We've just learned that Barack Obama has "just said no" to attending the funeral of former First Lady Nancy Reagan, so he can instead attend the SXSW media festival in Austin, Texas (city motto: "The Liberal Cancer in the Lone Star State").
"If I didn't attend a funeral for a sitting Supreme Court Justice, I sure as hell won't be wasting my time going to one for an old first lady," the president may well have said. "Give me a break, there's nothing less important than a first lady!"
In his place, the president is sending...the first lady.
BONUS: VAST LEFT RING FINGER CONSPIRACY
We can't really comment as much as we'd like today (and possibly the next few days) because we're still plagued with a pinched nerve in our neck/shoulder which makes half of our left hand tingle (but not in the orgasmic Chris Matthews way) and burn and flop around on the computer keyboard as clumsily as Bernie Sanders trying to explain how he'll pay for $19 trillion in new expenditures.
The condition is called "cervical radiculopathy," which is an annoyingly lame name which won't generate any sympathy whatsoever. Seriously, it suggests there's something ridiculous wrong with our cervix rather than a painful (and very manly) hand condition. We think "cervical radiculopathy" should actually be the psychiatric diagnosis for women who feel compelled to vote with their naughty bits.
Hope n' Change appreciates the suggestions for treatment and exercises that you've been sending, and later today we expect to receive an inflatable collar from Amazon which will allow the vertebrae in our neck to "lift and separate" (as the Playtex bra commercials used to encourage) while providing the additional benefit of making us look like a Burmese "giraffe woman" with a full set of golden neck rings. We like to think of this as an act of cultural outreach.
We're also experimenting with some speech-to-text dictation programs, but it's our hope that in a few days we'll have the problem resolved and can get back to computing, cartooning, and writing commentaries normally. Well, at least as "normally" as before.
And we hasten to point out that we're NOT laying off because Donald Trump or anyone else is paying us huge sums of money to keep our mouths shut, although if they'd like to call and make an offer, we do pick up the phone with our good hand.
22 comments:
@Stilton
Windows Vista, Windows 7 and Windows 8 come with a speech recognition application. It takes a little time to train it to your voice. You can find it in control panel. I don’t know about Windows 10.
Obama seems to know that should he show up at a conservative’s funeral that he would likely be struck with lightning bolts. Michael? Collateral damage I guess.
"cervical radiculopathy" Seriously? I radicule people all the time and I feel fine!
Try some ice on your neck or in your scotch, wherever it will do the most good!
A standard over-the-counter soft cervical collar worn during sleep might help, too. Unlike a rigid ("Philadelphia"-type) collar, the soft collars function more as "posture reminders," which are particularly valuable when you're asleep. People tend to get their heads wedged at all sorts of odd angles during sleep.
And the cervix uterus (the lower portion of the womb) is called a cervix as a sort of anatomical figure of speech. In Latin, "cervix" simply means the posterior aspect (or nape) of the neck. The term is employed in anatomy to describe the portion of a pouchlike hollow viscus (the uterus, the gall bladder, etc.) which narrows down toward its opening in much the same way that a jug narrows toward its "neck."
I always find a few quick cracks across the wife's gorgeous bottom with the offending hand tends to take care of it. (at least that's what I think happens while I lay there unconscious)
Oh, a bunch of freaking medical comedians! This probably reminds you of your Obama care doctors (I use that term loosely of course).
Terribly sorry you must endure such pain, Stilt, and I sincerely hope your's improves. I empathize with you as this Administration has been a colossal pain in the neck ... although to be fair, most Americans have a much lower opinion.
Hope the situation clears up for you quickly.
I hate to say it Stilt but that tingling could become permanent.
I had a neck injury in an auto accident about 30 years ago, it came back and bit me 5 years ago, my right hand has progressively lost feeling and strength. If i pick up a glass or can I have to look at it because I cannot tell the grip pressure. I might drop the glass or crush the can. Remember when crushing a beer can was manly, now a cripple can do it.
I have a device similar to the rack, it stretches my neck from the shoulders. Good luck brother, youth is wasted on the young.
Solution, drink left handed, problem solved.
Doc. while I normally can't resist being a smart ass I would like you to know I have several conditions that allow me to have great sympathy for you.
Medications does help make it bearable but it's still there. I never get used to it but it does not own me. The secret it reasonable expectations and to do what I can do.
You are in our prayers.
So you still remember those "Lift and Separate" brassiere commercials? Your hand may be messed up but your memory is OK. It took a while but I got over them a long time go. [grin]
Have you considered Inversion Therapy? It can lessen the effects that gravity exerts while in an upright position. Granted, it makes it difficult to drink that way but I presume that you do take breaks from that.
If someone who I respected and admired died I personally would NOT want anyone the likes of obola to attend the funeral. And especially not the twerk-a-jerk wookie.
And, just to jump on the medical advice bandwagon; acupuncture. It may not help but when it does, the results are phenomenal. First hand experience here. IMHO, before one uses these practices, interview the practitioner first; much like one would interview a job applicant. I have treated medical practitioners (doctors, chiropractors, witch doctors, etc.) as someone who will be working for me ... because that is exactly what is happening; they are rendering a service and I am paying them. If I don't feel comfortable with a practitioner I move on.
Stilton, be EXTREMELY careful about that whole "lift and separate" deal!
If what you have is in any way due to deterioration of any kind in your cervical vertebrae, even slightly overdoing the L&S could cause sudden "separation" of your spinal cord. You think having burning/tingling/numbness in an arm is inconvenient/aggravating? Wait until you become a quadriplegic...
I warn you of this because I've suffered through spinal column damage for several decades - fortunately not paralyzing me yet. Whenever the physical therapists did anything involving L&S, they were always very careful to only do it a tiny bit and to constantly monitor my neck, keeping an instant-shut-off for the machine right to hand.
I believe our lame duck president has been a lame duck from day 1. The great unifier prooves once again that he is the most divisive man on the planet. I agree with Fred Ciampi...I would not want moochelle or the goof-ball in chief anywhere near the funeral for a class-act lady like Nancy Reagan! This is just another show of what an a** the man really is.
Stilton, gettin' old ain't for sissies......
OC
I have cervical spinal stenosis, that the one that pinches the disc and causes great (GREAT!!) pain in the left are. Amongst the PT that I've tried, swing the golf club at the range really works well. Seems it positions the spinal cord and discs to relieve pressure, while strengthening the shoulder muscle where the affected nerve is, giving the nerve room to relax.
So, that's just another 'home remedy' not currently covered under any Obamacare compliant policies. But then, it's free advise.
For brevity, I'll just save the 5000 word legal disclaimer would be here, but your comment box isn't that lon
Stilton,
Due to your condition, no need to respond, but please file this in your "Things to NEVER do to a blogger" file. Never, ever, EVER show a photo like that again or use Michelle Obama and twerking in the same paragraph! Ever! Chili, Fritos and Pepsi taste pretty good going down, but not so much coming back up.
That being said...
Sending a socialist, racist, entitled bee-otch to Nancy Reagan's funeral is the ultimate slap in the face. I hope Michael Reagan invites her to leave, then slams the door on her substantial twerker.
Certainly, because the security footprint at SXSW will be nothing compared to the one event where the actually important people will be at. No doubt the crowd at SXSW will be much more cool and hip, but certainly not important. Once again, class act Mr. President!
On the other hand, perhaps he just scared. After all, it's possible that someone of the President's political ilk might just spontaneously burst into flame merely by walking into a hallowed place like the Reagan library. After all, no Progressive wants to compare Obama's economic non-recovery to Reagan's.
@Stilton, hope you're better soon.
An aside: Anyone else find it curious that most of the liberals threatening to leave the US if Trump is elected President are going to Canada instead of Mexico? Not a particularly Progressive thing to do if you ask me. Is it racism or that they aren't fans of Mexico's socialized medicine?
@Rod
Up here in them thar mountains above Silly Valley, we listen to a radio station KPIG (107 'oink' 5) out of Freedom, CA that played a spoof on the Wonder Bra concept, the Wonder Jock. It came with two grappling hooks so you can be lifted and separated. Now you can walk into a bar and say "Look I'm being lifted and separated, want to have sex?" There is more to it but cannot recall it most likely because I was laughing so much.
http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/not-quite-the-full-package-boys-dont-worry-now-you-can-fake-it-26699667.html
I have had problems with the same thing. regular chiropractic care helps. Shop around.
Magilla TWERKING? No WONDER my Richter scale was going crazy!
I was never a fan of Trump for years, what has changed since then that could cause me to vote for Trump?
He is hated by the DNC.
He is hated by the RNC.
He is hated by the elected trash.
He is hated by the media.
He is hated by China.
He is hated by the Euro-peons.
He is hated by the Moose-limbs.
Cruz would have been the choice but does not seem capable of pulling in independents, disenfranchised democrats, union thugs, evangelicals, hispanics and blacks. Frankly I'm willing to vote for Trump just because he p*sses so many of my enemies off.
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