In a shocking development which no one could have possibly predicted unless cold sober, the Hope n' Change office tower was attacked yesterday by hordes of foundation repair workers brandishing their really loud and annoying weapons of mass distraction.
Much as is the case with our once-great nation, Hope n' Change found that the very firmament under our feet needed shoring up - and we're taking highly kinetic (and darned expensive) action to get the job done. This involves at least a dozen huge holes around the periphery of our building, and another dozen holes being jackhammered through our interior concrete foundation - a difficult task made even dicier by the necessity of our hinting to the workmen that "over there might be better" without raising their suspicions that we've got bodies buried in some spots.
The entire process is expected to take up to 4 days, during which time we may be unable to post much if anything at all. After all, pneumatic jackhammers can be very hard on spinning hard drives - a factoid that we're guessing Hillary Clinton wishes she'd known back when she was trying to nuke her emails.
Rest assured, however, that we'll be watching the debate, taking whiskey-stained notes, and will post something if and when we can. But if not, don't worry - the Dems will still be supplying us with plenty of fresh, idiotic blather when we get back up to speed!
BONUS: DEBATE UPDATE
Okay, we actually did watch some of the Democratic debate - albeit not much. Astoundingly, even though the debate was already only two hours (instead of the three hours imposed on the GOP candidates in hopes of having their bladders burst on camera), not a single question was asked in the first 30 minutes.
Instead, the CNN hosts took turns introducing themselves and sucking up to the audience, after which the candidates wandered onto the stage, waved, and milled around until Sheryl "Just One Square of Toilet Tissue" Crow came onstage to sing the national anthem. A short time later, each candidate was allowed to make a meandering opening statement attacking the GOP, heterosexuals, billionaires and, we're pretty sure, the Illuminati.
Finally, Anderson Cooper actually started asking questions - and we'll give him credit for not making them total softballs. In fact, after each candidate had answered only that first question (regarding their electability despite being inconsistent on issues, a socialist, a party-changer, a total unknown, or a demonstrable failure in previous office), we felt pretty good about hitting the "off" button (albeit recording the rest for later) because none of them are remotely worthy of holding high office.
As much as we can't believe we're saying it, Joe Biden would have seemed like a superstar on that stage. Not that he's that good, but the rest of them are absolutely that bad. Frankly, if Biden doesn't announce his candidacy and go straight to the top of the polls this week, we'll be shocked.
We'd say more, but melting ice is watering down our much-needed debate night medicine.