We've just learned that Barack Obama has "just said no" to attending the funeral of former First Lady Nancy Reagan, so he can instead attend the SXSW media festival in Austin, Texas (city motto: "The Liberal Cancer in the Lone Star State").
"If I didn't attend a funeral for a sitting Supreme Court Justice, I sure as hell won't be wasting my time going to one for an old first lady," the president may well have said. "Give me a break, there's nothing less important than a first lady!"
In his place, the president is sending...the first lady.
BONUS: VAST LEFT RING FINGER CONSPIRACY
We can't really comment as much as we'd like today (and possibly the next few days) because we're still plagued with a pinched nerve in our neck/shoulder which makes half of our left hand tingle (but not in the orgasmic Chris Matthews way) and burn and flop around on the computer keyboard as clumsily as Bernie Sanders trying to explain how he'll pay for $19 trillion in new expenditures.
The condition is called "cervical radiculopathy," which is an annoyingly lame name which won't generate any sympathy whatsoever. Seriously, it suggests there's something ridiculous wrong with our cervix rather a painful (and very manly) hand condition. We think "cervical radiculopathy" should actually be the psychiatric diagnosis for women who feel compelled to vote with their naughty bits.
Hope n' Change appreciates the suggestions for treatment and exercises that you've been sending, and later today we expect to receive an inflatable collar from Amazon which will allow the vertebrae in our neck to "lift and separate" (as the Playtex bra commercials used to encourage) while providing the additional benefit of making us look like a Burmese "giraffe woman" with a full set of golden neck rings. We like to think of this as an act of cultural outreach.
We're also experimenting with some speech-to-text dictation programs, but it's our hope that in a few days we'll have the problem resolved and can get back to computing, cartooning, and writing commentaries normally. Well, at least as "normally" as before.
And we hasten to point out that we're NOT laying off because Donald Trump or anyone else is paying us huge sums of money to keep our mouths shut, although if they'd like to call and make an offer, we do pick up the phone with our good hand.