he cleaned out the U.S. Treasury too. It seems that “President Obama” was just a Nigerian 419 scam artist the whole time.

Anonymous said...

Must be April 1st. STOP teasing us, man!!!

John the Econ said...

...and then I woke up.

Rod said...

OMG funny. You've been saving these up for while? April has such a fun start. I pulled a good one on Russian associates we were hosting over here a few years back; really had them going. When they figured it out their super-macho Chief said "OF COURSE we have AFD in Russia; I didn't expect such foolishness from you." I hope they're following HNC.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Proof- I just thought it would be nice to remind people, however briefly, what "hope" feels like.

@Geoff King- Dang, I wish this was true...

@WMD- It is a pleasant fantasy, isn't it?

@Cat Whisperer- You mean a distant relative of mine didn't really die and leave me free healthcare?! NOOoooo...!

@Anonymous- Actually tomorrow is April 1st. Apparently you didn't remember to turn back your calendar last night for daylight saving time.

@John the Econ- You should try becoming a liberal. They never wake up.

@Rod- I never save material; topical jokes are like perishable goods and quickly spoil if not used immediately.

And congratulations on Putin one over on the Russians! (rimshot)

American Cowboy said...

Dammit.
I had "hope" as I began to read, only to realize what day it is and have it "change" to despair.

Applemask said...

You stay classy there, cheeseboy.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@American Cowboy- Hey, the day isn't over yet. It could still happen.

@Applemask- Not a problem. Even now, I'm wearing a tuxedo.

John the Econ said...

Today, Hillary Clinton turned over the backup tapes from her private e-mail server.

Al Sharpton was jailed for tax evasion.

Michael Mann (inventor of the global warming "Hockey Stick") was arrested for racketeering.

VA announces diversion of funds from movie parodies, "gender re-assignment" and windmill programs to actual care for wounded veterans.

For the dedication of the Edward M. Kennedy Institute, Barack Obama held up Kennedy as an example that U.S. leaders should follow.

April Fools!

Oh, except that the last one actually did happen!

So get to it Senators! Feel free to drown your mistresses and then use the power of your family name and office to cover it all up. If there's a (D) next to your name, there's little reason not to, since you've long since sold your soul anyway.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- Good list. And by "good" I mean I'll start drinking early today.

Regarding Barry's praise of Teddy Kennedy, the prezzie actually said the late senator "bridged" the partisan divide. Frankly, I don't think "bridge" is a great word to use if you'd like people to forget that Kennedy was literally a ladykiller.

Anonymous said...

that is a cruel joke, dude

Colby Muenster said...

Knee slappers, all, Stilton! And this post gave me a few wistful moments of real hope and change.

A nice touch that none of the links are real! (or maybe my computer is bleeped up again...). However, John the Econ's link did work. That replica of the Senate floor makes me really friggin' suspicious, though. Why on earth would somebody spend that much money to build such a thing? I can picture the Dems holding fake Senate sessions to shove through every piece of socialist crap legislation they ever dreamed of, then filming it as "proof."

Conspiracy theory? Yes. Are there Democrats that would do it? Hell yes.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Anonymous- Actually, I think every day but this one is a cruel joke.

@Colby Muenster- Your computer is fine; all the links in today's commentary were faked to give the stories an extra little hint of verisimilitude.

And I'm amazed at the replica of the Senate chamber being built for the Kennedy Institute. I actually googled to see if John the Econ or anyone else was just joking. Nope, it's real.

I'm told that the Chappaquiddick reflection pool is beautiful, too.

John the Econ said...

I've given up trying to prank the Obama era. All too often, the reality is far more absurd. The real prank has been pulled on us. You can't compete with "big government" when it becomes a war of pranks.

But, you know what would be a great April Fool's prank? Someone parking an 1967 Oldsmobile Delmont 88 in the reflection pool in the front of the Edward M. Kennedy Institute.

Unfortunately, the institute's designers omitted any such pool, probably in anticipation of someone doing exactly that.

PRY said...

If all that really were true, it wouldnt be near as ridiculous as the state of our union now! April Fool I guess!

Popular Front said...

Plenty of laughs there Stilton but I was wondering what you'd post. Being a day ahead of you we've already had our April Fools Day funnies, mostly in a similar vein. Jugular?

Anonymous said...

Excellent satire as usual! Please keep it coming when we descend into the Dark Ages!!

John the Econ said...

This sure sounds like an "April Fools" joke. Alas, it was serious:

"The pro-Clinton group Correct the Record hit back at O'Malley on Sunday afternoon, saying voters have seen Clinton "work her entire life" to earn her status as the Democratic front-runner.

"Hillary Clinton has earned the trust and the respect of Americans because they have seen Hillary work her entire life to ensure, through improving education, health care, fair pay and fighting every day for working and middle class Americans, that all of us have the opportunity to succeed," said the group's spokeswoman, Adrienne Watson."

Seriously. I really have to wonder if the joker who wrote that actually believes it, or thinks that we are stupid enough to.

Alas, there will be plenty who are.

Judi King said...

Seriously, Hillary Clinton has worked her entire life to become the first woman president of the US period!